Turning 30 this year and feeling behind in life!

[UrbanMan27]

Hi all,

Me and my girlfriend are turning 30 this year and are starting to feel behind in life.

We feel behind because people around are age are getting engaged, married or are having children.

We feel like we can't get married or have children because are jobs are low paid (take home £3000 a month both.) and it's stopping us from doing these things. Plus we can only afford a 1 bedroom home and that's also stopping us from having children.

We just feel like why it can't be us.

Does anyone else feel like this with feeling behind and how would you go about it?

The first thing would probably be jobs as that seems to be the thing stopping everything else progressing.
Can you study in the evenings to get more qualified and hopefully a better paid job? Have you looked for promotions?

We feel like we can't get married or have children because are jobs are low paid (take home £3000 a month both.) and it's stopping us from doing these things

OK. Perhaps get some therapy to understand why you feel a net income of £ 72k a year stops you doing things you want to do.

3k a month! Am I missing something here? That’s lots! Are you in the south east?

I took the “both” to mean combined. 36k net PA for the household is rather low assuming they both work full time.

£ 3,000 a month. Each.

For 2 adults aged 29 with no children so presumably working full time?

Fair point, I took that to mean £ 3k each the way it was worded.

Hopefully they will come back and confirm 😂

Even a combined 3k a month is lots though! They must be in the south east so it doesn’t go far, that’s the only thing I can think of.

how much do your friends earn roughly do you think? If it’s the same as you they’re making sacrifices you sound unwilling to make too.

Big difference between £3k each and £3k combined

if the latter then OP your priority should be to upskill and better paid jobs. This could take a while though, likely years.

I do have sympathy though as it’s very difficult to live comfortably these days unless your salary is very high

but fwiw OP 30 is still young. I was 33 getting married, 34 when we managed to afford a proper house and 36/38 when I had kids. Which is fairly normal in my circles.

I can't do Evening courses at college because I'm tend to be doing 12 hour shifts at work, starting at 6am most days and yes I have been looking for promotions, but they don't pay much more only just a few pence more.

Big difference between £3k each and £3k combined

Yeah, it's not clear at all about what the household income is so that skews what people can advise.

£3k a month combined I meant and yes we live in the South East

In that case I apologise for the original post in which I assumed you had £ 6k a month to play with.

Most of the people we know are on £50k a year combined. But they have family with wealthy backgrounds.

Most of the people we know are on £50k a year combined. But they have family with wealthy backgrounds

Well, all I can advise is that you stop don't compare your situation with people who have wealthy backgrounds but address the situation you're actually in, because you are never going to be on a level playing field with someone who has a family who can help them out. Presumably your family can't do the same.

You need an action plan. What do you want by when and what steps do you need to take to address it. What's the first thing - a better paying job for you both so you can accrue savings and get a mortgage?

Doesn’t matter what their parents do. 50k combined isn’t down to wealthy parents.

have you looked at new job? 12 hour shifts for what is presumably not much more than minimum wage doesn’t sound feasible for what you want long term.

I don’t understand whats stopping you from getting engaged and married, or skip the ‘engagement’ and just get married

OP, you're making the mistake of thinking that you need to also be doing what other's around you are doing

You don't have to get married, you don't have to have children, you don't have to own a house

Stop comparing yourselves's to other people. You will never be happy

You do things that you want to do, not because other's are also doing them and you feel that you should be too

We just feel like why it can't be us

Sit down and make a list of what you think is holding you back from what you want. Pick one and address it. Then pick another one and address it. It seems to me - sorry to say this - that you want everything all at once. Engagement, marriage, house, baby. Those are expensive wants, and you're saying to yourself 'it's not fair we can't have them' without any concrete plan of how to get them.

What chinny421 said.

Marriage and children are no guarantee of happiness (just look at the threads on MN).

At 30 I was single and very happy. Probably the most content I've ever been.
I had good friends that I had the time to spend with. I liked my job and it was well paid. I liked where I lived. I had the freedom to change things if I didn't like them.

A lot of that went when I had a partner, mortgage and child. Not to say I regret it - it's not worse or better. Just different.

Financial security is in my view the key. I'd focus on how you can improve that first.

I think it's quite normal when you're approaching 30 to get "the panic" that should should have your life together.
But in reality there is no set timeline to when you should be engaged/married/have children.
I like a PP post about concentrating on one goal at a time.
But also make sure to set goals that you both really want and not things you feel you should be doing just because everyone else has.
And I know it sounds super cheesy but it helps to concentrate on the things you do have:
A loving partner
A roof over your head
A steady income

At 30 I was single, living alone in a rented flat, travelling a lot and working. At 38, I'm married with 2 kids and own my house. My 30s has been the decade where my biggest life changes have happened. Don't put pressure on yourself about your age and where you think you 'should be'. Most of my friends were married with kids in their early/mid 20s. My time came a little later.

What do you do for a living?
Weddings don't have to cost a lot

Aged 30 I was single, living in a tiny one bed flat which took up most of my income, just been dumped and travelling every weekend to see frail elderly parents.

You can do lots of courses online now so I think you need to open up your opportunities with other qualifications.
Look at Coursera or Reed or Alison.