On the fence about babies

[Clocktickingg]

For context I'm in a same sex relationship so pregnancy is definitely not going to happen accidentally!

I'm turning 30 this year and ever since the New Year my brain has gone into overdrive about whether or not to have children. I feel like my dormant biological clock has suddenly gone into overdrive and it's all I can think about. I've always erred on the side of not having children: we have very little family support, both not high earners but busy jobs, worry about finance, the environment, health concerns etc. But I feel like my hormonal emotional side is entirely disregarding all the rational points and now im monumentally confused.

An added complication is that due to health reasons my DP would likely have to carry which is something I think I'd find challenging too (so would she, she's never wanted to carry particularly...) I just don't know whether that's messing up how I feel too.

DP is a couple of years younger so we have plenty of time to decide but this is occupying a large portion of my brain at the moment. Im jealous of friends with new babies, I find myself thinking about life with babies but I'm still aware of all the good reasons not to.

How are you ever supposed to be sure enough to decide either way?

Back when I had my 3 they weren’t planned or decided upon, they just happened! We just had to ride the storm of parenting and crack on with it. We had no clue how our lives would change so that was a massive shock to the system. There have been, and still are, lots of fun and joy but in equal measure there have been many many financial difficulties, emotional difficulties, illnesses, big and small problems all along the way. And none of that stops when they turn 18, the problems/difficulties/fun/finance is just different.

So I would evaluate your lives and weigh up the pros/cons of having/not having kids. Then read through the good and bad threads on MN about pregnancy/babies/parenting/teens etc as that’ll give you some idea of what people are really going through and ask yourself if you’d be prepared to face the same. The books and blogs do a great job of selling the love and joy of parenthood, but they don’t tell enough about the shitty side of it! Best of luck either way!

It is hard! I just was sure, it was like a physical need. I have always known I wanted to be a mother and pursued it. I set up my life to enable me to have career flexibility so I could be present a lot for my children.

I had a time of it, spending more than 10 years, more money than I ever want to total up and every bit of my mental reserves TTC. All totally worth it because it was definitely what I wanted and I love being a mum with every fibre of my being. I only wish I could have more.

It is very different for other people though and if you are unsure, it is a good idea to really talk to your partner about things like her carrying and see where you get to.

The hormones are not rational, basically I was a slave to mine, but I am grand with that.

Thank you both so much for your perspectives. I think the issue is that having fertility treatment is such a decisive thing to do, there's no 'let's see what happens' or dealing with it as it comes.

I live in fear of regretting it. One way or another

Tbh I think you're damned if you do and damned if you don't. You'll always wonder what it would have been like if you took the other option. I have 2 under 2 right now and I regret it A LOT of the time. But if I didn't have kids I'd also be gutted because I'd feel like I missed out on creating my own family and having that bond with someone that is like nothing else you can replicate.