Cancer and co-sleeping. Help and advice needed please

[Dizzylonglegs]

Morning, I am 43 years old with an 8 year old daughter. We have always been very close and she has co-slept with me on and off since her birth.

When she was younger she was a terrible sleeper. I was working full time (long hours and weekends) and getting up to settle her numerous times a night had me exhausted so it was just easier to have her in with me. DH can't sleep next to her so he tends to sleep in the spare bedroom.

Fast forward to now. I was diagnosed with terminal cancer early last year with a short prognosis. This has obviously been a difficult time for us as a family. Getting DD to sleep in the evenings takes me a good few hours. She wants to talk and cuddle etc. She tells me over and over how much she loves me. We have always liked to have our special time in bed in the evenings just the two of us as with my previous hectic work schedule this was our quality time so I know I have made a rod for my own back here. I also love having her in bed next to me. When DH puts her to bed (which is only when I am not at home) she goes to sleep on her own with no fuss but for me she has to be cuddled to sleep. It is getting pretty exhausting when she keeps talking even when I have asked her to be quiet now and go to sleep and DH makes comments that she is walking all over me and will shout at DD to be quiet which gets me all stressed.

I know when I am no longer around DH will not nurture DD like I do, which is when she will need it the most. I know he will not sleep with her as he thinks it is ridiculous an 8 year old still sleeps with her mummy. I guess I need to start to get her into her own bed ready for this time but how do I go about doing this when she is dealing with so much? How can I get her to go to sleep quicker for me as this is causing me stress which I am trying to avoid. I no longer work so we spend lots more time together that we don't need so much one on one time when we are in bed.

Sorry for the long post and thanks for reading x

OP I'm so sorry, what an awful situation to be in. It must be incredibly difficult for all of you. Does she know/understand your diagnosis? I'm just thinking you could maybe explain that you need more rest now, and maybe put a time on it. Say, we can go to bed and snuggle for 30 mins then it's time for you to go to your own bed for the night. Maybe also start a reward chart, is there something she would like to aim for?

I can't even begin to imagine what you're going through OP. You sound incredibly brave and it's clear how much you love your DD and want the best for her.

I feel like the onus is on your DH here. He should be the one reassuring you that he'll be extra nurturing to your DD, and will co sleep if that's what she needs and wants.

IMO he needs to out his opinions to the side right now and take care of you and DD.

Op so sorry to read your post. Heartbreaking & you sound so level headed and pragmatic. Actually I’m not sure I would try and encourage change. Maybe she wants that time with you still, of course she would - it seems a little harsh to me that your DH thinks it’s ‘ridiculous’. I’d be getting my DH to join in our ritual and watch films in bed together or do some board games etc. Quality time.

Alternatively if he’s set in his way- and maybe he feels also he can’t give that special snuggle time that you give - maybe talk to him about that and encourage him that yes he can. He can give that nurturing, perhaps he is afraid he can’t as her father. So I would open up a chat with him about that. For your own peace of mind, Is there another relative or close friend who you feel does have a softer side- I would talk to them and ask them to be that snuggly person for your daughter; tell them you are worried she won’t have that and I’m sure they will step up. Of course they won’t be sleeping in bed with her but her knowing she has a special person who will snuggle up with her and be her confidante as she grows up is a lovely thing and could be a great comfort to you and her. Best of luck to you and your family, you sound like a wonderful mum and I’m not surprised your DD wants to savour her time with you. Xxxxxx

Maybe you could buy her a Yoto player and record some stories on the blank cards. She will have the comfort of hearing your voice and of course she can continue this routine and feel close you when you're no longer with her.
You could also buy matching blankets or crochet/sew one for her if you can. Tell her when she's wrapped snuggly and tight that she's wrapped up in your love.

I don’t know what the right answer is but just wanted to say I’m so sorry you’re going through this 💐

Oh gosh this must be so very hard for you as i can see you want to prepare her for the future but also give her what she needs now. I think helping her to sleep without you might be good for her so the 30 minute time might be good. Also could you take her out and buy her a snuggley blanket that you both start to use together but she could then use for comfort when she might need it. I think you also need to prepare your dh for what she might need from him, it will be awful for both of them.

Me too xxx

I'm so sorry you're all going though this. My instinct would be to sleep with her every night and hold her close, however given your prognosis (I am so sorry) I would also want to make the transition as easy to manage for dc. I'd try and take the emotion out of it and think more practically. For example, tell dc if she can sleep in own bed on school nights she can have a treat night in mummys bed at the weekend. The reason being we all need good sleep on school nights etc. At the weekend I'd try and get your dh involved- have family movie night in your bed so that this is something your dh and dc can still do in the future and have memories of you doing it together.

What also struck me is what you said about your dh not being very nurturing. Can you encourage your dh to seek out some support in terms of parenting and understanding grief in himself and children. Your dc is going to need extra nurturing and love in the future.

Theres a lovely book called the Invisible String which I have read with my dc when they've been feeling anxious/ worried about something/ not being with me.

Hey OP, this all sounds very hard.

What occurs to me is not so much what your DH might do in the future, but that as your illness progresses it might not be in your and DD's best interests to share a bed any more, eg you might get tired more easily or have symptoms you don't want her to see.

Could you zhuzh her bedroom up a bit (new duvet cover and fairy lights, doesn't have to be £££) and talk about how you need to find a new bedtime routine? Maybe you could read to her when she's in your bed, but she only comes in to you for snuggles in daytime hours? It could be a way for both of you to discuss what will happen in the future and how things will change but providing reassurance. And it would establish nice memories of her in her new room so she can associate it with you, you could make a corner that will help her remember you, if that doesn't seem too mawkish - a scrapbook, photo album or a cosy corner set up with books and blankets etc.

I imagine that sharing a bed up until your condition means she has to be told to stop will be more upsetting than a gentle transition now.

I wouldn't assume that DH will be exactly the parent he is now, when you're not around. We all play roles in response to what other people are doing around us, he might respond to her need for nurturing and snuggles differently if he's parenting solo. They might also want more physical closeness to help with grief.

Good luck!

I’m so sorry to read this, and can only imagine how horrific it must be to have to consider not being there for your dd.

I don’t think there is a right answer here but instinctively I would think that she needs you and that changing things now might not be right. She obviously can sleep without you if she has to… and these will be special memories she will always have.

I agree with a pp that the onus should be on your dh to reassure you that he will look after dd and co-sleep if that’s what she needs when the time comes.

I think (and this is awful to think about too, I’m so sorry) that as your illness progresses she might actually sleep with you less. If it works for you, I think I’d give her as much love and closeness as she needs while you can.