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Original poster

What to say to disappointed DD about not winning dance competition?

19 replies

MrsJaneyLloydFoxe · 28/01/2023 16:51

DD (5) took part in her first ballet competition today. There were 9 girls in the group and she didn’t place 1/2/3... she was devastated!! I was totally blindsided as I didn’t realise she cared so much and thought it was all just fun.

She loved the costume, hair etc and didn’t seem interested in the competition aspect. We’ve had tears all day and I feel dreadful not knowing what to say... I’ve stressed how proud we are of her and how she should be so proud of herself for dancing up on the big stage etc etc.

She danced beautifully and technically very good, and her teacher afterwards said she was surprised she didn’t place but these things happen. I totally agree and always thought judging was quite subjective anyway? Exams a different matter I suppose?

Would appreciate any words of wisdom or different ideas to put to DD. She is so sad and says she never wants to dance again (!!!) and I just want to calm her down.

OP posts:

LolaSmiles · 28/01/2023 16:53

Acknowledge that she's disappointed and frustrated, tell her those feelings are normal and ok, and you're there for her if she wants to talk about it. Then get on with your day as normal.

It's ok for her to learn how to deal with disappointment without adults making a big deal of it.

Original poster

MrsJaneyLloydFoxe · 28/01/2023 16:59

Should have added - would appreciate any responses from parents who’ve experienced similar with a hobby with a competition element

OP posts:

piedbeauty · 28/01/2023 17:11

She's five!!

Don't make a big deal of it. Ask her what she enjoyed about the day, make it a positive. Then move on.

Interested in this thread?

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5 year olds

MintJulia · 28/01/2023 17:15

Tell her she did very well and her teacher was pleased with her, then move on.

SmileWithADimple · 28/01/2023 17:15

This is a great opportunity for her to learn resilience. Keep telling her it's okay to be disappointed, but she can't expect to win every time. Tell her she did really well and you're so proud of her, but that the other girls also did really well and worked hard for it too.

WhiskersPete · 28/01/2023 17:15

There is a great lesson in resilience here which she will need if she wants to be a success in any field.

Failure is part of the journey and how she bounces back from this will determine her future. Maybe she will train harder for the next competition!

What distinguishes very successful people from others is not only their skill but also their approach to failure. They embrace challenge.

Besides, I bet Darcey Bussell didn't win every competition she entered.

ReallyShouldBeDoingSomethingElse · 28/01/2023 17:16

I'd be wondering why a dance school/teacher would think competition at such a young age is a good idea.

I teach in the Arts and at this age absolute key to everything is building confidence and enjoyment of it.

But to answer your question I'd remind her how much she enjoyed the preparation for the event and the dancing itself. The awards were a really small part of the whole event so focus on the bits that everyone did, the effort made and that you and the teacher saw that she danced beautifully.

ReamsOfCheese · 28/01/2023 17:16

Jesus why are they being ranked in competition at that age? I can't think of anything more pointless/awful/soul destroying. I thought early dance classes nowadays were all about having fun/learning basic moves.

OneFrenchEgg · 28/01/2023 17:17

Six didn't place three did - I'd just tell mine they can't win everything and maybe the judges liked the music the other kids chose best. But mine had to get used to it as they wanted to act so had rejection from an early age.

toastofthetown · 28/01/2023 17:24

How To Talks So Kids Will Listen has a great piece on how to talk about feelings with kids on the the bit of their book available on Google (on page 5). But basically just listen to how she says she's feeling, validate her emotions and name them for her is she's still learning difference between emotions. If she's saying she doesn't want to dance again, if you just say 'I know you're so disappointed about not placing today. You really wanted a medal' might help her feel more understood than advice or overruling her feelings with yours or distraction. Something like telling her it doesn't matter and there's always next time isn't helpful to her if she wanted to win this competition. The fact that you are proud of her and think she did well doesn't negate her own disappointment and being told she should feel proud of herself might be making her feel worse as not only is she disappointed, she's also being told she's feeling the wrong way about it. If you reframe it as (though it's hard) you can't make her calm down, you can only help her through her emotions which might help her with other disappointments in the future.

larchforest · 28/01/2023 17:33

Tell her that there are lots of lovely chocolates in the box, but the judge could only pick three.

Zosime · 28/01/2023 18:01

How is she with winning and losing generally, such as when you play card games or board games at home, or at party games? There'll be lots of times growing up when she doesn't 'win', or things don't go her way. It's important to learn how to handle disappointment. Playing lots of games helps to develop resilience.

