I don’t know what I want here but I feel like I just need to put how I’m feeling into the universe somewhere
im 30 something and I was abused as a child, physically and emotionally and whilst the physicality was bad (scratched, kicked with steel toe boots, dragged around by hair, punched, finger, broken etc) it’s the emotional abuse that’s literally fucked over the rest of my life.
it took nearly 15 years of being away from my abusers (mother and brother) for me to realise that I was actually abused, it wasn’t appropriate punishment for being a ‘bad teen’. My abuse was during my teen years again, I thought only young children could be abused. I was never ever my whole life taken to the dentist, so now I have huge teeth problems, killer to the self esteem, I developed depression so neglected self care, was constantly taunted about my size and weight, developed anorexia twice. When it got too much for her, I was beaten into eating. I’d often after showering (I was allowed once a week) if I used the wrong towel, used too much soap, I’d get my towel pulled off me and my mother and brother would whip me with it saying dance fatty dance, whilst I was trying to cover myself with my hands and get to my room. I had no door to my bedroom, my things would be riffled through, money from my job stolen (brother), I wasn’t allowed friends. Had to ask permission for basic things, no now even as an adult I really struggle, this manifests at work with a lot of panic and second guessing myself, terrified to make a mistake (I hide it well) but it hinders my career so I’m not as successful as I could be. she’d audibly pray that I’d die of cancer, blamed me for the death of relatives, so now I have terrible health anxiety. Told how ugly I was and any man that would want to shag me would shag an animal (I was 14) that I didn’t deserve love. Bounced from one abusive relationship to the next. Chose people for friends who are similarly quite narcissistic and uncaring because it’s all I’ve ever known. There’s a million more ways it still effects me most of which I probably don’t even know.
but it just hit me today, it literally destroys your whole life. I just had to get my thoughts out of my head