Child going off rails at preschool

[BergamotMouse]

DS is 4 and a nice boy. But he's becoming increasingly badly behaved at preschool.
Obviously I'm not there so I don't see what's happening.

The problem is that preschool policy means they don't seem to be able to do anything to help get him back on the right track. They are not allowed to discipline or reward. So I don't know how to help. He's quite well behaved at home because he knows we will follow through on what we say E.g. 'oh, you're not tidying up, then we will not go out until you do!'

But all he gets at preschool is a mild eyebrow raise and gets away with it. I very much get the impression that the room staff wish they had more tools up their sleeves that they would be allowed to use. Like, if he hurts a friend I see nothing wrong with removing him from the activity and making him sit out. Instead I think it's just a gentle 'oh dear, I don't think X likes that'

So what can I do. Either at home to encourage good behaviour at preschool or to discuss with the preschool manager.

I don't want him to start school in September after 9 months of getting away with everything!

Share your strategies with the pre school, tell them it would be good if you are all in the same page. Make it clear he has consequences at home.

Different settings seem to have different approaches to behaviour management. I worked in a school nursery class where we definitely used time out, or missing out on an activity, if a child was deliberately repeatedly misbehaving, or being aggressive.

Currently I do supply in a pre school where there appear to be no consequences or any kind of behaviour management at all! I’m not planning to work there much longer …..

Not allowed to discipline or reward? Are you happy with him in an environment where he gets to run amok without generating more than a raised eyebrow??
I wouldn't be. It sounds like Lord of the Flies.

I have never heard of a pre-school not allowed to discipline or reward?! By discipline obviously something like time out, missing out on a fun activity etc. Rewarding the good behaviour is the way forward here. I would ask to speak with your childs keyworker and make sure you are both on the same page. I agree that allowing this behaviour to continue will not serve him well by the time he gets to school.

Pre-school should be observing him to see what happens immediately before the unwanted behaviour to see if there are any triggers and then working from there. Sometimes there can be certain other influences other children with unwanted behaviour that your DS may be copying. Maybe changing his days if possible could eliminate this. Worth speaking to them to try and find a way forward.

That’s very weak of the preschool. If your child is testing boundaries then they need to give him consequences. I’d ask for a meeting with the manager, say that their lack of discipline is failing your son encouraging him to be naughty and are they going to update their policy to make it effective and give him negative consequences for bad behaviour, or are you going to have to find a different preschool?

We actually left a school because their idea of disciplining bullies was to say “They don’t like that” to which a bully thinks “yeah I know that’s why I’m doing it.”

He is only four. It must be confusing for him to get away with things he doesn't get away with at home. They do seem a bit clueless if no reward or punishment allowed.,maybe you should look at changing his pre school. But ask for a meeting first.

I think it's new management. We have been very happy up to the point and have used the nursery for over 5 years over both children.
I think he would respond well to clear expectations and consequences. I think a week of that would totally turn it around.

I didn't know if this was just how things were nowadays. Doesn't look like it though.

I can't change his days and quite difficult to change setting as not many other providers in the area. They are great at being flexible and are good about illness and don't send them home for minor sniffles which is a big plus for us.

This. I would move him. How do they except to run a preschool with no consequences or rewards? Sounds ridiculous to me.

You need to make an appointment and have a very frank honest conversation. Spell it out to them, and find out why they have adopted this new approach, and ask for the evidence it’s based on. Either way it’s obviously not working for your ds.

I'll see how next week goes and if no improvement I'll arrange a meeting.

Glad to know it's not just me that's flabbergasted by the lack of consequences for poor behaviour.

They look at me to improve his behaviour at nursery, but he's well behaved at home so it's a case of what can I do!!?

I work at a preschool. We have children joining us sometimes from other settings and we're just 🙄 with the behavior they think they can get away with.

This sounds like it could be 2 things:

• A lack of boundaries at preschool
• Boredom
• Any other life changes (eg. Going to another setting, issues with parents/ illness in family etc).

I would ask for a meeting to discuss this. Boundaries can and should be enforced. In our preschool it would be sitting out of an activity if warned of a behavior but it continues, being last to choose something or have a go at something new if not listening, not being chosen to do something at circle time if not listening, correction on any violence in best Stern voice (eventually time out if it's very repetitive in one day). Positive reinforcement can be stickers, praise, responsibility, treats, star charts.

However, kids can act up if they're bored and at this age it can be tricky in a setting with just turned 2 year olds. We encourage our older ones to sit down and do a more challenging adult-led activity if they're getting a bit boisterous. Ask what their staff ratios are. Are there enough staff to keep him stimulated? Has he been there since he was 2? We often get more challenging behavior in the summer term as they are just so ready for school and getting a bit tired of the toys and activities we offer - but 2 more terms is a long way to go and I can only see it being worse if boredom is an issue.

I do think it is partly due to boredom to be honest. He's been there since he was 3, is on his 3rd run through of the simple letters in the jolly phonics scheme yet he can read pretty well. That must be boring for him.

I've asked if he could perhaps read with someone (I've said I'll send books and have!) but this doesn't seem to be happening.

I mean, he's reading words like 'difficult' yet is learning the sound for 'b'.

The preschool my kids have gone to takes a very loose approach to discipline. Their approach actually works amazingly well for some kids (including two of mine) but really badly for other kids (including the other one of mine).

Anyway. I was really worried about school because he’d been so feral at the preschool but his behaviour at school has been brilliant. I expect if your DS is well behaved at home because he knows there are firm boundaries in place then he will be the same at school.