Anyone else work with their DH/DP?

[FlamingoYellow]

I work in the same department, doing the same job, as my DP. It's a fairly new relationship (couple of years) but we have been friends and work colleagues for years. I'm finding the shift between being colleagues and being in a relationship tricky to get right. A couple of times recently DP has had a problem at work, he'll get really anxious about it, maybe a couple of other people will also confide in him that they are also affected by this work problem, but no one will do anything about it. So I mention it to our manager so that they are aware but I feel like I then come across like a bit of a busybody. I've decided that in future I won't say anything to anyone if he is struggling with something at work because it reflects so badly on me. I would, and have, always mentioned to my line manager when I feel like a colleague is getting very stressed or anxious about something work related - because sometimes people feel like they can't speak up for themselves in those situations - but when that person is my partner it seems to come across to management like I'm interfering?

How have you all found it working with someone who you are also in a relationship with?

I do. Same company different departments

Honestly, I think it would probably be better for one of you to get another job. And let your colleagues ( including your DP) fight their own battles. Although you’re trying to help you’re making them look unassertive in your manager’s eyes.

How long ago is “recently”

How old are you both?

Come again

You spoke to your DP’s a manger about his issue?

Was your DP aware that you were going to spoke to his line manager?

Unbelievably unprofessional

what industry and I’m guessing you are both very junior?

I would be mortified if my DP spoke “for” me like this at work. Mortified. Just don’t.

So he's confiding in you about something at work, and you're dobbing him in the management? And surprised it isn't going down well?
I'd be furious if I told a friend or colleague or partner I was anxious about something, wasn't sure how to do a job etc, wasnt sure I was doing it right and they spoke to my boss! You're meant to sell them to management, not make out they're incapable!

I didn't even think of it like that. I guess I've always just thought of it as looking out for colleagues. If I can see someone else is being given an unfair workload, for example, and is clearly under loads of stress it feels wrong not to try to help them out in some way? I'm not very young but I do have autism and I find it very hard to predict how other people will see things. I've never dobbed someone in (although for all I know, maybe that's how it seems to others??) but I have always spoken up if I think someone is being treated unfairly. I'm absolutely mortified now that I've been behaving really unprofessionally without realising.

have some bloody respect for your colleagues and stop patronising them

i am surprised no manager In the past or indeed a colleague haven’t made it abundantly clear to you how unprofessional you are being

@FlamingoYellow if you're autistic I can understand it would be hard to perhaps see the difference, so don't beat yourself up. But yeah, going forward I'd keep your nose out. If you're worried someone isn't coping or has an unfair load, speak the person involved to see how they'd like help - you can offer to speak to management on their behalf, but be led by them. No-one likes having their name taken to management unless it's for something good.

I used to work with dh before we were a couple, I then got promotion and became his manager. Then we became a couple and was his manager for about a year, I coached him through promotion. We then had the same job for about 4 years. We've been together 24 years, 2 kids. We don't work for the same company anymore.

We never spoke of work outside of the office and no way would I have spoken to his manager, that is definitely overstepping the mark.

DH and I met at work, dated 18 months we moved then moved and got jobs in different cities. I think it’s preferable not to work together.

Yes but different as we own our own business. But each have very different roles.

We met at work, worked together for first 10 years together (first 5 living separately then got married and lived together). We did the same job in same department although had mainly different clients/projects.

We kept it very professional at work - we didn't even let on we were together for the first six months, then it was only those in our team who knew until we got married, and that was really only because we socialised with them outside work. After being together for over three years, we once hugged at work to celebrate something and were told it was the first time they'd ever seen us touch each other!

Having said that, I have in the past reported to managers when a colleague was unhappy or I felt wasn't being treated properly, so logic would say it was OK to do that for a colleague who also happened to be your DP, but I think I would actually be less likely to do it in respect of DP, though I'd have a good try at persuading him to report it.

Incidentally, when we stopped working together as he moved firms, it felt very odd that when we talked about work I didn't know the people he was talking about, and even more odd when I then moved firm so he didn't either. We still talk about work (and sometimes even specific technical things) but not as much as we did when we worked together and I suspect it is healthier to have some separation.

Then we became a couple and was his manager for about a year, I coached him through promotion.

and that is precisely why relationships in the workplace are not healthy for the rest of the team

Really your situation is unsustainable long term. One of you needs to find a different job.

We met at work and although didn't lie about it we didn't talk about it there either, we were on the same grade but different depts. Even when we moved in together we continued to drive in separately (it wasn't far) as we both liked to come and go at different times and to be able to go out at lunchtime etc. I remember turning up to a meeting he was supposed to be at and someone asking me where he was, I had no idea and said so. Someone else said "why would Especially know, she's not in his dept" and someone else said "well they are engaged", turned out most had no idea we were together and that's the way I preferred it.

I agree with this, when DH and I got together we knew one or both were going to be made redundant over the next couple of years (turned out to be both) so it wasn't an issue but if that had not been the case one of would definitely have looked to move on.

@Whatislove82 not in the slightest, I coached a total of 13 people to promotion. I'm bloody good!