Alternative/non-traditional wedding - help?

[Rstuvwxyz]

This is really random but I’d like some input (if you’d be willing!)

Myself and partner want to marry, however, we’ve never been keen on the traditional event so we’ve decided that for the actual legal part, we’re just going to do this secretly with 2 of our friends.

Later on down the line (we’re talking weeks maybe) plan to get our nearest and dearest together for a big bash under the guise of a birthday party. When actually it’s a “hey, we got married a little while ago let’s all get drunk and dance” kinda thing.

There’s a lot of family drama which puts me off doing a traditoonal wedding as I can’t be arsed with the politics “why didn’t you invite so & so” and I reckon some people wouldn’t come because I didn’t invite X Y Z SO, the secret, very small-scale mini wedding followed by the surprise party suits us just fine. However unsure how to sell this “party” as we’d preferably liek to do it in the summer but both our birthdays are in the winter. 😬

That’s tricky. You could just simply sell it as a casual summer bbq but then it would be best to give the people you really want to be there the most a heads up that it’s a wedding to ensure their attendance. But this might not help you circumnavigate the politics you wanted to avoid.

In the circumstances you describe I would be tempted to find a venue that would work well for the Winter and sell it as a birthday celebration as suggested.

my godfather did this (3rd marriage). invited lots of friends for a summer birthday party and announced the wedding. everyone was very happy for them.

do either you or your partner have a round-number birthday that would give an excuse for a big party? Or just hire a great venue and tell people you got a wonderful deal on a summer evening so went for that date.

I eloped to nyc and got married at city hall. Such a great way to do it.

Just need 24 hours for a marriage licence then you can get wed!

I know someone who did this. We did suspect what the real reason for the party was :)

Was a good day - bride and groom only told their parents on the morning and they went as witnesses :)

We had a secret wedding. We lived abroad at the time, and arranged it for when some of our clisest family members were visiting. They were chuffed to be there for it and it was a very special day. We discussed having a big party, like yours, but decided not to, because one of the main reasons we didn't want a big wedding was me not enjoying big parties and being centre of attention. But if you do it then rather than announcing it as "hey, we got married, sorry you weren't invited" you could maybe spring it as a follow-up ceremony - a blessing (if religious) or confirmation of vows, or whatever you want to call it - so the guests feel they are participating somehow.

Does it need to be announced at the party? I'd be inclined to get married with two witnesses, then invite everyone to a party 'to celebrate our recent marriage'.

This sounds incredible! And so much fun. I wish our funds would stretch that far 😟 and we have 2 young children, so they’d either need to come with or we’d have to elongate the lie to whoever was looking after them 🤣

That’s lovely. Did you have a good time? 🥹

Hmm, you’re right we could do this but we have some family members (close, think parents/siblings) who I think would be miffed that they weren’t invited/had no idea. Silly isn’t it? But I feel like if I invite them to a little fun shindig and tell them THEN, they have no time to ruminate or get arsey fro whatever silly reasons. They’d already be at a party surrounded by good vibes 💃 🪩

see, if we invite one close family member then another will be annoyrd that they didn’t get invited and it just snowballs. We have quite a big, close family but there’s so much drama within it that to avoid all the hassle I just want the legal part done with no pressure and no sympathy invites 😬😂

I love the idea of having a big party, and it only being that - a party. No collecting food orders, no timeline of who needs to be where, no worrying about accommodation for older family and 3 course meals etc, that’s just why I want to keep it separate. That way we can invite family, & if you turn up you turn up and if you don’t, well, you don’t. I could be wrong but I’d find it more “relaxed” as just a summer get together/BBQ/belated birthday for both of us and people coming with (hopefully) less expectations than a wedding. We live in a big city so accommodation/getting home via train is fairly easy to organise by themselves. They’d just know that they need to be at an easily accessible location, from X time - X time to celebrate a belated birthday with us and where you stay and how you get home is up to you.

