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Original poster

Put parents in a home

103 replies

AllOutofEverything · 02/02/2023 11:12

This advice is often given on mumsnet and drives me mad. You can not put an adult in a home unless they are assessed as having no capacity to make that decision. It does not matter if you have power of attorney. An adult can decide if they want to go into a home or not. And that includes making decisions that are against their own best interests. They may have a better life in a home and be better cared for, but if they do not want to go, that is their decision.

Similarly family can not just decide the state will pay for a relatives residential home because they think they need to be in one and do not have enough money to pay privately. A care assessment is carried out and a decision made about whether the person needs the level of care given in a home or is fine at home with carers. You can challenge this decision of course. But if your relative is assessed as not needing a care home then the state will not pay for it.

Most people without dementia are at home with carers popping in. If someone needs getting out of bed, washed, dressed, food given and toileting, then carers visiting their home is usually what will be recommended.

Of course many people persuade a reluctant parent to go into a care home. But they still have to agree however reluctantly.

OP posts:
Honeyroar · 03/02/2023 21:11

Mammajay · 02/02/2023 14:54

I had an older friend who was perfectly mentally able and intelligent but who had become quite frail. She had carers going in to help daily. Then she told me, whilst in hospital, that her adult children had decided that she should go into care. Not that they had all discussed the options but that they had decided. It made me sad and mad. She died very soon after going into the home.

Sorry, but this post has saddened/annoyed me a bit. One or two of my mother’s friends might come out with something like this. They have no idea how much running around I do topping up the care. I shop for/cook/freeze every meal that the caters heat up for her. I pay all her bills, organise them care, take her to all her (many) hospital appointments. Sit in A&E with her every time something happens. I worry about her. My father, who was much less frail, died this year from a fall and “long lie”. Plus her family know how her finances are. Perhaps the carers are running down her finances at a fast rate (that’s the case with my mother). There comes a point where something has to give…

Mirabai · 03/02/2023 21:19

TonTonMacoute · 02/02/2023 12:36

I agree OP, if only it was that simple.

My MIL had Alzheimer's and dementia and was physically in poor health but refused to go into a home, although I think that in a good home she would have been far happier, far less lonely and miserable and far better looked after if she had. There are several excellent homes near us which looked lovely, and she could easily have afforded it.

However, adult social care assessed her and insisted that she could manage at home with carers visiting 3 times a day, however she hated this too - 'I don't want people coming in fussing all the time'.

It wasn't until her third fall, which resulted in her spending all night on the floor, that they finally accepted that she lacked capacity to understand her care needs, but it didn't matter by then because she was so weakened by this she was dead within 3 months.

The thought of forcing people is horrible, but my MIL had an utterly horrible final year to her life that I wouldn't wish on anyone.

Yes I agree.

The received wisdom is that elderly are better at home with what they know. But having been responsible for an elderly relative with mobility issues and Alzheimer’s, she had a very lonely time at home with carers going in. She used to hallucinate that people were getting into the house. When she finally went into a home she visibly relaxed and was so much happier and the hallucinations stopped. She didn’t even miss her home either, she couldn’t really remember it due to Alzheimer’s. I wish we had moved her a couple of years before so she had longer to benefit from the care and companionship the home provided.

I am going into a home earlier rather than later.

Mirabai · 03/02/2023 21:21

Honeyroar · 03/02/2023 21:11

Sorry, but this post has saddened/annoyed me a bit. One or two of my mother’s friends might come out with something like this. They have no idea how much running around I do topping up the care. I shop for/cook/freeze every meal that the caters heat up for her. I pay all her bills, organise them care, take her to all her (many) hospital appointments. Sit in A&E with her every time something happens. I worry about her. My father, who was much less frail, died this year from a fall and “long lie”. Plus her family know how her finances are. Perhaps the carers are running down her finances at a fast rate (that’s the case with my mother). There comes a point where something has to give…

Show quote history

I agree. Not to mention managing the carers which is a job in itself. It sounds as if she stayed in her own home as long as feasible and only when it became too frail was she moved - in which case she may not have lasted long wherever she was.

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