What do I do now?

[NoSchoolToday]

Name changed because this is very outing and I don’t want it linked to previous posts.

DS has refused to go to school today. It’s the first time he’s refused outright, but he regularly messes around and plays up a bit as we are due to leave. He is SEN, has additional needs and is waiting for an ASD referral. The problem is, I don’t know how to deal with it? I don’t think I dealt well today, and it escalated. I had things thrown at me, was hit and kicked and then I cried which I don’t think helped. He just started looping and screaming and I eventually carried him to the car and drove him to school. He calmed down and was sad, but back to his normal self when we arrived at school. The head came out and met us, gave him a hug and said he could help her out today, but I’m worried that means he might do it more in the future, but then I don’t want him shoved into his class when he was late and obviously upset.

So now I feel shit. Can’t stop crying, bad headache and stuck working and worrying about how he is. Has anyone been through this and got any advice on what I can do better to de-escalate if this happens again? Literally any help at this point

Anyone?

You did amazingly well under such distressing circumstances and well done for taking him to school.

Hopefully he will realise that it was pointless refusing to go as you took him anyway.

The head sounds supportive so he may well have enjoyed his day there.

Try to put this morning behind you, I think you handled it very well.

You did the right thing, honestly I've lost count of the amount of parents who go through the same thing both in MS and SS
Good luck to the HT if they try to put him back in class, I think they meant well but it needs to have a time limit
I agree it's shit though

Thanks both, I’ve cried all day. I keep worrying that I’ve left him there upset after such an awful morning

Maybe a morning written checklist?
Get dressed
Eat breakfast
Do teeth
Read book
Coat and shoes on
Leave house.
My ds has suspected asd and needs things planned out.

For example placed a perfectly average tea down for him but because I hadn't 'prepared' him (told him in advance) for it he felt he couldn't eat it.

Excellent suggestion by @Eastereggsboxedupready if he is too young or not interested in reading a visual timetable would help but I'd see how he was for a bit incase it was a blip
He'll be fine @NoSchoolToday you would have heard by now
Enjoy the peace

I am often the one taking the screaming child from their parent.
If the head is anything like I am she will have take him in and given him a job, maybe some breakfast (even if he has already eaten, it's a good way to show care) and had a chat about what the issue is.
Once the child is regulated I will return them to class but will check on then throughout the day. Just so that they know that they are being kept in mind.

When he is calm tonight, try to have a conversation. Can he tell you what went wrong? Can you come up with a plan to fix it?
The other poster's idea of a checklist is a really good one.

Then do something nice together. No consequences, no going on about it or getting cross. A bit of team building.

The best things that you did though was managing to get him there. The parents who keep their children off when there are issues like this always end up regretting it in the end.

You did great. It will have been really tough and you need to be kind to yourself.

Sorry. There are so many typos there. I am off work with a poorly three year old who wants to be as close to my face as humanly possible.

Getting one of mine to school was like stuffing an octopus into a string bag and then getting an octopus out of a string bag.

First one had to extract them from their pyjamas and stuff them into a uniform, then extract them from their bed/room/flat. I've carried a thirty kilo "octopus" down three flights of stairs peeling fingers and feet off the architrave, the banisters, and anything else they can attach to on the way down.

Now they are bigger I have to rely on persuasion and working with the school. Kiddo went "missing" recently, which has helped get them more support getting into school.

My tips:

Keep calm. (!!!) (Sing-songy or soothing voice, normal voice=anger to them even if not true)

Reduce the demands in the morning. (Or do as much of their getting ready as you can, maybe dress them) (your aim is to get them into school as ready to learn as you can, life skills can come in the holidays)

Remember you are not choosing options from the ideal. (eg drink ideally would be milk or water, but for your kid it might be nothing or coke and in hot weather when they won't drink in school to the point they feel ill, it's coke)

Work out your non negotiables and what is not important.

If they are old enough for a phone, ringing them up/texting to remind them to get dressed.

Work with school to have a back up plan: they could gomin early or late or through the office for example.

Stop caring about stuff you can't control. (Eg if your options are between being late or not going in at all stop worrying about being late, but do work with school on that. You can work with educational welfare as well to get them to help you put in reasonable adjustments at school)

Also remember that it is normal to feel really shit afterwards. You have had increased adrenaline and when it wears off it leaves you feeling a bit exhausted, sad and generally grim.

Be kind to yourself.

Thanks everyone, the virtual timetable sounds good and thank you @Overreactionpossibly for the reassurance. His teachers are lovely so hopefully he’ll be ok

@BlackeyedSusan the idea of dressing an octopus has made me laugh for the first time all day. I’ve got the worst headache and hadn’t even thought it was the adrenaline from this morning!

You did your very best in a difficult situation — you can’t do more than that. I imagined the Head has seen this numerous times before, has had your lad do a small job for her and he’s now back in his classroom and has forgotten this morning. My bet is he’s having a better day than you are.