Yeah you’re right, I should probably just stick to winter and have it mainly indoors. I liked the idea of it being sunny and warm but yeah, could be a bit suspicious like “hey, our birthdays are near Xmas but come celebrate it with us in June” 🤣🤔

I like the idea of just a BBQ get together. Althoguh people would be wondering why I’m adamant they come if they can 😂😂

We eloped to NYC too. We planned to do what you’re suggesting with a casual party but Covid got in the way and then we felt too much time had passed. Of course you get the odd family member who can’t be simply happy for you but see it as something they expected to have full involvement in (eg control). It is however your day and your money - so absolutely do what you want. In the grand scene of things it’s just one day of your lives.

If you wanna have a summer bbq have a summer bbq.

Just man up and tell people it’s to celebrate your recent wedding.

Check out wee wild weddings on Instagram x

That sounds like a brilliant idea to me . Can the party be arranged as an Engagement party but turn out to be the wedding party or have you already had one of those !,

Do you not think you'll get people complaining anyway?

"oh, I'd have definitely come if you'd told me it was a wedding party etc....Uncle John knew in advance it was a wedding party didn't he"

I know someone who did this, they got married in secret and then invited everyone to an 'engagement party' and announced it there. This only works if you haven't previously announced an engagement though x

Oh I like this idea! My friend did this for an engagement party but it actually turned out to be the wedding.
You could make up anything, say that it's been a tough few years so you wanted to have a party with your nearest and dearest to celebrate life or something like that.
Sounds like fun, enjoy OP!

Actually now that I remember, I also went to another party that I thought was a milestone birthday, was quite small about 20 people. Turned out the had got married and this was their party. It was great! They announced it when they brought out the cake.

Thanks, will do ❤️😍

No thanks, for reasons explained above 🥲 why is there always 1 rotten egg here 🤣

”well, Uncle John’s lying the little toad”

Nah, I’ll say “hey, please come. It’ll be fun and worth your while” and if they don’t then, can’t say I didn’t try. They surely can’t be annoyed by not seeing us say “I do” and sitting on some hard seats, waiting for everyone to be directed everywhere for photos. That’s the boring part no?

@underneaththeash also, yeah people will probably find something to complain about if that’s in their nature BUT yano what? It helps me side step any ridiculous family politics where I’m expected to invite people I wouldn’t necessarily want to. 😁

E.G., say I don’t reeeally get along with cousin Julie but I do get along with her mum Auntie Rochelle, therefore I don’t really fancy inviting Julie - if I’m paying through the nose for her to be in the ceremony, eating a tasty 3 course meal and generally taking up expensive wedding space, then I’d probably just put her invite in the bin. Fine. However, Auntie Rochelle is then likely to be like “oh, I feel awkward, I want to come to your wedding but you haven’t invited my daughter Julie and she’s sad about it. So, I don’t know if I can make it but I’ll try” (pathetic but realistic) which isn’t ideal because I love Rochelle.

Therefore, my plan translates to: “hey, come party with us in the summer (or winter, undecided). Good vibes (and absolutely not paying through the nose for a whole orchestrated day)” There’ll be food, good music and a bar. Julie feels included and she isn’t costing me a fortune, she has complete autonomy if she wants to come and Rochelle then feels less pressure and is probably inclined to come, even if Julie chooses not to, because she loves a boogie.

I also will feel less stress about people needing to be in certain places to get photos, do speeches, alll the milling around during the day and worrying whether the guests are entertained enough during it all before the reception… that literally just stripping it back to a good old fashioned party with booze and food with all the people who WANT to be there, because they want to spend time with us (and not because they think it’s a wedding). 😍❤️

@TheresALight @MrsMikeDrop I loved reading these 🥹 your friends sound fab! They way you’ve spoken about it now, is how I’d want our F&F to talk about it after

Could you use the coronation weekend as an excuse for a party?