Question for parents of children with ASD / ADHD

[BananaHamhock]

I am diagnosed ADHD (and suspect I have ASD). I also strongly suspect my 12yr son also has ADHD and ASD.

He makes constant outbursts shrieking, squealing, making repetitive sounds / sayings / or song lyrics. He's always saying things like 'wish you loved me', 'nobody likes me', 'I hate myself', 'I suck', 'I can't control my brain', etc. No matter how often I ask him to stop nothing ever sinks in. He will stop for 2 mins and then continue again. My husband and I are constantly telling him that we love him and asking him not to say these upsetting things.

The repetitive sounds, songs, sayings and rhythmic first / foot banging are constant all day long.

Are there any parents out there in similar situations? How do you deal with the noise? How do you get them to stop? It's driving me mad

Get yourself some loop earplugs.

He is stimming. This can be an issue in neurodivergent households when people’s sensory needs clash. Sounds like his stimming is giving you sensory overload.

You can talk to him about stims and explain that you find it overwhelming (does he know about your diagnosis?) and that he isn’t doing anything wrong but you need space from it sometimes because you need quiet. Remove yourself when it’s overwhelming, when it’s safe and possible to do so.

Find ways to meet his sensory needs (Google sensory diet for ideas) and you may be able to channel it.

You shouldn’t be trying to stop him from doing it I’m afraid. It’s a need for him and a way to regulate himself / manage sensory input.

It’s more about meeting your own sensory needs whilst letting him be himself?

Get him an electronic drum kit ut could be good for his tapping etc my son has 1

Sorry foot banging

If you believe he has adhd/asd, best thing you can do first is to get him diagnosed so he can get help?

I don't have ADHD, but the constant stimming makes me wonder if I have SPD. I really struggle

Yes. You don't need to get him to stop saying them, he's self-regulating by stimming and using echolalia. You can reassure him that you do love him and work on affirmations with him to help his self esteem if he wants to do that, but unless he's outwardly distressed then leave him be or help him find something to distract him.

My daughter, and me, are identical. My daughter has a diagnosis of ASD and almost certainly has ADHD too. I have neither diagnosis but that's due to the intricacies of the diagnostic process. Stuck in my head today has been "Whipcrack went his whippy tail!" from Tribute by Tenacious D. I cannot stop it bursting out of my mouth. I also shout my own name repeatedly.

My daughter shouts CHEESE! And repeats phrases like you say your son does, that we hate her and wish she was dead. She has a mindfulness journal which she writes in daily and we do affirmations morning and night to work on her self esteem. In terms of stimming, she can crack on. Any kind of banging, whistling, twirling, whatever she needs to do. It all helps her feel better.

She also gets unlimited screen time, as that's a huge regulater for her, as is lying in the dark under a weighted blanket. She knows what she needs. If I try and stop her, I get screamed at. A happy home is a freely autistic home.

Posted too soon!

I highly suspect DH also has ADHD so having everyone stimming in the same room at the same time is overwhelming.

I've yet to find any techniques that doesn't involve going to another room, which is different with young DC.

My son is autistic and there are a whole cluster of symptoms because at the end of the day it is a social communication disorder. However the behaviour shown by your son could possibly SPD which certainly can be one aspect of ASD. It also could be Tourette’s or ADHD. I called the repetitive questioning, noise making, bouncing up and done akin to torture. I had to learn to switch off. There are books like ‘how does my motor run’ or such like recommended by OT. Perhaps ask for a referral to OT who can get a referral to a paediatrician for diagnosis. Lots of sensory gadgets are useful eg chew toys etc, weighted jacket etc Have you got a trampoline? - that can help. Regular exercise also. The O T. can advise you on all this

Thank you for your replies. I do use regular ear plugs when I'm in the car (his noises are much louder in the car) and occasionally at home. I tried the Flare Audio ones and they did nothing for me.

I do try and stop myself from getting frustrated at him, but it's hard. 😞 My husband doesn't understand or support my ADHD diagnosis and refuses to acknowledge that my son likely has ADHD. I won't dare mention ASD to him. But the whole topic leads to arguments any time I bring it up.

I worry to bring it up with my son because I don't want him to worry that there's something wrong or different with him. I need to try and find a way of explaining ADHD and ASD to him without my husbands negative influence interfering with it and want to make sure he knows that there is really nothing 'wrong' with him.

Does anyone have any suggestions? Are there any books?

Sorry I missed reading this before I posted my last reply. What is SPD?

He's 12, so a bit too old for some of the things that you've suggested, but he does do loads of sport (he's not that great tbh and I think maybe he may have that condition that results in uncoordination. Sorry - can't remember what it's called.

