How to increase a child's confidence?

[OxfordDog]

My son is 11. He's shy and anxious. He recently started secondary school and it's having an impact on him. He's struggling to make friends and push himself forward in sporting activities, which becomes a cycle because (as a sporty child who gets a lot from friendships) it decreases his confidence further. I feel so sad for him when he's missed from party invitations and cringe when I see him struggling to talk to grown ups without mumbling and avoiding eye contact. I don't think there are any special needs at play, purely shyness and lack of confidence. How do you increase a child's confidence and help them overcome shyness?

Watching with interest, my DS is similar!

Could you get him involved in something outside of school? A sport if that's his thing. Youth theatre can be great for confidence. Or scouts or similar.

I really think extra-curricular clubs - sports, drama, coding, art etc - help. My daughter is similar. I have her in a few f different activities. I also find that the more we have guests over to the house, even just for a coffee, it gets them more used to social conversation.

I would recommend extra curricular stuff too.

I would also ask him how he feels when he is talking to adults. Is he feeling anxious? Why is he avoiding eye contact?

Also, give him the opportunity to practise his social skills everywhere you go. So if you're in a shop and need something, ask him to ask the assistant for it etc.

He does a lot of extra curricular stuff already - football, scouts, musical instrument. We encourage that because we hear it's supposed to help with confidence, but it doesn't in our experience! More visitors to the house is probably a good point. We have a tiny extended family, so often not many visitors. I know it's human nature - introvert, extrovert etc - but I fear shyness will hold him back.

I have a shy DC, 9. He started a martial art this term and it’s really seems to have increased his confidence. Have to be honest I never really believed all the ‘increases self confidence etc’ about various activities, but it’s honestly making a difference with him!

Was gonna say martial arts. Really inclusive

You build confidence by being told you are/feeling/being good at something.

lots of praise and positive language

celebrating achievements

encouraging developmental steps eg speaking to shop keepers

does he enjoy these activities? Want to do them? Get something from them?

helping others eg something he can do that others can’t, eg read to younger children, help others children with maths, etc

Being given responsibility has done wonders for DDs confidence. Knowing that people believe in her and trust her.

Scputs has been very good for her confidence as shes very practical.

DS is a year younger and exactly the same. When out and about I try to get him to be involved as much as possible eg says what he would like when ordering food, and he got a debit card for Xmas so now he can buy bits himself in shops, which I think is slowly helping. Scouts really helped and I think martial arts is a great idea I will suggest that for DS too. Good luck to your son.

My DS struggled with his self confidence so school organised a number of sessions with a confidence coach, they also talked to me about strategies.

He had to list his '10 superpowers' so things like being kind, patient etc then each evening we'd sit and discuss how he'd used his powers that day. I also had to try and get them in to conversations as much as possible, so like 'that was really kind of you to share that xyz' he started feeling better about himself after a while.

We also did lots of role playing of how to start a conversation, speak out in class etc.

Do speak to school though, I found them really helpful.

How about one of the Martial Arts?

Or a drama/theatre club?

Why do you think he is shy and anxious?

Understanding this could be the key to actually understand why he is nervous to engage with the world.

Does he have some issues that you don't know about e.g. body image? At 11 a lot of children are noticing changes etc, is he feeling self conscious?

Does he have siblings and get a bit lost amongst them? Does he need more one to one time with you maybe and more praise, positive reinforcement and feedback, rather than just packing him off to activities?

Or is this just his personality - some people are just shy - in which case, you should try to accept who he is.

There are so many things it could be, I think you can't really do a lot to support him until you understand why.

He does a lot of extra curricular stuff already - football, scouts, musical instrument. We encourage that because we hear it's supposed to help with confidence, but it doesn't in our experience!

I think if he is already low on confidence for some reason then he will find it equally hard to engage in extra curriculur activites, and it could even make it worse to try and force it. The more he finds it difficult, the more it will knock his confidence and make feel he can't do it.

I wonder how he is feeling about all this, and if you have spoken to him about it? Does he have any insight - would he like to be more confident? What does he think would help?

Gently bringing it into his awareness and having a conversation could help, but it needs to be very supportive in terms of helping him, and accepting his choices, rather than being about your desire for a more sociable child. So if he says he wants to stop doing all the extracurricular stuff for a bit, you should respect that. Let him take some ownership and direct himself for a while.

I can only speak as an adult who hadn't much confidence until I met my husband. He just encouraged me to do things that were out of my comfort zone and that boosted my confidence so much.

With our kids, I verbalise the process: 'you were very anxious about x but you did it anyway and enjoyed it in the end' or 'you were worried about that but you gave it a try anyway'. I like giving them opportunities to stand back and see how they saw a situation through from start to finish. I don't know if my kids are confident because my husband is, but they are pretty confident, despite both being quite sensitive children who are prone to ovetthinking (like me!).

I think confidence in social groups is a developmental/maturity issue and can come with time. Some children are just more ìntroverted and will never enjoy social activities that much. If that's the way your son is, then that's fine too.