Text to stop man (not romantic) texting me

[Meltedcheeses]

I recently lost my job.

A man in the industry reached out. He is well connected, married and 17 years older than me.

I was happy to give him my number and we have met a handful if times for drinks, including with his wife.

He will not stop texting me. Often 7 or 8 in a row.

About nothing.

I have left it several hours to reply. It does not deter him.

He has secured one job interview for me. For that reason and because I don't like to be unkind I do not want to fall out with him.

But this is ridiculous. I had 72 texts from him yesterday. He also pings me on social media and on email.

He wants to meet up every day (I met him on Thursday. He asked to meet again on Fri I said no. He asked again yesterday I said no. He asked again today I have not even replied).

What can I say that just says no offence but the volume of texts is overwhelming. Please allow me to focus on my job search and other activities. I am of course available should X and Y wish to speak to me about the Z project.

Really stressing me out.

Thank you! I can't invent a sudden boyfriend credibly and we've too many mutual professional connections for blocking to be a simple solution (though it might come to it).

I've said I'm busy and that we could catch up "in February".

I didn't reply to any of the things he said in his email.

I've deleted all his texts because they were so irritating but will keep anything else he sends.

If it came on this suddenly it will hopefully go this suddenly.

I do think he is autistic and struggles with interacting in ways others consider normal. I also think at heart he is very kind.

I also don't think he has romantic feelings for me but it's all not wanted or appropriate.

Oh that was exactly what I was just thinking too.

If you have friends who also know of him, can you ask them about it? Just say is he like this with everyone?

You don't have to block but you could give him a new phone number (that doesn't exist) and redirect his emails to a "special folder" with an autoredirect, so you can look at them or show them to the police when you have time.

Tomorrow is February! You need to tell him to get lost…he’ll turn up at your door next.

Update...

Spoke to someone (male) who has known this guy for 20 years. He says he too will get multiple texts a day and he replies to 1 in 6 and ignores the rest. He is adamant that this is just how this guy is.

This morning has a long, intrusive and overstepping email from the original harassing guy. Guess what he wants to go out for drinks this pm.

Shall reply very briefly. Once I get a new job I'll feel more confident in blocking him but I'm in a vulnerable place professionally and don't want to create an enemy or awkwardness.

Found him highly manipulative and intrusive talking about how I was "obviously struggling" and bullshitting about introductions he can make which we should discuss over drinks.

He sounds obsessed with you. And socially inept. It's like he considers you his new best friend and for some reason is feeling entitled to your time. With what your other acquaintance said, it's an ingrained behaviour that you've no hope of changing. I can't see any way to deal with it other than blocking him across all platforms. If he does have your address (or that of your new workplace) and shows up at your door I'd not answer, he'd see it as encouragement that you're fine with him showing up. If it happens more than once I'd call the police. It's probably the only thing that would get through his thick skin and make him realise this behaviour has to stop. I knew someone who stalked someone else. It's scary how justified and normal they think their behaviour is.

I do think he is autistic and struggles with interacting in ways others consider normal. I also think at heart he is very kind.

Then be blunt and direct with him as he won't understand mixed messages.

It sounds like he has an obsession/fixation with you, obsessions are also common with people who are on the spectrum. You need to be very clear that you do not want him to text you, and consider informing the police if the harassment continues.

I've researched autism and it has shed perspective on this.

He specifically has told me he wasn't autistic hence I probably didn't give enough weight to this.

I think he is.

His behaviour and feelings match a lot of what I've read.

I'm going to maintain my boundaries and need for space with being as kind as possible having learned the vulnerability and sense of rejection he may feel as well as a genuine difficulty in reading people's comfort levels.

He is not your responsibility and your being kind will only fuel his belief that his behaviour is acceptable.

You need to take a stronger stance with this man and tell him straight that he has completely overstepped the mark and whilst his initial help was appreciated he is now intimidating you and you will be blocking him as you do not want any further communication from him.

By letting him get away with this he will do the same to others and some women may give in to his demands and be overwhelmed.

A 60 something bloke with this kind of behaviour and communication style is not going to help you get a job. I understand - I work in a very small industry where relationships and networks are crucial but I would have no compunction in blocking anyone like this and not worry about the impact on my career.

It was your CV that got you the interview - not him.

Block him. You don't owe this creepy stalker anything.

Thanks @Tamarindtree . I'm not responsible for other women either.

He's backed off hugely this week. I don't see an issue with being kind and firm. Nor do I see blocking as in anyone's interest including mine...we are involved in a joint project which would become impossible to complete.

@FKATondelayo thanks. Actually you are right...his social skills are very poor and his reputation rests on a technical skill he has. He's not really someone I would WANT recommending me.

I am working to extricate myself. From what I've read blocking could be very distressing to him and he is kind just very very very full on!

Do you have contact with his wife if you met her before? Could you say something to her?

I would use your previous reply as a starting point to address the emails…

Hi Dave. After you sent me 72 texts in one day, I told you that it was excessive and that I would consider 2 to 4 messages from close friends to be appropriate. We are acquaintances who work in a similar network and so a lesser amount of contact would be appropriate between us. You took on board my instructions to text me a lot less and please continue to follow this. To be absolutely clear that instruction applies to other forms of communication. You do have a habit of messaging too frequently and it could reflect badly on you so you might want to consider whether this is something you need to change overall. Thanks for the advice you gave me that was relevant, but I wish to progress my search for my next career move independently now and won’t require any further meetings with you. All the best with your endeavours.”

His wife is diagnosed as autistic. She barely could make eye contact or reply to simple questions and I was told that she would be like this for several meetings.

I don't have contact details for her. Nor is she really responsible for him.

I made it clear yesterday I was very busy....if he respects this then problem solved. He has gone from 20-30 texts a day to none...so he has paid attention.

I posted before seeing that you work on a project together, so you could change it to say…

aside from any essential updates about work for the project.

Do you have a project manager or similar that you could confide in and share that Dave is contacting people outside of the workplace inappropriately?

Thanks @Rainbowshine . Dave and I are each independent contractors delivering to a client. The opportunity came through Dave so I couldn't complain to the client about him. Also the client has known him for 20 years and me for 5 minutes!

The project will hopefully be completed or shelved soon.

If I could get a job then all of this problem would go away....!!!!!!!

Oh gosh I've just had a similar experience and maybe engineered a spat to stop all the messages. Free at last! You will be too OP...one day. The relief is palpable.

Thanks @TreehousePine. He just emailed again (first contact since Friday). I have deleted it as it's all totally unnecessary.

Hopefully it can just sort of fizzle out and he'll find someone else to obsess over.