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Original poster

How old for sleepovers?

43 replies

ilkleymoorbartat · 26/01/2023 15:35

What age did your kids first have sleepovers at friends?

I'm not massively into the idea generally, but my son (8) is in cubs and it's been suggested he has a sleepover at a friends in preparation for cubs camps. I see the logic, but wondering if he's still a bit young still.

OP posts:
reluctantbrit · 27/01/2023 08:36

DD was just 4 but it was at a friend's house where she often played with her friend, knew the parents and the house and stayed on her own when we needed emergency care for a day.

She had a sleepover at school in Y4, she was 8.
She went with the Brownies to a mass museum-sleepover when she was 9, time of her life.

@ilkleymoorbartat She is now an Explorer Scout (15) and thoroughly enjoys the camps. Our packs take the older Beavers first for a night, joining a cub camp. Unless it's a dedicated parent-scout camp, they normally don't take lots of parents outside dedicated jobs like van driver, quartermaster etc. And then the parents are not sleeping or interacting with the Scouts a lot. DH is a Scout shooting instructor and went with them to a shooting competition. DD's leader clearly said: he is not here as your dad, he is a associated person you treat like any other leader and he treats you like any other of the Scouts. Apart from joking at mealtimes, there was no interaction.

Myeyeballsareonfire · 27/01/2023 08:44

@Flatandhappy I’m interested in hearing even a very small bit of your experiences if you are able please?

My children have never slept over anywhere and I have no intention of allowing it, but sometimes I feel like I need confirmation of my choices, as lots of people look at me like I’m bonkers!

We also won’t allow sleepovers here I don’t think. It might not seem fair, but it leaves us open to accusations too.

One of our (male) friends who is a police officer doesn’t allow his children’s friends over if it’s only him at home (children are 6 and under), and I do think it’s quite sensible.

smoosandsmed · 27/01/2023 09:29

I still stand by my reasonings. I am a social worker and you'd be surprised what can happen at sleepovers. It's not just 'abuse' that I am cautious of. These children are all so young that you are all mentioning. There's all sorts that can happen in other peoples houses without you knowing.

I was shown hardcore porn by someone at their house once- they thought it was 'funny' but I was so young!

I also had a drunken older sibling (male) come into the bedroom naked in the early hours of the morning thinking it was the bathroom.

I have heard of so many other stories at 'sleepovers' it just makes me feel like there's no chance my children will be going for them!

You just cant guarantee what happens in other peoples houses, how well do you know these parents? Really?

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Original poster
ilkleymoorbartat · 27/01/2023 09:45

Yes @smoosandsmed I completely get your point. Which is partly why I was asking I suppose.

And the truth is you can't ever really know anyone completely (even family, given abuse within families statistics). But I guess being a parent requires a level of risk assessment with everything.

As far as I can, I trust this family. I know them well. The mother is a teacher at my sons school, and they are on the same 'parenting page' as we are.

I'm obviously apprehensive, hence posting here.

But this isn't any old family who I have little knowledge of.

OP posts:
Nevermindthesquirrels · 27/01/2023 09:47

@smoosandsmed That I do agree with. I think I have a different perception of sleepovers as they allowed me to see normal family life. I never had a negative experience and learnt a lot about healthy family dynamics and I think sleeping over a lot at my friends houses really shaped how I am now, and made sure I broke the dysfunctional family vicious cycle. I had no idea kids get told goodnight or have dinner made for them every night until I started staying over at my friends houses. So I do hope they stick around, I think they give a lot of respite to kids from horrible homes.
However, I was in y8 of secondary school when I had my first sleepover with a friend from school, I do think some of these ages are super young.

smoosandsmed · 27/01/2023 09:57

Nevermindthesquirrels · 27/01/2023 09:47

@smoosandsmed That I do agree with. I think I have a different perception of sleepovers as they allowed me to see normal family life. I never had a negative experience and learnt a lot about healthy family dynamics and I think sleeping over a lot at my friends houses really shaped how I am now, and made sure I broke the dysfunctional family vicious cycle. I had no idea kids get told goodnight or have dinner made for them every night until I started staying over at my friends houses. So I do hope they stick around, I think they give a lot of respite to kids from horrible homes.
However, I was in y8 of secondary school when I had my first sleepover with a friend from school, I do think some of these ages are super young.

Ah that's really sad 😞 sorry to hear that. I understand.

Luredbyapomegranate · 27/01/2023 10:01

It’s a good idea. 8 is about right for a first nights / camps away.

I know it’s hard but you have to let them slowly grow up, or they won’t be able to handle themselves when they’re older.

