Family questioning my sons ASD

[TheyDontgetIt]

I’m so frustrated . We struggle so much and we are isolated and don’t see family much. I try to keep in contact with call texts photos and videos of dc. I’m always doing the chasing.

It now transpires that my attempts to keep in touch have sparked off debate as to whether ds really has autism and if he does it must be ‘mild’ because he looks and sounds ok in the photos and videos . They don’t see him !!!! I send a nice photo or a little video (20-30 seconds) trying to be friendly ans now it’s sparked off some kind of reassessment and criticising me as to whether I’m making it up ??

We have huge struggles on a daily basis and we don’t get much sleep. He’s still in nappies at 6 and I’ve explained all this but now I’m not being spoken to. Not sure if they are minimising so they don’t feel bad they never support me it if they genuinely think I’m making it up. So fed up. So pissed off. So frustrated. Don’t know where to go from here but I feel alone

Wow! I'd be NC completely. They could mentally damage your poor DS

I’m just so hurt they seem to be insinuating I’m making it up or exaggerating that’s what is really hurting

Honestly, just photograph or photocopy the diagnosis, clearly showing his name etc and be done with them all!

That's so frustrating for you. I think a lot of relatives have an attitude that they know better and they can't help but try and make that obvious. I don't have children with any disabilities, but we have our difficult days like everyone else. If my parents ever visit and ask how the kids are, I might say "oh ds has been a bit upset this morning, I think he could be tired" instantly it's just "well he's been fine with me". Just shut down instantly as if their five minute experience is the same as my full day. It's dejecting for me, so I can only imagine how you must feel.

My DGS is autistic. It's very hard for his DP because most of the time he is "normal"! I have seen a meltdown twice. His friends' parents thought he was "normal" until their DC were coming home with accounts from school. My point is it doesn't matter that I don't understand, I rarely have to deal with it. However, I wouldn't presume to tell my DS that my DGS is "mildly" autistic!

You don’t have to ‘prove’ how bad he is.

They shouldn’t be rude about it or stop talking to you but I would let them think what they think.

I have two older children with special needs and looking back I have started to realise how uncomfortable people are about hearing about their difficulties and maybe over the years I should have shared less. Even when people are supportive, I’m not sure it helps for them to know everything.

Also even people supposedly in the know like the professionals, even medics and social workers, never really get it.

I do understand your feelings. It’s only very recently I’ve started to have a change of mindset on this.

Your son doesn't need these people in his life.
I have autism and have spent a lifetime masking and trying to appear normal.
I do just fine without my family who think it's just a excuse for falling short or a fancy label for being a bit odd.
Best thing I took from this was how not to be like them as a parent to my own autistic child who has my full support and understanding.

Fuck them op ! Fuck them. Seriously do they want you to film him having a meltdown, lining stuff up for hours, flapping, stimming, seriously why not go the whole hog and face time them at 4 in the morning when he just won’t sleep.

My ds 4 has autism. So I know what your dealing with on a daily basis. I have no time for people like this. They are in the same bracket as those who claim to be “ a little bit autistic”

You know what’s “worse” than autism ? Bloody stupid, ignorant fuckers who think they can diagnose people while sat on the couch eating crisps !!! I hate them !!!

My eldest is on pathway and my dm thinks I'm being dramatic! He is 12 and was referred by school, not me. Although I have had suspicions since he was a toddler. One night she actually said it was my parenting that made him the way he is. That I parent him differently to my other kids to make him look like he's autistic. We don't speak much now!

My youngest son is Autistic. He was diagnosed at age 9 and DHs parents immediately said it was ridiculous and that he is not autistic. He is now 19 and MIL (FIL has passed away) STILL does not believe it. I just ignore her comments now, but it was very frustrating in the beginning.

I’d be asking when they got their qualifications in paediatric neurodevelopment as it must have passed you by 🙄

Similar but not the same my youngest has ADHD pretty much everyone I have ever met has had an opinion about that this includes teachers, other professionals and family. Ranges from there’s no such thing as ADHD it is just bad / ineffectual parenting. Child just needs a smack when they’re not behaving. If child lived in their house they wouldn’t allow such nonsense and would soon sort child out. They have known other people with ADHD and they don’t behave like my son does etc etc etc. you grow a second skin and let it bounce off. It was only as my son got older and my family saw / heard about his extreme behaviour that they finally understood, at this point one of my siblings went NC in case it was catching and would affect his children, so that was nice. Don’t waste head space trying to convince them, honestly you need all your energy for yourself.

DS is autistic. I had this too. Actually I started to realise that there were loads of other examples where my thoughts, feelings and experiences were dismissed and invalidated as not being “right” in my family.

I got tired of it eventually and now after making sense of their ongoing behaviour I could not give less of a damn what they think about anything, I have nothing to prove to them and their failing are their own to deal with or not. It is liberating.

I’m so sorry this is happening. My dd was diagnosed (after years of difficulty) at 15 with ASD. My mil who doesn’t have much to do with us, partly because of her extreme judgement over my parenting during very difficult times won’t believe it. My dd is 16 and suffering some impostor syndrome which is common with autistics and mil just loves this by agreeing she doesn’t have ASD. I’ve restricted their contact because it’s very damaging to my DD’s mh and her processing her diagnosis. Sorry to hear it’s so common 😢