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Original poster

Baby prefers mum - how to make better?

18 replies

waitingwaitingwaiting2 · 04/02/2023 19:40

DS is 4 years, DD is 3 months. DH took 3 months of leave but most of the time was spent helping me recover (difficult caesarean) and managing our 4 yo. Baby now shrieks and goes completely hysterical whenever DH holds her and she instantly calms when he passes her back to me. I think his feelings are a bit hurt and it is hard for me to be the only one who can settle her, as I’ve been trying to spend more time with DS, who has had some jealousy issues seeing mummy with baby so much.

DS wasn’t like this at all. How can we make it a bit more balanced?

OP posts:

Original poster

waitingwaitingwaiting2 · 04/02/2023 22:49

Bump?

OP posts:

Stickmansmum · 04/02/2023 22:51

She’s only 3 months. It’s all instinct and smell right now. Especially if you’re breastfeeding. Hopefully he can understand that. It’s not personal, it’s milk and physical closeness after you grew her.

Aquamarine1029 · 04/02/2023 22:51

I think your husband should spend time with the baby away from you. You can go out with your son or he can take her out.

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Nothingbuttheglory · 04/02/2023 22:52

It's not surprising that she prefers you. She spent 9 months with your smell, your heartbeat, and if you're bf you're also food source

They just have to spend more time together. Take the 4 yo old to the park and leave them to it.

hourbyhour101 · 04/02/2023 22:53

Ahh can you give DS a role as chief nappy fetcher ?

We say wait a minute I'm holding baby to the older ones, but with litties I would say in front of my my 4 year old wait a second baby I just need to help DS with something (even when baby was asleep)

It helped us a lot. Re baby more time with DH will sort it out. It's leading up to the fussy stage so it's more probably you are comfort. Maybe a t shirt of yours near DH will help baby settle ?

user1471453601 · 04/02/2023 23:05

I second the poster who said it's smell. My nephew, when a baby, would settle more easily for me than his dad.

Now our children are so much older, I've noticed the same with our dog. Dog, Jack Russell, is very vocal and highly reactive to outside noise. Yet last week my sister walked into my house and dog didn't make a sound just stood there wagging her tail. My sister only comes twice a year or so anyway (dog is 3 years old, so has seen her 6/7 times) yet dog seems to know she is biological family.

it will pass, as child gets to know your husbands face, and smell.

Original poster

waitingwaitingwaiting2 · 05/02/2023 16:22

Thank you all, we tried DH alone with baby this afternoon and was a hysterical screaming mess. She’d had a good nap, nursed well, and I was only gone an hour and a half. I reckon we will have to keep trying…

OP posts:

HiKelsey · 05/02/2023 16:45

Have you tried giving DH one of your tips to put on his shoulder when he is holding Little one? I know that helped a little for DD when her dad held her

Whatshername17 · 05/02/2023 16:53

This is the age they are becoming more alert, more aware who is who. Of course she prefers mum! My did too. Mine still does at 18 months but for goodness sake it won't last forever. Stop stressing her and yourselves out. She's 3 months ffs.

Whatshername17 · 05/02/2023 16:54

Why do you HAVE to keep trying? For whose benefit..?

FlounderingFruitcake · 05/02/2023 16:58

Whatshername17 · 05/02/2023 16:54

Why do you HAVE to keep trying? For whose benefit..?

The older child’s presumably??

I’d keep trying OP, making DH wear your dirty t-shirt (😂) is a good idea.

Abracadabra12345 · 05/02/2023 16:58

Whatshername17 · 05/02/2023 16:54

Why do you HAVE to keep trying? For whose benefit..?

Exactly!

MrsCLogan · 05/02/2023 17:27

My DS was absolutely like this at 3 months, I would have to leave the shirt I’d been wearing with him to use as a blanket so I could get anything done! He grew out of it at about 4 months. We found if he spent the morning with DH (and I had a much needed lie in) it was easier as he hadn’t seen me yet.

hourbyhour101 · 05/02/2023 18:10

Whatshername17 · 05/02/2023 16:54

Why do you HAVE to keep trying? For whose benefit..?

Because mums deserve to wee in peace without world war 3 going off.

Basically the exact thing men get to do.

hourbyhour101 · 05/02/2023 18:12

Honestly op get a T-shirt that's really really been worn. And leave it in the arms of DH whoever.

If your bf this makes it slightly more complicated as the smell of milk will make baby want you. I remember this and it does end. Eventually

StarsandStones · 05/02/2023 19:07

May sound strange, but sit close to your DH. Talk and laugh together. Let him interact with her while in your arms. Also, cuddle/hug and kiss him so she knows he is connected to you... with time it will become easier... (DD1 is 4, DD2 is 6 months. Breastfed and bottles of expressed milk)

Whatshername17 · 06/02/2023 05:13

But this doesn't require stressing your baby out for an hour and a half does it

EekThreek · 06/02/2023 06:20

Mine were like this, dh took it really personally with #1, but by the time we got to #3 we had both learned that it goes in stages. You can't see the end of it while you're in it, but one day it will suddenly flip and the other parent will become the 'favourite'. And then it will flip back...

#3 was like this at 3mo, and she was mix fed so it wasn't just a milk thing. By 6mo she had preferences for different times of day and activities. I was always the bedtime parent because of milk, and it stressed me out. By 15mo, dh was the bedtime parent. Now she's 5 and still prefers him to do her bedtime but accepts that we take it in turns (as we always have).

She's still tiny, although it feels like forever at the moment. Try leaving them together for really short periods for now - 15 mins, stretch it out to 20, half an hour. An hour and a half if you've never really been apart must have been overwhelming for her as she doesn't understand where you've gone, that you'll be back, and that other people can care for her just as well as you can. It'll get there though!

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