Partners with ADHD

[Ponderingthemeaningoflife]

Does anyone have a partner with ADHD?

My DH has just received an inattentive ADHD diagnosis. Completely unsurprising as we’ve been joining the dots for a couple of years since realising DS7 is almost certainly ND.

Any tips? I carry the mental load, like almost all women I imagine. DH does make up for this as he is very hands on - gets up with the DC 98% of the mornings as he’s much more of a morning person than I am, we share all the drop offs/pick ups. Obviously I get frustrated. He also I’m sure has a fair bit of RSD, he’s VERY sensitive and thinks I’m criticising when I’m not (I’m also blunt and cutting so probably doesn’t help).

I don't have any advice really but just knowing and understanding that life is so much harder for people with inattentive ADHD is the best thing you can do.
I find work intolerably boring and when you can't focus on something for 10 minutes,having to focus on it for 10 hours is horrendous.

My dh is amazing because he appreciates that although I don't appear to do as much as him, I've worked twice as hard to do it.
I wouldn't wish it on anyone, and to have it can be utterly debilitating.
I wouldn't have chosen to live at all if it meant living with ADHD but I didn't chose to be born and I'm just trying to get through life the best I can, I know i won't be here forever and that's what gets me through.
Understanding that he has a disability that he didn't choose and isn't lazy and seeing how hard it is to function in a world he can't function in is the best way you can support him.

I’m so sorry to read that @BrilliantUsername that must be awful. I’m glad you have a supportive DH.

The key is to figure out what he can do, what he enjoys doing and accept that anything else is beyond him due to his disability.

I’m a lone parent with Combined Type ADHD and in order to mitigate what I can’t do, I have a cleaner for 3 hours a week, I don’t have more than 20 outfits in my wardrobe, I’m on the max dose of Elvanse and the max dose of Dex (instant release booster).

I have adhd, combined type. I am a single parent, although I have a lovely DP, the kids aren't his and a lot of the mental land is mine to carry for that reason. I auto.ate as much as I can. Everything hoes straight into digital calendars with multiple alerts. Lists are vital. I also leave sticky notes on Everything and use chalk pens to write important things on mirrors.

Is it the case that he wants to do but doesn't know how? Does he not realise there's stuff that needs doing? Could you have a weekly 'summit' where you, he and even your DC sit down together to go over the week ahead, who's doing what, enter Everything into the wall calendar, assign jobs to people, make sure they have a process in place to remember etc?

Float it to DH as a way of helping DC to prepare for being more responsible and realise what's involved in running life if you think he might get upset if he thinks it's aimed at him.

My DS starts secondary school in Sep. He's combined type adhd and I am working hard to try and get processes in place now that will help him.these are all things we're trying.

Remember adhd people respond to routine and processes well. It cuts down on the working memory required to do things in a sensible order. Maybe hand off as many routine, process based tasks as you can (prepping lunchboxes, organising uniform or laundry etc) while you take on the more ad hoc or annual ones?

Just some thoughts, but adhd is as varied as the people who have it so different things work for different people.

Mind you. I also find routine based stuff soooooo dull, but if I don't do it there's hungry kids, no clean clothes etc. Motivation of a sort. We're often down to the emergency pants before I do a wash, then I spend a day and a half doing ALL of the washing.
I exhaust myself, honestly, I don't know why DP thinks I'm worth putting up with.

@Januaryisthelongestyear funnily enough he does lots of the processy tasks, they’ve been delegated naturally - cooking, lunchboxes, meal planning. I do the bulk of the online shop with all the usual things as otherwise we end up with some strange things but he then chooses set meals and adds the ingredients. That’s a useful tip, thank you. Hadn’t realised processy stuff can be more straightforward to tackle but he must find it as he’s never forgotten to make a lunchbox, for example.

We use a lot of stuff on our phone to organise, to be honest I’d be lost without my reminders. We have a shared calendar so I add stuff in there, shared reminders. I think that all works ok.

There’s no particular goal other than I’d like
to try and be more understanding.

Melissa Orlov wrote a book about being in a relationship with someone who has ADHD (sorry, I forget its name) that many have found helpful. You might want to check it out.