Original poster

MrsJaneyLloydFoxe · 28/01/2023 19:48

Thank you, some lovely tips here. Will try and reframe it as I think the whole thing was exciting and fun for her, she just sort of crumbled when she realised she didn’t get a prize.
I just hope it doesn’t put her off as she has a ball at her lessons and rehearsals.

OP posts:

Ozgirl75 · 28/01/2023 20:08

I have a competitive child who plays tennis. The things we’ve said have changed over time. When he was 5/6 we would say “yes it’s disappointing to lose but everyone is trying their best so you won’t always win”, but emphasis that there are plenty more opportunities for playing and having fun. As time went on, we’d get him to try to start to analyse why he had lost (at a basic level) Also we used Ash Barry’s saying “you’re either winning or you’re learning”.
So I would focus on how much she enjoys dancing, how competition is only one part of it and then if she likes the competitive side of it, then it’s a good opportunity to cultivate the growth mindset of always learning and calmly analysing what you did well and what you did badly and what you can do to improve.

MrsPnut · 28/01/2023 20:18

This does the rounds regularly in the rugby groups but it’s true of so many sports and hobbies.

FROM A RUGBY PARENT:
One of my friends asked "Why do you pay so much money and spend so much time running around for your child to play rugby?" Well I have a confession to make: I don't pay for my child's rugby training or kit, mouthguard or boots. Or even hundreds of rugby balls.
So, if I am not paying for rugby, what am I paying for?

I pay for those moments when my child

becomes so tired they feel like quitting but don't.

I pay for the opportunity that my child can have and will have to make life-long friendships.

I pay for the chance that they may have amazing coaches that will teach them that rugby is not just about game plans but about life.
I pay for my child to learn to be disciplined.

I pay for my child to learn to take care of their body.

I pay for my child to learn to work with others and to be a proud, supportive, kind and respectful team member.
I pay for my child to learn to deal with disappointment, when they don't get that try they hoped for, or dropped the ball despite having practiced a thousand times, but still gets up and is determined to do their BEST next time...
I pay for my child to learn to make and accomplish goals.

I pay for my child to learn that it takes hours and hours and hours and hours of hard work and practice to create a champion, and that success does not happen overnight.

I pay so that my child can be on the pitch instead of in front of a screen...

I could go on but, to be short, I don't pay for rugby; I pay for the opportunities that rugby provides my child to develop attributes that will serve them well throughout their life, and give them the opportunity to bless the lives of others. From what I have seen for many years, I think it is a great investment!

My daughter has played rugby for 14 years and Roller Derby for 5. She’s made the GB Roller Derby squad for this year’s World Cup and the skills needed to pick yourself up after a bad game or competition are not easy to learn and especially when you are 5.
Tell her that she did her best and how well she pointed her toes etc. Talk about how she can talk to her teacher if she wants to. There is always another chance.

Bluevelvetsofa · 28/01/2023 20:36

Mine used to do gymnastics at that age and never won anything. It’s good to compete and it’s good to learn, but not everyone can be top three. If she enjoyed taking part, that’s important too.

MargaretThursday · 28/01/2023 21:25

Mine didn't do dance competitions, but they did gym at that age and I always felt for those who didn't place (whether they were mine or not!) because it's a tough lesson .

I remember one particular one where only one under 5 boy didn't place (9 medals because 3 disciplines) and he was just confused by it. I could hear him asking "when's my turn to stand on the box?" I did feel in that case they should have given him something as he was the only one and so diddy, but I'm not sure anyone realised until the prizegiving that he was the only one from that class as there were different judges on the different disciplines, and they handed the list to the person to read out separately.

I would just not say too much, and then assume she'll happily go to her next lesson. You've said you were proud of her for doing it, and she needed to hear that, but leave it for now.
I used to find a hot chocolate/small cake at a café afterwards often was a good consolation prize which gave them time to cheer up before getting home.

Bunnycat101 · 28/01/2023 22:29

5 is very young. I’m surprised your dance school has them competing in ballet at that age tbh- that seems a really tough thing for little ones. I don’t think you can expect them to really get it for a good few years yet. I don’t think it’s a bad lesson to learn when they’re older (same re exams and having to work for something) but she’s still so little it’s no surprise she’s struggling with her emotions.

HufflepuffRavenclaw · 28/01/2023 22:37

ReamsOfCheese · 28/01/2023 17:16

Exactly this. My daughter is older now but did dancing from about age 4 to 16. No competitions. Just the annual end of year show and there were optional grade exams which she started doing at about age 11 because she said she wanted to. Dance for little ones should be ALL about fun and healthy exercise, not competition and failure or success. Find another class.

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