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Original poster

When to stop inviting both twins

47 replies

Whowhatwherewhenwhynow · 30/01/2023 08:16

I would really like input from parents of twins about the below please?

my son has a best friend who is one of a twin. He is really just friends with the one twin and has been friends with him since preschool. Usually if we do play dates/birthday outings we invite both twins as they were young and I thought it was unfair to leave the other twin out. However the don’t play as a three really, it is very much my son and the one twin getting on.

Now they are slightly older I wonder if I need to invite both twins? They are 9 years old. As a twin parent at what age did your twins start doing things separate (eg not both going to a play date, seeing friends separately).

I don’t want to upset the other twin or make them feel left out, or make a difficult situation for the mum. However it is awkward inviting both when they don’t really all play together. Is it ok to just invite 1 twin to play at ours? Or would you still offer the invitation to both?

OP posts:
Humphplumf · 30/01/2023 08:19

Can you not talk to the mum and see what she says. I’m my experience twin mums are usually quite keen for them to establish independent friendships.
we have a couple sets of twins friends and we’ve just started having them independently. Even when we’re friends with both of them. Just to they get some 121 time with DD. The twin mum usually invites someone over to play at their house when the other is away. Then we have the other twin the following week etc

Whinge · 30/01/2023 08:19

I was going to say anytime after starting school, so 9 is more than old enough. Lots of twins go into seperate classes when they start school so may be invited to class parties without their twin.

Clymene · 30/01/2023 08:22

9? Good grief. I thought you were going to say 4 or something

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

9 year olds Families
gogohmm · 30/01/2023 08:24

Unless there's sen, it's fine. The only time I would think differently is if the other twin really struggles with friendships

ButterflyBitch · 30/01/2023 08:25

I’m a twin. Always had different friends to my sister. We only ever went to a party together if we were both friends with that child which was rare. You don’t need to invite the twin I’m sure they have their own friends.

Winniepoo · 30/01/2023 08:43

I think 9 is fine to invite one twin, under 7 can be a bit tricky but just speak to the mum. Some twins do really struggle to be apart, usually not by 9 but it's worth checking especially if both have always been invited up until now.

doglikescheeseontoast · 30/01/2023 08:55

Around the age of 4. My twins were in separate classes from reception onwards and were very much viewed and treated as 2 individuals rather than 'the twins'. Neither of them was remotely bothered by this - if one was at a party or playing at someone's house, the other got one to one time with me or their dad.

TwoLeftSocksWithHoles · 30/01/2023 09:17

I suppose there is a chance that the twin's mother may send a different twin on alternate play dates.

Would you know?

Sugargliderwombat · 30/01/2023 09:35

I had afriend who was a twin at school. I never, ever saw them together for play dates or parties.

Ticketybloop · 30/01/2023 09:51

My twins are 9 and are always very pleased to be invited by themselves for a playdate or birthday. It makes them feel independent and individual.

FrenchandSaunders · 30/01/2023 09:53

My two had different friends once they started school, they were in different classes. I never expected them to be invited everywhere together, and wouldn't have wanted that.

ChiefWiggumsBoy · 30/01/2023 09:54

As a mum of twins I’ve always encouraged separate friendships and would have never expected you to invite both of them unless they were both friends with your child.

Original poster
Whowhatwherewhenwhynow · 30/01/2023 15:35

Oh this has been so helpful, especially views from mums with twins. I’ll just invite the twin he is friends with from now on. They don’t play as a three at all and both twins are very different in personality so it does makes sense they’d have different friends.

I think was being a bit OTT about one child feeling left out but the reality is they won’t always have the same friends/relationships will they.

OP posts:
Endofmytether2020 · 30/01/2023 15:39

I would have a quick word with the mum before changing the pattern. If they've always come to your house together, the second twin may feel excluded if he's not invited. If I were the twin mum, I'd want to know about the change in pattern so that I could organise something in advance for the "spare" twin. I've always encouraged other parents to invite my DTs separately but it's a bit different if you've always done it this way and you should chat to the mum to make sure the change is successful and positive for everyone.

Original poster
Whowhatwherewhenwhynow · 30/01/2023 15:43

I’ll mention when I next invite him that she can let me know if she’s would prefer both come or something like that. She’s fairly no nonse as a mum so I’m sure she won’t mind.

OP posts:
Original poster
Whowhatwherewhenwhynow · 30/01/2023 15:43

Nonsense not nonse 🤦🏻‍♀️

OP posts:
SusanPerbCallMeSue · 30/01/2023 15:53

I would have said once they were old enough to be left on a play date without mum being there then it would have been fine to have just invited the one twin.

I've got twins (18 now!) and at primary they mainly had the same friends, so it only came up a couple of times, but I was perfectly happy to explain to them that only one had been invited to a party.

shard5 · 30/01/2023 16:04

TwoLeftSocksWithHoles · 30/01/2023 09:17

I suppose there is a chance that the twin's mother may send a different twin on alternate play dates.

Would you know?

Once you get to know a set of twins there's always something to tell them apart by!

Tescoland · 30/01/2023 16:08

Are they conjoined twins? If not, you are entitled to only invite one. It is not your responsibility to shelter the other one from the “psychological damage” from not getting an invite. He’ll survive.

EarthlyNightshade · 30/01/2023 16:08

Ask. I know a mum of twins (bit younger, they are 7) who told me she takes both her twins to places even if only one is invited. "No one is leaving out one of my girls".
Everyone else I know with twins is not like this.

Original poster
Whowhatwherewhenwhynow · 30/01/2023 17:14

EarthlyNightshade · 30/01/2023 16:08

Ask. I know a mum of twins (bit younger, they are 7) who told me she takes both her twins to places even if only one is invited. "No one is leaving out one of my girls".
Everyone else I know with twins is not like this.

Yea I don’t think this mum will be like that. However I don’t really want to ask her because really I only want to invite the one twin, because the other ends up being a spare part and last time I ended up having to play with him to give him something to do. If I ask I’m sure she’d want them both to come- I know I’d bite off the hand of anyone offering to have both my children.

so I kind of want to tell her that I’m only inviting one, but let her know that if it does cause a massive issue I will have the other twin. As it’s a play date it seem pointless to invite a child who won’t actually play the same games as the others.

OP posts:
FatGirlSwim · 30/01/2023 18:19

She might be pleased to have time with one dc?

HappyAsASandboy · 30/01/2023 20:03

It is always fine to invite just one twin. My twins were invited to different birthday parties and play dates from nursery onwards.

I think it's different if two families are friends. Then it's normal to invite all the kids along with the parents!

Sennelier1 · 31/01/2023 08:37

I have grown up with friends/twins, and they complained when seeing one of them people always asked where the other one was, as if they didn't count on their own! Their mum dressed them identically too, and they hated it! From the moment they started college they took different haircuts and dressed differently etc. 😀

NameChangex3 · 31/01/2023 09:26

I have two lots of mum friends with twins and they are both very much as @EarthlyNightshade describes.

I find it difficult sometimes as I really just want the plus 1 kid. Not plus 2. Especially with my DD's best friend. Her mum always sends the twin. But I know that twin regularly has sleep overs with her best friend with out the other (If you can follow that 😬)