Year 6 - how involved did you get in fallings out?

[BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz]

All the girls in the class have basically outgrown each other and I can't wait for the space to make new friends secondary will bring.

Whenever dd and her friends have petty squabbles I repeat "you'll be friends again in a few days, it'll all blow over".

However today she's incredibly upset as her four closest friends have basically banded together and freezed her out. From her account of what's happened, she and Friend 1 made a plan for after school, dd then said to the other friends "come to plan". Friend 1 then said she didn't want them to come.

Dd then told the others that Friend 1 didn't want them to come now, and lo and behold, Friend 1 denies this and sides with the group, against dd.

Now - I've done the whole "it'll blow over" thing, and explained to dd that she shouldn't have been the messenger, blah blah, if Friend 1 didn't want the group along, she should have been the one to tell them.

The plan, BTW was something completely none event worthy (think stopping at the swings they pass on the walk home type thing).

Dd has now been removed from all the groups on their chats, been told that's it, not friends any more etc etc.

I'd never ever get involved over what I normally do, but this feels bigger than when stuffs happened in the past. All the mums are friends anyways, so I'm not sure whether to just do a check in - not blaming anyone, just "seems the girls had a falling out on the way home from school. Likely dds version of events is only part of it, but she's a bit confused about what she's done wrong so if they let you know any more about the whole saga, let me know so I can chat to dd about it"

That sort of thing.

Or do I just leave it?

Not sure l would say anything to the other mums but maybe give the teacher the heads up tomorrow?

I didn’t. I never do. Unless there is any major upset/verging on bullying. But thankfully, touch wood, never had that.

I had one mum square up to me in the playground, mind!

Over a game of fucking minecraft where my ds had killed too many of her sons sheep (?) when he had told him not too.

She was bonkers though. Her little darling was headed for Harrow, don’t you know, and was obeyed by all the other children. Aside from ds who gave no fucks. She screamed at other parents over everything.

It’s harder with girls though. They can be brutal.

My dd is year 4. The best thing I ever did with ds was steer him away from group chats abs social media. He’s 21 now and still has no SM. I will be doing the same with dd.

He’s 21 now and still has no SM. I will be doing the same with dd

In fairness, social media was far less prevalent 10 years ago.

When dd was in year 5 I encouraged her to explore other friendships as she was stuck in a toxic cycle like that. She was much happier with the other girls and it improved the friendship with the original girls as they weren't always in each other's business.

I wouldn’t get involved. Encourage dd to seek other friendships. Unless it becomes more of a bullying case then speak to the teacher.

Stay well out of it.
DD’s former bestie’s mum used to involve herself and it was just intolerable and exhausting and added to the drama. Eventually, their friendship totally collapsed, partially because of the mother’s constant monitoring of their friendship once she involved herself. And other parents were just roped in. It just grew legs, teeth, and hair. Then it turned into DD’s friend constantly enlisting mummy to fight her non-battles. I was relieved to see the end of the friendship.

It was, that’s true.

I know it will be harder with my dd, but by the time ds was in secondary, bullying through SM and whatsapp was rife, mainly among the girls in his circle. I’m glad he was out of it.

Yep I'll stick with what I normally do then in that case. I've told dd to blank any and all messages she gets tonight, ignore any calls, and tomorrow she can decide what to do - but to remeber it usually all comes out in the wash.

There can be real proper nastiness with girls and their circles of friends. My DS will be starting secondary school this summer and the difference between the boys in his class is night and day to when my DD was that age.

I don’t think I’d get involved OP, not yet anyway. In your own words this might blow over eventually too.

There's been no end of fallings out with dd and her friends since they started year 6. I mainly stay out of it and explain that its part of growing up etc. The only time I have got involved was just before Christmas as it started to turn quite nasty/bullying, so I had a word with dds teacher, dd removed herself from all the WhatsApp groups and distanced herself from them for a bit. Its blown over for now but know it will start again when secondary school places are announced!

I would maybe talk to DD a little more as well.

Explain to her that sometimes people don’t want others and if she was inviting more she should have checked (good practice for the future)

then having done so telling them they couldn’t come because friend 1 said no though correct had the potential to be hurtful

neither of course deserve the treatment and I would wonder if this hasn’t be slightly orchestrated by friend 1 but only you know the dynamic

I'd give the school a heads up definitely. Year 6 was such hard work for my DD2 too and whilst it's normal, it's not much fun if you're not flavour of the month.
School were good at sorting things out, the summer term was particularly hard though.

DD1 only had a few months of year 6 before the first lockdown but it was heading that way for her too.

neither of course deserve the treatment and I would wonder if this hasn’t be slightly orchestrated by friend 1 but only you know the dynamic

This is my thought, but I won't be saying this to dd. Thus sort of drama seems to orbit around friend 1.

Yep I've spoke to her about inviting others etc. The daft thing is, is that no one even needs inviting. It's a public place, on the exact route all four walk home on regardless so the whole thing is a bit ridiculous.

Just monitor how it goes over the next couple of days and if the freezing out continues I’d speak to the teacher or one of the mums, if you have a friendship beyond that of the girls.

Girls can be really dreadfulI to one another as they try to clamber to the dizzy heights of popularity!! We had this with DD and it usually peaks and actually gets even worse between years 6-8 in our experience which was absolutely awful.

DD had this, I did nothing (like you I didn’t want to intervene and thought things might work out or fizzle out). DD had a bf throughout most of primary they were both nice quiet girls (who were maybe a little bit young for their age) and others joined the group.

Things got much worse for DD and the ring leader that DD had welcomed into the little group at the start of year 6 sneakily divided and smashed up the group (DD and her bf fell out completely and have never spoken since they are nearly 18 now). In the end this girl really isolated DD. Unfortunately her and another girl that DD had also welcomed into the group in year 5 (at my request as her mum had said her DD was really quiet and didn’t really have any friends). Unfortunately, both these girls who were really desperate to be popular ended up in DD’s form group at Secondary School and went on to intervene, deliberately ruin any friendships DD tried to make in the first few months of year 7 and make fun of her as well!! It was awful.

The thing is if you say something your DD may get teased and made fun of because you have intervened. On the other hand I wished I had at least spoken to the form teacher so she aware the friendships had broken down so DD could have at least had a fresh start at Secondary School (but instead the teacher put them together and quiet DD didn’t want to say anything and by the time the groups were announced it was too late and no changes could be made).

Personally, I would encourage other activities, other friendships and work on your DD’s self confidence.

My DD has found her tribe now but it took awhile and really eroded her self confidence.

Personally, I would encourage other activities, other friendships and work on your DD’s self confidence

We are luckily already in this situation - she does external hobbies with other kids, isn't in an "exclusive friendship group" at school, will play with anyone, and is quite confident.

I remember in year 6 the ring leader after she had seen Dd’s best friend off and manipulated the falling out between the pair. Her BF really went off the rails as her mum was also quiet poorly. She then began stirring to the girl who joined the group in year 5 saying. Things like if we want to be popular at secondary we will have to be friends with people who will make us seem more popular so we definitely don’t want to be friends with X (my daughter) as she won’t help us to become more popular.

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz thats good to know. Although DD was pretty easy going and often played with the boys (as she had an older brother) and she always had outside interests too. But just to warn you suddenly in year 6 the playground/class dynamics can change and it can become like a cat fight whereby playing reduces and preening takes over in the fight to get ahead in the popularity stakes at Secondary. If your DD isn’t interested in this they could end up shunned as mine did. But you sound pretty confident this won’t happen with your DD so you have nothing to worry about.