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Original poster

When to stop inviting both twins

47 replies

Whowhatwherewhenwhynow · 30/01/2023 08:16

I would really like input from parents of twins about the below please?

my son has a best friend who is one of a twin. He is really just friends with the one twin and has been friends with him since preschool. Usually if we do play dates/birthday outings we invite both twins as they were young and I thought it was unfair to leave the other twin out. However the don’t play as a three really, it is very much my son and the one twin getting on.

Now they are slightly older I wonder if I need to invite both twins? They are 9 years old. As a twin parent at what age did your twins start doing things separate (eg not both going to a play date, seeing friends separately).

I don’t want to upset the other twin or make them feel left out, or make a difficult situation for the mum. However it is awkward inviting both when they don’t really all play together. Is it ok to just invite 1 twin to play at ours? Or would you still offer the invitation to both?

OP posts:

Twinmum19 · 31/01/2023 09:52

My twins are 4 and we’ve already started to have discussions about the fact one may be invited to a party (so far they’ve both been invited as they play with the same children) I wouldn’t want anyone to feel they need to invite both and really want my DC to be seen as individuals. It’s a life lesson and I think you’ve been more than kind to include both twins until now. I would just maybe mention to the mum before either giving an invite or asking infront of the child so she has the opportunity to prepare them 😊

TheAustralian · 31/01/2023 09:56

Mum of multiples

mine went to seperate kindy/ primary school and high school so never had that problem.
only invite the friend. They’re two individual people who have develop seperate interests snd tastes, respect that they have different friends

Karenaki · 31/01/2023 10:06

I have 8yr twins, boy girl so the friendships are a bit more separate. But I def worry about my son and making friends and my heart aches for him when my daughter gets an invite she doesn’t. As long as it’s far enough in advance so I can drop feed to him rather than spring it on him - either to make sure I have a play date set up for him with someone else, or time enough to get him excited about special mummy-son time. He is a bit spectrummy (have started the assessment process), so that doesn’t help in my situation….

but I guess that’s advice for the mum, not for you, sorry!

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unicornglittersprinkles · 31/01/2023 10:19

I have 6 year old twins and I actively encourage them to have separate friends. They are close and play together at home but have very different personalities and interests. They're in the same school class because they like having the other one close by but apparently don't play together much, are just the first one there if the other is hurt or upset.
Invite just the one your DS is friends with. If I was their mum I'd either spend time with the other DT (one on one time is rare and valuable) or arrange a separate playdate at the same time for the other DT

3sthemagicnumber · 31/01/2023 10:31

Teenage (b/g) twins here.

They were in a single intake school at primary, so had some friendship overlap but this lessened as they got older. I was always pleased for them to have individual invites - definitely appreciated it more for myself if I had a bit of notice so I could plan something nice for the other one, but I would always have seen it as my 'problem' to manage rather than anyone else's. And when you have twins it's always nice to get some one on one time (though also lovely to have them both happily occupied elsewhere for a bit!).

I think as you're changing the status quo, it'd be best to have a word with the mum if you can, but definitely do it.

sylv165 · 31/01/2023 10:42

I think it is ok to just invite one as it sounds like twin 2 might not even be enjoying the playdates much. But I would definitely explain to the mum first. I would phrase it along the lines of "DS and twin 1 have been getting on so well recently, they have so much in common. But I'm worried that twin 2 might be feeling a bit left out as he isn't really interested in the same things. I was thinking next time I'd just invite twin 1, but wanted to check with you first in case this would cause any issues".

2bazookas · 31/01/2023 11:39

Our twin GC started "single invites" around 7. Both with their own friends and with us their GP's. When we have "just one", both kids get a precious chance to be the centre of attention. Not having to share it. Not being treated as a pair.

Of course they also socialise together, and come to us together. We and their parents feel its very important to encourage childrens individuality (not just twins) .

Just the same as a healthy marriage relationship needs a shared life AND separate interests, activities and friends as individuals.

