I’m a 41 yo SM and have been feeling a growing sense of malaise about life. A sense of ‘is this it?’ and ‘I can’t keep pushing much longer’. I can cope usually but during PMS all I can see is what is wrong.
I’ve been seeing a therapist and time outside in nature is also helpful, but I have to motivate myself to get out.
After 17 years of raising my son alone from birth and 11 years as a mature student from an Access course (my PhD is pretty much done, just awaiting confirmation having submitted my corrected thesis), I’m trying to learn how to enjoy life and what makes me happy, perhaps having never known. For instance, I realised I am gay during lockdown. Through all this I’ve been mostly self-supporting; I don’t really have emotionally intimate relationships besides the one with my amazing DS.
The area I’m most content about in my life is work; I’m good at it and developing a rewarding and stimulating career. But when I’m low I feel over-committed and overwhelmed. My level of ambition undermines my ability to be content.
I thought a lack of fun was the main issue and have been getting out more to gigs, lesbian meet ups, volunteering as a hike leader and taking dancing and music lessons. These activities have created great moments and make life more interesting. but I still ultimately daunted by the slog of living without much connection and love in my life, beyond my little family with DS.