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Original poster

Talk me through teenage meltdowns

23 replies

DinDjarin · 01/02/2023 17:18

DS 13 (asd) today threw a massive tantrum/meltdown over his homework. He was given maths homework last Friday which he hid from us. Sent home to do on Monday -refused. Tuesday he took back his phone (which he'd lost for the day because I found it on the floor amongst his Lego) whilst I was out taking Dd to her music lesson and used the calculator. He promised yesterday to learn his vocab today, and today refused, saying he'd agreed to meet some friends to play. I said he had to do it before going out and reminded that he had promised to do it today. After tantrumming about how unfair life is for 2 hours, kicking his school bag around etc he said "I'm going out" and walked out to meet his friends.

He didn't do anything stupid outside and he stayed within bounds. Realistically, he is much stronger than me and my size. I couldn't have stopped him if I'd tried.

How are you supposed to deal with this situation. He is currently in his room, refusing to tidy it, have a shower, finish his homework...

OP posts:

PennyToffee · 01/02/2023 17:22

I think you need to pick your battles. I'm not sure why you took his phone? Also the HW thing, I'd leave him to face the consequences at school and I wouldn't really care if he used a calculator to get it done.

curvymumma79 · 01/02/2023 17:24

Following! DS 14 seems to have a fresh batch of hormones coming in on a daily basis at the moment!

A lot of fussing, and sheer nonsense for no reason at all.

Original poster

DinDjarin · 01/02/2023 17:28

I took his phone because it was lying on the floor. Any device found on the floor where it can be trodden on = gone for 24 hours.
There are no consequences at school for not doing homework, school expect parents to ensure homework is done and discipline accordingly.
He is/was not supposed to use a calculator for the homework.

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aramox1 · 01/02/2023 17:30

Draw 3 baskets and decide which stuff you will fuss about, which are ideals (laundry, tidying?) and which are Small Stuff. Remind yourself frequently you can't control everything.
Keep punishment to a minimum, make rules clear, and otherwise, request and negotiate so they have more say.
Shower with love even when they are foul. Look for any opportunity to say you're fab.
Keep drink and chocolate at hand.

These worked a bit for us.

PennyToffee · 01/02/2023 17:37

The more rules you have such as the no phones on the floor one, the more battles you will have.

TeeBee · 01/02/2023 17:42

After bringing up two boys more or less single-handedly, I can recommend trying to keep a sense of humour about as much as possible and only loose your shit for really important things.
When mine wouldn't tidy their room, I'd shout up pleasantly 'give me a shout when you've tidied your room and I'll bring you up a hot chocolate and a muffin'. No tidy room, no treat. Mine responded far more to a carrot than a stick. If that didn't work, I'd give them a big hug and say 'do you want your mummy to help you? Awww come here my little one'. Basically just annoy the crap out of them until they do it. Don't forget, they sometimes get a bit overwhelmed with where to start so say, right dirty clothes in the basket and give those to me for washing. Here's a bin bag, you put the rubbish in, I'll put it in the bin. Be on their side while still getting them to do what needs to be done. The more battle lines you draw, the more they'll step over them.
If he's not doing his homework, encourage him to spend 30 minutes on a piece and you'll bring him up a cuppa (or whatever floats his boat). I know it's wearing but he will get there. Sometimes they just need some positive direction to get things done.

juneonthemoon · 01/02/2023 17:44

The more rules you have such as the no phones on the floor one, the more battles you will have

This. Pick your battles. You need to be moving towards them being an independent adult and not a child, rules like this with the phone are OTT. Honestly the people who seem to have most problems with their teens are the very authoritarian ones.

Try the book 'How to talk so teens will listen and listen so teens will talk.'

School are there to enforce homework at this age, I'd let up on being the homework police tbh.

Original poster

DinDjarin · 01/02/2023 20:23

I suppose the device on the floor rule is one we've had since they first started using an iPad, take the point.
I have to break down any task for him, so tidy room = I tell him exactly what I expect done (pick that up, dirty laundry in basket etc) I'm not telling him tidy and leaving him to it. Neither am I telling him to "do his homework" but breaking it down into parts for him. @juneonthemoon I wish, but they won't enforce either homework or working in class. There are literally no consequences for him doing nothing. The school say it's up to us. Which is really practical as we aren't there...

@TeeBee I think we must be talking about very different levels of homework refusal here. I don't think he has ever spent 30 minutes on school work ever. I'd settle for 5.

OP posts:

juneonthemoon · 01/02/2023 20:33

That sounds hard OP if there are no consequences about homework. Is the school giving any SEN support?

Teenagers are often terrible at cleaning their rooms so it might be easier to say no food or dirty clothes in the room, let there be a bit of mess?