RoseMarigoldViolet · 31/01/2023 12:11

I think checking with the mum is good advice. I accidentally fell into this problem when my child had a party and invited all the boys in his class. One was a twin with their twin in another class. My child hardly knew the twin but apparently there was upset that the twin hadn’t been invited. The children were 10 at the time, so I learnt a lesson!

suitcaseofdreams · 31/01/2023 12:19

At 9 definitely fine to only invite the one your child is friends with. My (non ID) twin boys were in the same class for R and yr 1 so mostly got invited together - was mostly whole class parties and the 2 of them were a trio with one other lad so play dates were usually both of them with that child.
Moved schools end yr 1, went into separate classes, didn’t go anywhere together after that - totally different friendship groups and interests. Now at different secondary schools so new friends don’t even know they have a twin brother.
One twin is more extrovert and has always had more invites, but that’s life - I’ve never understood twin parents who insist on them doing everything together, you’d never do that with siblings so why do it with twins?

georgarina · 31/01/2023 12:20

I had two sets of twins in my class growing up - one set were friends together, had the same friends, and we would all play as a three and get along. One set were totally different in terms of their friends and interests and I would only play with one.

This was ages 9-12

LovelyLovelyWarmCoffee · 31/01/2023 12:43

I have twins and they are both in the same class. It is from this year (Y4) that the invitations started being for one or the other. Totally fine of course, it allows me to spend quality time with the one not invited.

SeasonFinale · 31/01/2023 12:47

My friend with twins was always delighted when a single was invited out as it gave them time to do one-to-one stuff with the other. Indeed as they got older dad had a season ticket and one child one and they took it in turns to go to match with dad or a different activity with mum.

Also she would sometimes invite someone over to play with the other for them to have "sole attention" from that friend.

Original poster

Whowhatwherewhenwhynow · 31/01/2023 13:29

Thanks for all the suggestions/experience so far. I’ll go ahead but try to do it in a kind way so they can prep the other twins as it is the other twin does have a few really good friends too so he is luckily not without his own friends.

OP posts:

Endofmytether2020 · 31/01/2023 15:25

You sound really nice and thoughtful. I'm glad you were able to get good advice on here and I hope the boys enjoy their playdates.

ZingDramaQueenOfSheeba · 31/01/2023 15:35

from all the mums & dads I've met over the years: anytime you want

I don't have twins but my kids often did have a friend with a twin so I always approached the parents about it because I had no idea about expectations.
Honestly every single one of them said to only invite the classmate, not their twin (in my kids schools twins are always in different classrooms on purpose).

My youngest, however, made a point of inviting the twin brother of his friend because he knew him well.

Ihatethenewlook · 31/01/2023 15:40

Clymene · 30/01/2023 08:22

9? Good grief. I thought you were going to say 4 or something

Same. My ds made friends with one twin in preschool. The awkward thing for me was that one twin was poorly for the first year or so and was only in around half the time, I assumed they weren’t as good friends due to all the time off. But they’re in year 1 now and he’s in all the time, my ds is still ‘best friends’ with the one twin and only plays with the one in school. I don’t feel bad at all about just inviting the twin who’s his actual friend

FelicityJendal · 31/01/2023 15:45

My friend has twins. They were always in different classes, have had different friends, but have always gone to the same parties. They're now 14 and still do.

Mabelface · 31/01/2023 16:23

Just ask the one your son is friends with. I've triplets who are very different and had a mix of individual and joint friends. They actually enjoyed when it was just one invited as it meant some space from each other.

familyissues12345 · 31/01/2023 16:54

It's tricky isn't it. My youngest has friends who were twins, but when they were little he was definitely closer to one than the other.
A couple of times I tried to invite one, hit his mum always asked if his brother could come too. It wasn't an issue, Just they didn't get on as well and it changed the dynamic a bit.
Their parents did like them to be kept together though and made a special request for them to be kept together (tutor etc) at secondary school.

As it is, DS is now best mates with them both!

applepiesandwich · 31/01/2023 18:39

My DS1 was friends with one twin at the start of high school. The mum insisted that they always do everything together. Absolutely everything. They had exactly the same hobbies, had to choose the same subjects at school (we're not in UK so different system). She was furious when my son and the twin he was friends with did a school project together which meant they did some of the work at our house - she couldn't send the other twin along as he was doing his own project with someone else at the same time. It was utterly insane! But she was batshit crazy and in the end DS stopped being friends with twin 1 as it all just got too stressful.
DS is in a different class now. They'll all be 16 soon, I wonder sometimes if the twins have rebelled yet and do their own thing now...

LadyJ2023 · 31/01/2023 19:25

Our twins are only 1 and they go out differently already and sometimes together. I dont expect both to go together every time even to family.They enjoy there one on one

StClare101 · 03/02/2023 12:28

Nine is a no brainer.

My seven year old has one twin in his class this year. Their parents (we know them) asked for the twins to be separated so they could develop their own friendships but more importantly be known as individuals.

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