Not sure really why I’m posting this, incase anyone has advice and maybe just to put it down - and I appreciate in many ways I am very privileged but at the moment I am really really struggling to accept my life. I feel an urge to just walk away quite frequently. I don’t know if it’s because I’m 46 and some sort of midlife crisis, but previously I’ve always been able to get back to a place of acceptance.
Im a single parent to 2 DCs, one of whom has SEN. He is very challenging and also refuses to stay with his dad so is with me every night. He won’t have babysitters ( totally freaks out) so I’m trapped in the house. Has also been many awful years of fighting and fighting for him at school etc on my own.
Im in a ‘good’ job with nice colleagues, which is probably pretty secure. So feel I have to be sensible and stay. But I am bored. I am trying to find internal secondments at the moment.
Im just so, so bored with my life though and feel like all the last bits of ‘me’ are fading away. My world feels so small and I hate it.
Before kids - this sounds very arrogant - but I was always so sociable, I was bright at uni and highly regarded at work, had theatre and culture and just interesting and diverse people in my life. I miss that person so much it actually hurts. I look back and think I wasted so much potential. I wish I could go back now with the confidence I now have and grab the opportunities I had and become the person I could have been.
Instead I married my ex - we did have a lot of fun years, but then he became very successful in what started as a hobby. It meant he was away for months at a time, very little time at home even when he was here. It was ok before kids but when we had them I was effectively on my own ( no family) for years. Ended up with PND. When he eventually retired he had an affair and left for the OW. We actually get on fine now, but all of a sudden I regret those years with him. We were very different.
Somehow I totally lost myself. I’m not a great mum either tbh. I love my children of course but it isn’t enough for me. I miss people. I’d love a partner who is interested in the same things as me, but suspect it is unlikely.
I really don’t want to feel like this - I dislike myself immensely for it, I’ve never been someone with regrets before. I also nearly died unexpectedly last year and perhaps that has also triggered this. Sometimes I even think I wish I had never had children which I know is terrible and something that shouldn’t be said. Or rather not had children and had to bring them up alone as Im not cut out for it.
Has anyone felt like this and managed to get back to acceptance?