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Original poster

A couple more questions about therapy

10 replies

Fightingitoff · 26/01/2023 17:30

I had a therapist for about four years, I really liked her and found it very helpful, it went online in March 2020 and then I finished a few months later because I'd run out of things to say.

I started again two weeks ago and now she's online only, as I mentioned in my other thread. It worked fine in 2020 as she already knew me, but a few people in my other thread said they didn't think it was great to be online when starting again. The thing is it look me a long time for her to get to know me and it would take a long, long time to get to that stage with someone else.

I have two questions:

Firstly, is it normal to have a great working relationship with a therapist the first time, and then you stop for a while, and if you go back a second time it somehow doesn't feel the same? I've returned because of a new issue in my life that started, and I've only had two sessions so far, but it does feel different somehow. I returned to the same person as I liked her last time and it feels odd that it doesn't feel the same, although as people mentioned it may be to do with being online issues.

Secondly, I know therapists try to present themselves as a blank slate, but I sometimes get the feeling that she doesn't know about much stuff, or issues in the world if you see what I mean. Sometimes I'll mention an issue that's discussed in the media, or an article I read about something, and she'll act like she's never heard of this before. I realise not everyone can know about everything that's going on in the world, but I can never quite tell if she's deliberately being a blank slate so that I can explain things to her out loud, or if she really doesn't know about this stuff. For example, issues to do with people looking at adult websites, I mentioned some things about not knowing if people were being abused, or the fact that you never fully know if someone in a film has really consented or not, and she asked me questions about this as if it was a new thing she'd never heard of before. I just don't know if this deliberate. I'm sure a therapist would have several clients talking about this stuff as it can cause relationship problems but she seems to act like everything's new to her, and I never know if this is a deliberate act on her part, or genuinely not knowing about it. I'd like to think I'm talking to someone who's clued up about the world but it means different things to different people.

OP posts:
Sucessinthenewyear · 26/01/2023 17:45

4 years is a very long time for therapy.

What issues are you seeing her about?

Original poster
Fightingitoff · 26/01/2023 17:48

About a new issue that has come up in my life since last time. I don't want to discuss it here. I was just asking if it's normal for therapists to seem like they don't know about certain things.

OP posts:
FiveNineFive · 26/01/2023 18:01

Sometimes therapists will ask you questions about stuff to help you clarify what you think/feel about it.

JamJarJane · 26/01/2023 18:02

From experience, I'd say returning to the same therapist can definitely feel different. They change, you change, the presenting issue changes. Also I think the first 'round' of therapy is often the most powerful in terms of the changes it brings about. Not necessarily a problem IMO.

The second issue you mention seems more concerning. I'd be seriously concerned about a therapist who doesn't seem to have an understanding of societal issues. If it's a psychoanalytic therapy I guess it's possible that it's a deliberate strategy, but personally I don't think it's therapeutic or the best use of your time (and therefore money) to have to explain basic stuff from scratch, and it would make me worry that she doesn't 'get it'. I'd be asking her.

Original poster
Fightingitoff · 26/01/2023 19:08

Yeah it's hard to know. I want ask her, do you know about...? and I just don't know.

OP posts:
Jellycatspyjamas · 26/01/2023 19:44

I realise not everyone can know about everything that's going on in the world, but I can never quite tell if she's deliberately being a blank slate so that I can explain things to her out loud, or if she really doesn't know about this stuff.

Ask her, I wouldn’t expect her to share her views and opinions on this with you but if you’re not sure she knows what you mean ask her if it’s something she’s aware of. Her role is to help you understand yourself better, so she’ll work towards clarification rather than confirmation of your thoughts but if you really think she has no frame of reference about what you’re bringing I’d just ask.

Felicity42 · 26/01/2023 19:51

So is it she's saying to you 'what do you mean adult websites, what are they?'

Or is she saying 'I hear you asking me if I think those people are victims of abuse, and I wonder what's important in that question for you?' or some such...

If it's the second one, then yes, therapists don't give their own opinions, and they will try to reflect back in that way.

Original poster
Fightingitoff · 26/01/2023 22:48

It’s more that she gives me a blank look when I explain something, as if to say, what on Earth are you talking about?

OP posts:
LaurieFairyCake · 26/01/2023 22:55

I'm a therapist and even if I 'know' about something it makes not a jot of difference as I don't know what YOU know or think about it

I have a client who's very pro-Putin so when she started to talk about the war in Ukraine I made no assumptions about what she might do or say (I didn't know at the time she was pro-Putin)

Gymnopedie · 27/01/2023 01:55

A couple of things occur to me. Your previous thread was about the lack of privacy you feel for these sessions. You said that there were things you wanted to discuss but couldn't because you didn't want to run the risk of DH overhearing. That means that you are feeling inhibited and monitoring and censoring what you talk about. If you are therefore not being as open and honest as you were in your previous sessions it will feel very different to you, and that may not be down to the therapist. If you are holding things back, then what she's saying to you as she reflects back isn't actually dealing with the real issue, it's skirting round the edge and that can lead you to think it's not as helpful - and it isn't. You have to be totally honest for therapy to be successful.

The second thing relates to her 'blank looks', and may or may not be tied in with my first point. Does she know what you're talking about but is trying not to engage with it because she feels that you are using those points to deflect from the real problems? The topic of consent in porn may well be a valid consideration for both women and men, but is it relevant in terms of the reasons you're attending therapy? Perhaps she sees that you are trying to avoid getting to the heart of your issues by initiating abstract or academic ideas. On that she may be right, but it's perhaps not the best way of tackling it.

For a number of reasons, she's online only, your lack of ability to talk in private, this is going to be a different experience form the first time. If you can implement one of the suggestions for achieving privacy from your previous thread you may find that it starts to come together again.

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