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Original poster

When do you become a step parent?

17 replies

MrsMontyD · 04/02/2023 13:29

DP has a DD, he's moving in with me soon, so his DD will come here when she's with him. Can I call myself step mum at this point? Are there rules?

OP posts:
Hbh17 · 04/02/2023 13:30

When you marry a child's parent, surely?

KangarooKenny · 04/02/2023 13:31

When you marry the parent.

TeddyBeans · 04/02/2023 13:33

I don't think there are rules, no. I've lived with DP for over a year and we both see him as DS's step dad. It doesn't come up in conversation very often

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Original poster
MrsMontyD · 04/02/2023 13:33

But lots of couples in blended families don't get married, what do you call each other?

DP will be living with my DC full time, will he not be step dad unless we get married?

Not arguing btw, this in new territory for me.

OP posts:
Loopyloooooo · 04/02/2023 13:36

She'd be your boyfriend's/partner's (I guess depending on what you call him?) daughter unless you get married.

TheOriginalEmu · 04/02/2023 13:37

Mumsnet has a stick up it’s arse about this. You aren’t allowed to be a step parent until you marry the person even if you’ve been together 20 years. It’s stupid.
i think if you are living together and are involved in the child’s life, you are a step parent.

coldcoffee12 · 04/02/2023 13:39

When you get married.

You will be dads partner/girlfriend.

Realistically how many 'step mums' do you think kids would have if every child called their dads new partner 'Step mum'.

Is the really fair on the kids. And please dont get your kids to call him dad just because he has moved in.

ZenNudist · 04/02/2023 13:41

Well you can call yourself what you like but you are not a step parent until you marry. Just like your in law's aren't your in laws until you marry.

People find it easier to appropriate legal language as shorthand for the relationship in substance.

You remain their dad's girlfriend until you marry. They remain your partners child.

coldcoffee12 · 04/02/2023 13:43

TheOriginalEmu · 04/02/2023 13:37

Mumsnet has a stick up it’s arse about this. You aren’t allowed to be a step parent until you marry the person even if you’ve been together 20 years. It’s stupid.
i think if you are living together and are involved in the child’s life, you are a step parent.

Well legally your not - unless you get married.

Plus I always find it totally weird that adults are desperate to claim titles that they are really not entitled to.

Do you call your partner your husband if your not married? No as that would be weird.

unicornsarereal72 · 04/02/2023 13:44

I think it depends on the role you take in that child's life. My mother remarried when I was around 12. That person did no parenting toward me in anyway. And I refer to him as my mothers husband. My dad also remarried when I was younger. I never lived with my dad. Although his wife is a lovely lady. We visited maybe six times a year. Neither of them had anything to do with bringing me up. My mum did all the hard work in parenting and providing for me. And although the other adults played a part. They did not parent

Original poster
MrsMontyD · 04/02/2023 15:03

DP already takes a more active parenting role with my dd (older teen) than her own father and she's old enough to decide how she wants to refer to him.

OP posts:
Ihatethenewlook · 04/02/2023 15:07

TheOriginalEmu · 04/02/2023 13:37

Mumsnet has a stick up it’s arse about this. You aren’t allowed to be a step parent until you marry the person even if you’ve been together 20 years. It’s stupid.
i think if you are living together and are involved in the child’s life, you are a step parent.

Um… no. There are actually specific and legal definitions of what a step parent is. It’s the legal non related spouse of a parent. You literally have to be married to be a step parent.

When do you become a step parent?
TeddyBeans · 04/02/2023 21:48

MrsMontyD · 04/02/2023 15:03

DP already takes a more active parenting role with my dd (older teen) than her own father and she's old enough to decide how she wants to refer to him.

I think this is the most relevant bit OP, if she wants him to be called her step dad then that's absolutely her choice. Noone should tell her she can't regardless of what legalities say

fantasmasgoria1 · 04/02/2023 23:51

I think if you are in a committed long term relationship that you can say you are a step parent. It's like when people have a mother/sister/father/brother etc in law you don't need to be married for this.

TheOriginalEmu · 05/02/2023 02:30

coldcoffee12 · 04/02/2023 13:43

Well legally your not - unless you get married.

Plus I always find it totally weird that adults are desperate to claim titles that they are really not entitled to.

Do you call your partner your husband if your not married? No as that would be weird.

Show quote history

There is no ‘legally’ about being a step-parent. It’s not like being a spouse, there is no definition of the term that means anything in law.

TheOriginalEmu · 05/02/2023 02:39

Ihatethenewlook · 04/02/2023 15:07

Um… no. There are actually specific and legal definitions of what a step parent is. It’s the legal non related spouse of a parent. You literally have to be married to be a step parent.

Show quote history

whilst the term step-parent has a legal definition, there is no legal status attached to being a step-parent. You have no rights as a married step-parent, it means nothing in the eyes of the law. The only right is one of parental responsibility and you do not need to be married to get that for your partners child.
There is also a difference between a legal definition of a word and a general definition. If a family considers a person to be a step-parent, then they are by the general definition of the word. It’s a nonsense to say that the woman who raised me since I was 2 years old, who has been in my life for 40 years, and loves me is not my step mother just because she’s not married to my father. If she had given birth to me no one would question if she was my mother due to them being unmarried, would they?

199O · 05/02/2023 02:45

I think only if/when the child is comfortable with the term. If that’s never, then never.

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