But you need support with the asd going into teenage years I'd have thought. Are there any organisations/networks/support groups? I think there's a board on here in case that helps

BeginningBridge · 01/02/2023 20:34

When ds2 was a similar age he also avoided homework. He had a very time consuming sport that he loved ( and still does 10 years later!).
I made it clear that homework had to be done and if I heard he was not doing homework ( he would get behaviour marks at school) then he wouldn't be able to do his sport that weekend.
I only had to follow through the threat once!

juneonthemoon · 01/02/2023 20:53

I'd try incentivising him to do homework rather than punishing personally. You're never too old for a star chart or some kind of reward.

MolkosTeenageAngst · 01/02/2023 20:58

If the school don’t care about homework it’s almost certainly not important. If the school don’t care if he doesn’t do his homework then I wouldn’t bother making him do it, and I say that as a teacher.

Original poster

DinDjarin · 01/02/2023 21:02

@juneonthemoon we do. In theory! We don't punish for not doing it. Today I said he could go out when he'd done it. He didn't do it and walked out anyway. I'm supposed to let that go?

And how do I deal with the tears from the younger one who sees that he's not doing homework, she is, but he can go out to play and she can't because she's doing homework?

OP posts:

Original poster

DinDjarin · 01/02/2023 21:03

If the school don’t care if he doesn’t do his homework then I wouldn’t bother making him do it, and I say that as a teacher.

I'd kind of agree if the school made sure he was working in class. But he isn't and, by their own admission, because he's not disruptive they leave him to it.

OP posts:

juneonthemoon · 01/02/2023 21:18

Do you know why he's not doing it? eg tiredness, issues at school or with particular teachers, SEN related issues?

I'd try to get to the bottom of it and ask school for help and advice. For now I'd take a break from even talking about homework until you've got some help and support, as at this age you've got a bit of time. So maybe spend the next couple of months looking into what sort of support is available to you via the school and organisations outside of school, so that you can see what help he needs and set something up more sustainable for you all during the next few years. Good luck OP

crapplepay · 01/02/2023 21:23

I don't see why anyone regards a tidy room as a hill to die on. If a teenager/child doesn't want to tidy their room, what's going to happen? Why does it matter? I say this as an untidy person. If someone came into the kitchen and told me that I needed to tidy it, I'd think they were batshit. Your space = your choice.

Homework: if school isn't bothered, why are you enforcing it?

I have a son with ASD, btw. He's now a tidy (annoyingly) and pleasant adult.

crapplepay · 01/02/2023 21:24

I wouldn't worry about phones on the floor, either. If someone leaves a phone on the floor and someone else stands on it and breaks it, it's broken and that shows that it's a dick place to leave a phone. I wouldn't replace it or repair it under those circs, but it's a lesson learnt.

Original poster

DinDjarin · 02/02/2023 05:48

I'm not expecting it to be perfect but acceptable for a friend to visit / DH to work in there for the day.

School is bothered but they expect us to discipline him. He says it's boring and he doesn't want to do it. He wants to go out.

OP posts:

BibbleandSqwauk · 02/02/2023 07:08

I'm amazed the school has no sanctions for homework. That's not helpful. I'm a teacher and the teens I teach will do homework for me but much harder to get my son to! I use the usual things of no devices etc but ultimately, I tell him it's his choice and he'll get detention if he doesn't.

TheSnowWillGoOn · 02/02/2023 07:17

I think you need to consider the impact of ASD much more here. If you keep having these battles he will keep walking out, because, as you say, you can't really stop him.

What techniques does he have / are you helping with to decompress after school, to manage his time and cope with everyday activities so he at least attempts his homework / showers occasionally while not missing out on meeting up with his mates?

I agree with pp that you definitely need to pick your battles, I like the basket idea.
Taking away his phone (regardless of the reason) is likely to have made him less regulated than normal. That doesn't mean he should not be punished, just that you need to look out for the impact of the chosen punishment.

minisoksmakehardwork · 02/02/2023 07:24

When it comes to homework it's not a hill I'm prepared to die on. My son very much can be 'school work is for school' and that includes homework. Our deal is he goes to homework club if he does not want to do it at home. It has been written into his plan with the sendco so while our school does sanction for no homework, they do not sanction my son. Is that an option at your school?

Then your son would come home and have his decompress time. Do not under estimate the effect of the school day on children, especially those with send. All the masking and managing can be hard work.

Original poster

DinDjarin · 02/02/2023 07:43

school work is for school'
What do you do when school don't ensure he does any work at school? He brought home a workbook that they have finished. There is one page, one page in the entire book, which is half filled out. This from the teacher who said at last parents evening that it was easy not to notice where he'd gone. She told it as an amusing anecdote, she'd checked he understood the question, left him to it, went around the other children and 20 minutes later realised he was missing...

There is no "homework club". He came home and watched tv for a bit before I asked him (both) to do homework.

He doesn't negotiate. He literally will do nothing unless he wants to.

OP posts:

TheSnowWillGoOn · 02/02/2023 08:37

You need to be talking to the school about the support he needs to complete the set work.

He's clearly not able to just get on with it, either at school or at home, in which case sending it home to be finished is never going to work. In Scotland we have Support for Learning team within the school, whatever your equivalent is I would be making an appointment to discuss strategies to help him.

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