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Original poster

What do I tell kids daddy going into hospital brain surgery

16 replies

Tellthekids · 31/01/2023 13:04

My children's father is going into hospital for brain surgery. He has a small non cancer lump which is close to his ear area effects balance etc . So he's got to have an operation. He's due to go in tomorrow for the op.

It will mean the kids can't see him for a bit . But not 100%how long that will be . One side of his face could be paralysed for a bit. And he may not look himself . He said he does not want the kids seeing him looking vulnerable. Which I agree I don't want him uncomfortable or the kids.

We don't know what to tell the regarding the operation why he's having it and why thry can't see daddy for a bit.

They are 6 and 7. The 7 year old has autism and worries alot . All I can think of is to keep it very basic. Such as: daddy has a little lump that does not feel nice. So the doctor will take it away . And daddy will need to rest so he can get healthy. ... I don't know 😭

OP posts:

Original poster

Tellthekids · 31/01/2023 13:05

Sorry I should add we don't live together

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theoldhasgone · 31/01/2023 13:10

I think your idea sounds good. Maybe emphasises the doctors and nurses will be looking after him? They might not let children visit him in hospital anyway.

Also suggest they can make him cards, draw pictures for him, etc.

Twawmyarse2 · 31/01/2023 13:13

Yes, what you’ve said. Just be very cheery (difficult I know) about it so they don’t pick up on any anxiety- they don’t need details. I would give them as little information as possible whilst still reassuring them and answering their questions. You can use the Covid excuse for why they won’t be able to visit.

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DinDjarin · 31/01/2023 13:15

Might your 7 year old not worry more if they think you're keeping something from them and you don't let them see him?

Can he ask his doctor if they have any advice on how to explain it to the children. I would try to be as truthful as possible, and if they have regular contact then they will notice if something changes.

Daddy has a lump that needs to be removed. It's near his ear and if it gets bigger it will mean he can't balance like you can. He's going into hospital so the doctors can remove it. His face might look different and swollen afterwards and it will take time for it to get better. I don't know if we'll be allowed to visit him in hospital, we'll have to wait and see what the doctors say. Why don't you draw him a picture? Would you like to get him a present? What do you think he'd like?

InTheFutilityRoomEatingBiscuits · 31/01/2023 13:16

Just the truth. What have you told them before now?

Your dad needs to have an operation on the side of his head. The doctors and surgeons will be looking after him for a bit in the hospital. When he’s better you can go and see him.

if they are anything like mine

No, it won’t hurt because of anaesthetic. Long explanation of anaesthesia.

Yes he will have a scar/ no he won’t have a scar. I don’t know if you can touch it you will have to ask him. He might look weird after surgery, but only for a little while.

Yes, bodies and brains are complicated, sometimes bits go wrong. And we have doctors nurses hospitals and medicines for those times. Brains and heads are super cool and super important parts with ears, eyes, noses mouths and brains all connected. It’s important to keep them all in good shape.

We will all die someday yes but hopefully not for a long time. This is not a time to be worried.

You’ll be able to see him when he feels better but maybe you can make him a card or a game to play whilst he’s bored and recovering.

My kids had seen three family members through life changing injuries, terminal illnesses and deaths by 6,7 and they are not scarred by this I don’t think, I was always honest with them.

Good luck

Mischance · 31/01/2023 13:22

I think you should be absolutely straight with them. Draw little diagrams if needs be. Give the tumour a name - call it The Blob. Lack of knowledge or picking up that things are being kept from them will make them anxious. Being upfront and candid will make them less anxious.

Not the same of course, but my DGC (similar ages) were around when my OH was very ill. I kept everything very open and honest - they would let me know when a catheter bag needed changing! They were in no way disturbed by all this and took it all in a very matter of fact spirit. If you are matter of fact, then they will be too. No hiding things - chat about it naturally at home; let them ask questions. Be honest about how he might look afterwards and get them on board with watching for improvement.

You will do them no favours by allowing any hint of secrecy to enter into it all. Don't say it "does not make him feel nice" - tell them how it affects him: upsets his balance, makes him feel wobbly. Children have a thirst for knowledge and will take it in their stride. Get them on board with you so they don't feel excluded from something that the grown-ups talk about but they are not included in.