Does he have control over these things / know he’s doing them? Stimming is part and parcel of ADHD / ASD for lots of people. If he can’t control them then it’s worth investigating. Tourette’s is very closely linked to ADHD and often not recognised.

Medication might help your ds? It has helped mine and the noise has reduced as he has more control.

Previously I thought he did, but I don't believe he does now no. I do say to him 'I know it's hard to stop', or 'I know you can't help it'

How does one know whether or not he actually does or doesn't have control over it?

What type of medication are you referring to? ADHD? It has helped me massively, but my husband doesn't believe in it 🙄. He's one of those people who believes that 'everyone just wants a diagnosis in their life to excuse issues that can be corrected so they can feel special'. He always bangs on about how everyone just wants to be able to label themselves these days 😑

I'm not sure what the best route to go with my son is. I would like to get him assessed but my husband is adamant that I cannot. It results in a massive row every time I bring it up. I know the NHS waitlist for a diagnosis is years long now. I wonder if it's better to pay for a private diagnosis but the thing is I will not be able to afford the medication privately, and I doubt my husband would be willing to have my son medicated even if they did diagnosis him. 😕

Medication. It's the only thing that works for us. Even my son knows this. He's 14.

Oh and your husband is a dick.

What does school say?

Sorry for the multiple posts, tired and not concentrating. Your son needs you to stand up for him. Refer him asap, do t even tell your husband and try and get someone, GP, teacher to support you in this.

SPD= sensory processing disorder

Your husband thinks diagnoses are just made up ways to feel special. Wow.
We're all different and to know and understand yourself is to be able to steer yourself through life in the smoothest possible way, remove barriers to this understanding and you reduce the impact of any difficulties you may experience along the way. That's what a diagnosis is for.
Your DH is being so misinformed to your ds's detriment. 😔

Is your husband your sons father? You just say my son rather than our son.

Not that it matters if he is or not really, he is being a shit husband to you and a shit dad to your son. I want to say I'm shocked that a parent wouldn't want to get help for their child.

I hope your son doesn't hear his shitty attitude about not believing your ADHD. I grew up with a father who had this sort attitude about me, my mum divorced him when I was 4 and he didn't even physically see us as little as every other weekend and I'm not exaggerating, but his refusal to believe I wasn't doing things on purpose is what stopped me getting help for myself until after he died.

The words he says will stay with your son if he hears them, and if you allow your dh to prevent you to seek help for your son, he may not seek help for himself if he's being raised by a man who thinks he's just seeking a label as an excuse.

It would be LTB if any man tried to not allow me to get support for my child.

Flare earplugs did nothing for me either. Loop are brilliant.

He’s not too old. My 16 year old still uses some of these sensory aids as do I

You would have to speak to him. Tics you don’t have control over although you can feel them coming usually. Stims are usually more deliberate and a way of self regulating.

Your husband is not being reasonable. I would consider it neglectful to deny a proper diagnosis and access to support and medication if needed. It is no different to denying someone medical treatment for a more physical problem. If your son had symptoms of asthma for example you wouldn’t dream of ignoring it because too many people have asthma nowadays, this is no different from doing that.

You need to advocate for your son and do what is best for him. Not having the correct diagnosis can lead to further mental health issues or self medicating down the line. It isn’t something that will go away if ignored.

How is your DS managing in school with the vocal outbursts and repetitive phrases? Have his teachers spoken with you about having him referred for assessment?

I personally think it's bordering on abuse for a parent to refuse medical assessment. Your DH is NOT helping your DS.

A few things from your post stand out.

Your son is saying a lot of negative things about himself, and your husband doesn't "believe in" adhd. Your son is probably picking up on your husbands attitude towards him and also you and anything that is your own adhd, and attributing negativity to things that are just him being himself.

I also wonder if your son is noticing he is "different" to other people and it is affecting his self esteem/ he is repeating how he feels when he compares himself to his neurotypical peers.

This is especially if you are showing frustration at his traits. Or even if you are showing frustration at your own traits in front of him.

Adhd and asd are thought to be genetic now, so if you have adhd and possibly autism, your son is more likely to have the same conditions. (I say all this as a diagnosed autistic, probably adhd, mum of 3 neurodiverse kids, and all our sensory needs clash!)

For coping mechanisms: I have noise cancelling music headphones, I shut off to the world when I need to, I put my own music on low without headphones to distract from anything noisy that sets me off/ is taking my attention and means I can't concentrate. My kids know if my headphones are on, it means I'm taking 20 mins and need space to calm my brain! I also make sure our home environment meets everyones sensory needs in different places, and try to make sure its not too cluttered as that scatters all of our brains!