DD 16 doesn't want contact with her dad, but still wants to see siblings. WWYD?

[NCofcourse]

Hi,

I really don't know what to do. DD has always had a very tricky relationship with her dad, who she relates to less and less, the older she gets.

Basically, he can be a dick. A grade A dick. Very loud, misogynistic, aggressive, argumentative and generally very difficult to be around. We broke up a decade a go.

The older DD gets the more she dislikes him. He has young DC with his new partner and she really loves them. She feels very protective of them and worries about how they are all the time.

Tonight she told me that if it weren't for her siblings, she wouldn't want to see him anymore. I didn't know what to say.

He makes her feel very uncomfortable and on edge. She said the last time she saw him that he was clearly just trying to get the weekend out the way and I knew exactly what she means. He dropped her off the earliest he could have done, as always. I know he loves her, but it's not enough. He just makes her feel bad and now she has this added feeling of guilt for her siblings, which she shouldn't have.

I honestly don't know what to do. I wish she could just walk away tbh.

Please, any advice would be really appreciated.

Thank you.

Tricky one, not sure I have all the answers but perhaps this will bump you up a bit and someone more wise will come along!

16 is a real difficult age for children in separated/blended families, it's totally normal for them to be pulling away from their parents to some extent anyway, in a few years she'll be off to uni or college or work and so in the late teen years they do want to find their own independence - plus even if their parents are absolute saints teenagers do tend to find spending any length of time with them absolutely excruciatingly annoying . And that's before you add new relationship dynamics and the needs of younger children/children of a second marriage/step siblings into the mix. Plus of course it's a time of life where their other commitments, school work/exams, hobbies, socialising, boy/girlfriends and so on increase massively. So I do think the standard pattern of spending alternating whole weekends with the non resident parent can often start to break down a bit, and the ideal is probably to move towards a more flexible arrangement where they move between either house at will depending on what else is going on for them, perhaps having dinner at dads on a weekday or dropping in for tea in the afternoon of a weekend in and around their other plans rather than it being rigidly that they get dropped off on a Friday and brought back on a Sunday - of course that relies on a certain amount of flexibility on both parents side and it also helps if they are more mobile/self reliant and can get themselves around to some extent - does your DD rely on lifts to go to/from her dads? If it's far away from her friends and hobbies and being at dads makes it harder for her to do her own thing then that will probably be adding to her feeling of not wanting to be there.

While I wouldn't be encouraging a 16 year old to cut off all ties or anything I also think they are old enough and mature enough at that age to have a say and if the current arrangements aren't working for her I would try and show her I've listened to that and support her to try something new. If Dad is a bit ambivalent on having her there anyway maybe the answer is to gradually cut back on her visits without making a big drama and argument over it, she can just casually text him to say 'oh dad I'm going to a friend's house/activity/study day/insert as appropriate next Friday so I thought I'd come over Saturday afternoon instead' and see how it goes?

How is her relationship with Dad's new partner? I think you do need to be gently but firmly quashing the idea she has that she's somehow responsible for her siblings, they have a mum too whose job it is to look after them and like I say in a few years there's every chance she won't be around as much anymore. It's wonderful she cares so much about them but she can't let that stop her living her own life too. Is there a chance if she gets on well with step-mum that she could sometimes spend some time with siblings outside the house, meet up with them at the park or other child friendly activity perhaps?