Original poster

Tellthekids · 31/01/2023 13:24

DinDjarin · 31/01/2023 13:15

Might your 7 year old not worry more if they think you're keeping something from them and you don't let them see him?

That's all to detailed they won't be able to take all that in.

No the 7 year old won't think that way. He cab talk to him on phone so he would be ok with that so he wpuld gear dad is ok. If he saw him on video and his face looks different that would scare him. But hopefully that won't be for to long . It night not even happen.

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Thatboymum · 31/01/2023 13:24

I went in for brain surgery and my kids went to stay at my mums for a few weeks one has adhd the other has autism, I told them mummy was going to work abroad for a few weeks but they could still FaceTime and when I FaceTimed I would be mindful of lighting and hiding wounds etc , they were fine and totally unphased , my autistic child couldn’t have coped if he thought I was in hospital or poorly so this worked best for me

Mischance · 31/01/2023 13:25

Just to add, my OH died and the GC were around almost to the last moment. They do not seem scarred in any way - they learned about illness, life and death with no problem because they were there and saw it all - the happy moments and the sadness.

Spotsstripes · 31/01/2023 13:25

Be honest in an age appropriate way. Don't lie/promise things that are out of your control. Get dc doing pictures for daddy, when daddy is ready could try phone calls then face time and build from there.
When my dc were 4-10 I was in hospital and had complications they all handled it differently one asked if I was going to die and wasn't told anything because they didn't know in hindsight I think my family should have been honest in that the doctors were trying everything to make mummy better but that mummy was very ill. I say this because I think not saying anything meant dc let their minds run riot.
As I said they all dealt with it differently and one seemed fine and then 3 months after I came home had a really tearful patch as obviously bottled everything up.
Re seeing dad don't say not till better but take it day by day. I didn't want my dc seeing me ill but actually they came to the hospital after 10 days and it was very good for them because they knew I was OK. Before they came my family showed them some pictures of my room, oxygen, machines and explained what was going on simply, this really helped dc, it didn't help me because I felt useless, but in hindsight it was best for them.
Every child will deal with it differently and will need different support. All you can do is what you think is best for them at that point in time so flexibility is probably key.

Original poster

Tellthekids · 31/01/2023 13:25

theoldhasgone · 31/01/2023 13:10

I think your idea sounds good. Maybe emphasises the doctors and nurses will be looking after him? They might not let children visit him in hospital anyway.

Also suggest they can make him cards, draw pictures for him, etc.

Thank you. That's a fantastic idea. They can do videos etc as well to send to him

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Cakeorchocolate · 31/01/2023 13:30

Exactly what you said in your op, keep it very basic.
As your older child is prone to worry I wouldn't include any of the possibilities, deal with any as they come up if necessary.

Hope all goes well with the operation.

catsnore · 31/01/2023 13:31

Just be factual, tell them the truth and don't show the worry yourself. Kids are amazingly resilient. Let them ask questions and talk to them about it once they've had a chance to take it in. Tell them when they can see him again and in the mean time send pictures etc. maybe video or phone call?

Original poster

Tellthekids · 31/01/2023 16:51

Cakeorchocolate · 31/01/2023 13:30

Exactly what you said in your op, keep it very basic.
As your older child is prone to worry I wouldn't include any of the possibilities, deal with any as they come up if necessary.

Hope all goes well with the operation.

Yes I think your right. I don't want to over complicate it

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Chiasmi · 31/01/2023 17:07

You might be surprised how little they notice changes in appearance in people they know really well.

Without the autism I would say give only the briefest details and lots of opportunities for them to ask questions. That way they can modulate the amount they know to what they are ready to hear. But with an autistic child you may need to adjust that a bit if you think he might want to know more than he is able to ask about.

Original poster

Tellthekids · 31/01/2023 17:26

Their dad just video called them . Said to them he won't be able to see them for a little bit. As the doctor needs to fix his wobbly head . And that he can video call them . And then when it's the next school holidays we can go there for a visit . They said ok abd that was it

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