House on top of me

[RosieFinch]

Hey all,
looking for some advice and guidance but a hard one to be asking.

About 6 years ago my partner and I bought a modest house (2 up 2 down style) pervious to that we had what could be best described as little more than a bed sit.
After suffering depression and ongoing PTSD the house has got on top of me and no matter what method I use to try and begin sorting things I can’t keep up and things literally fall in on me again.

We have only ever invited people round once and that was the week we bought the house and not all of our stuff had been moved in, after that I stand in the door to block people coming in, of which makes me feel so rude and guilty.

A family member who stepped one foot in as they dropped something off in the rain quickly left and later raised it as a concern which broke my heart because I know it’s true. The trouble is I don’t know where to start and can’t see any light at the end of the tunnel.

Our house needs considerable work doing but I can’t invite anyone round to quote because the state of the house means they can’t see what they need but I fee stuck in a cycle whilst I know the house is deteriorating. Im also desperate for kids so know our house isn’t a forever home but equally I could never sell it in the state it’s in currently.

I don’t have family support and work full time. I’ve started to resent my partner for not doing what I consider as much but realistically he does help ie loading the washing occasionally cooking and he also works full time.

Ive tried booking odd days as annual leave to try and get things sorted under time pressure and I’ve tried booking chunks of time but I don’t seem to make a dent.

As you can probably guess by the rambling I’ve reached the end of my teether and I’ve reached desperation point. I can’t go on hating my partner, my home and life because of a house that I’m spending more money at a weekend trying to get out of (ie Saturday lunch) than I am saving for building works.

PLEASE HELP!!!! 😫

I think you are seeing it currently as "the WHOLE house needs sorting", when really you are better tackling really small bits at a time. Pick a room, and then a section of that room, and then something in that section. For example, a coffee table with things under it and on it. Just do underneath first. Rome wasn't built in a day, your house didn't get how it is overnight, and it won't get sorted instantly either.
You both work full time but you don't have children, so you shouldn't be short of time to sort it out, I think you are more short of motivation, which is understandable. Your partner probably feels the same way as you. So you need to work together. You resent him for not doing anything around the house, maybe he resents you for the same reason and feels he can't do it all so he does nothing, just like how you feel. You need to speak to each other.

I struggle.

Try my baby steps approach. During the adverts go and do something. Clear the kitchen table, pick up all the shoes., take the rubbish out. Just the one job, no pressure. My challenge is to be jumping back on the sofa in time! I can have the bathroom done during Midsomer Murders!

Or small projects like your knicker drawer, just do that. Again no pressure you are just doing your knicker drawer. Don’t get waylaid and don’t stop till it’s done.

Have you a good friend that you could ask to come over. Someone kind, non judgemental and organised. If you have someone with you working alongside you it can make the job easier. Tackle it but by bit. Decide that you are going to do one press or one drawer, don't look at the bigger picture

I’m feeling that your partner needs to step up here. You’ve said he “helps” you - does he recognise that exactly 50% of the housework belongs to him? Has he/does he ever book annual leave to have a housework day too? Has he recognised that you have been unwell and that he should be taking the reins on this issue, perhaps even take one of the team and go a bit above 50% for a while if he’s physically and mentally able to? If not, there’s your problem, you’re doing the housework and taking on the mental load of two people. Getting the house back to a baseline is as much his issue as it is yours. Hopefully he sees this and is willing to tackle this as a team with you. Hugs, because I also struggle with this too, I know how hard it is 💐