SheWoreYellow · 27/01/2023 10:04

I think cub camp is fine without a warm up. They’re so busy and it’s different to home that they are often fine. It depends how confident you are in the leaders though. It would be unusual for them not to be completely lovely and able to calm and upset child.

Luredbyapomegranate · 27/01/2023 10:05

smoosandsmed · 27/01/2023 09:29

I still stand by my reasonings. I am a social worker and you'd be surprised what can happen at sleepovers. It's not just 'abuse' that I am cautious of. These children are all so young that you are all mentioning. There's all sorts that can happen in other peoples houses without you knowing.

I was shown hardcore porn by someone at their house once- they thought it was 'funny' but I was so young!

I also had a drunken older sibling (male) come into the bedroom naked in the early hours of the morning thinking it was the bathroom.

I have heard of so many other stories at 'sleepovers' it just makes me feel like there's no chance my children will be going for them!

You just cant guarantee what happens in other peoples houses, how well do you know these parents? Really?

I do understand your perspective given your experience, but your experiences and your job mean that perspective is very narrow.

Of course you need to know the kids are well supervised, but if you don’t let kids start to have some independence by the age of eight, they will struggle later on. You also don’t want your kids to be so afraid of the outside world they live half lives. Most people they encounter will be fine. A positive open attitude massively increases anyone’s live chances

Parentandteacher · 27/01/2023 10:07

Mine haven’t ever done sleepovers except for family. I can’t see them being ready before year 5 or 6. Also I feel like, as friendly to say hello I am with school parents I don’t actually know them. From a safety point of view I’m not keen.
Id feel differently about godparents, family friends who’ve I’ve known for thirty years.

Parentandteacher · 27/01/2023 10:08

What I meant was year 5 or 6 absolutely earliest but I’d really rather not allow it at all unless with people I know very well.

Original poster
ilkleymoorbartat · 27/01/2023 10:10

Yes I agree @Parentandteacher I wouldn't consider it if it wasn't people we knew well.

OP posts:
mindutopia · 27/01/2023 10:23

I think we started maybe very end of being 8, just 9. Fwiw, mine went away to cub camp at 9, having only just moved areas (so all new friends of about 2 months) and only just joined cubs about a month before....and had an absolute blast.

Nevermindthesquirrels · 27/01/2023 10:24

@smoosandsmed no need, I was very lucky, as were my siblings who had similar set ups at their friends homes. We all had a safe space and got to experience getting tucked in, even if it wasn't our own parents. They even took us on holidays, cinemas etc. Never ever asked for money. They're incredible, not just my friends parents but my siblings too. My DD has had a wonderful childhood thanks to those sleepovers and I'm fortunate to be able to do the same for a friend of hers. I still keep in touch with those friends and their mum's helped me a lot, well into adulthood.

RecordsTurning · 27/01/2023 10:32

With friends, my son did a few from age 9, my daughter has never wanted to.

With cousins, my son did lots, from about 6, my daughter hated that too so never did it again.

3WildOnes · 27/01/2023 10:38

Mine have had sleepovers with friends from quite young. Always with families I knew and trusted.
One of mine started in year 1 the other in year 3 maybe. One of mine is too young but I imagine she will be ready by reception as she is already asking now.

Orangebadger · 27/01/2023 10:46

@smoosandsmed but surely that could also happen at a play date not just a sleepover?

Personally for me my DD was 8 when she had her first sleepover and it was with people with know very very well. I would probably not let her go on a play date or sleepover if I don't know the family. She's 10 now. No idea how I will navigate this when she's at high school though.

My DS is 5, not a chance I would let him have a sleepover and even with a play date I would stay with him right now, he's a pretty young 5 yr old though. No idea when I would let him have a sleepover. I imagine he'll be older than his sister.

Bbq1 · 27/01/2023 12:21

smoosandsmed · 27/01/2023 09:29

I still stand by my reasonings. I am a social worker and you'd be surprised what can happen at sleepovers. It's not just 'abuse' that I am cautious of. These children are all so young that you are all mentioning. There's all sorts that can happen in other peoples houses without you knowing.

I was shown hardcore porn by someone at their house once- they thought it was 'funny' but I was so young!

I also had a drunken older sibling (male) come into the bedroom naked in the early hours of the morning thinking it was the bathroom.

I have heard of so many other stories at 'sleepovers' it just makes me feel like there's no chance my children will be going for them!

You just cant guarantee what happens in other peoples houses, how well do you know these parents? Really?

Maybe depends on the type of families hosting the sleepover. My ds is 17 and has been to many sleepovers over the years and there has never been any incidents whatsoever. Just normal family set ups.

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