Adult ADHD - Can't even find rock bottom

[GrantShappsAteMyBrain]

I'd posted last year about my problems with ADHD. I was diagnosed a long time ago but went off meds for a few years as I was pregnant and then breastfeeding. I finally managed to contact my psychiatrist and to jump through all the hoops they wanted to get a prescription just to find that the meds are out of stock and won't be in stock for the foreseeable future. More hoop jumping...

Anyway, in the meanwhile, I'm just not coping. I've got massive deadlines at work. I've been given more responsibility and autonomy this year and I'm totally not able to deliver. I work from home and spend the whole day eating and browsing Mumsnet. Every morning I thik things will be different but before I know it it's evening and I have again done NOTHING. I've got half a day tomorrow now to do something that I have had 3 weeks for. The house is a tip and the kids just eat crap because I always run out of time to cook.

I don't even want to take the meds. I partially filled my prescription with the last 5 pills they had in my town and I hated how they make me feel. They didn't help either. I just don't know what to do. I am so stressed and miserable all the time with this never ending and forever growing list of things to do.

That sounds really hard OP, could you get signed off sick from work? Sounds like you're totally overwhelmed, or at least speak to someone so that they know you're struggling?

Thank you. I haven't declared to my company that I have ADHD and I really don't want to. Even if I was signed off work I'd still just spend the day frittering it away and then would have the same problems when I return. I'm not anxious. I mean today I am because I have Finally run out of time to do my work but it's not like I've got a lot going on. And now I'm late for the school run. 🙄

How about some ADHD coaching OP? Or different meds?
I know something of how you feel and it's horrible, but I do believe ADHD can be cracked.

I don't have ADHD myself but see how it affects my DS and other members of our family. Firstly, try and stop blaming yourself here. You have a condition that means that really bloody hard stuff - juggling work, home, kids etc - is even more bloody hard. Little baby steps with things seem to work well with my DS. So tidying his room is too much but putting the socks in the draw is fine, then making his bed etc. Set yourself little rewards for small tasks so that it feels positive and use the hyperfocus where you can.

Sending hugs x

How? A few years ago I worked with a close friend on one of his projects and barely contributed at all. One day he said something like "I know you think you have got ADHD but at the end of the day you just have to somehow do the work". It was harsh and he obviously didn't believe I had ADHD but he was right about the second part of his sentence. At the end of the day I just have to do the work. There is no way around it. If I want to function I need to somehow function.

It's been over a week that I've heard from the psychiatrist'a office when they said they would call me the next day. So I know they won't call me unless I follow up with them. I'm a month into a two month project that I'm meant to be leading and I haven't done anything. My colleague has offered to help but I don't even know what help I need and I don't know how to ask for help without showing how clueless I am. I am eating myself into an early grave. I've put on so much weight that everything aches. My feet are on fire after a few steps. I can't sit without my back side hurting like crazy after ten minutes. Every day I tell myself that I need to be healthy for my children if not for me but it doesn't matter what I say to myself because I can't act on my thoughts.

I need help but I'm not able to ask for it. Not like this. Not when it takes months and a million steps to get medication and having to make two dozen phone calls and chasing after someone or the other. Especially when I don't even want to take the meds. I just don't want this anymore. I mean I know my life is pretty decent regardless because I've been incredibly lucky in many ways but sometimes it just feels like what is the point if I'm not in control of my own life or my actions.

How do I crack this? How do I do something when I just can't do it.

I can't use my hyperfocus. I've got ADHD. I can't control my focus. I do hyperfocus but rarely it's been on anything useful or even rewarding.

Apologies I'm being grumpy and ungrateful.

Anyone want to join me in my pity party?

I'm in the same position. I have always had a big problem with putting things off until it's too late to do them sensibly. Previously though, in the end, something would trigger me to do the work and I'd work crazily and get it done, either just in time or marginally after the deadline.

The frightening thing for me right now is that I've lost that trigger and I don't know if it will arrive. The deadline passed days ago, I do care, I care that I'm probably going to lose this client and I care that I'm letting them down but the unknown something is stopping me but I feel dead to the feeling of pressure that usually sparks me to work.

Like you say, every day I have good intentions and I genuinely believe this will be the day that I am productive and get the work done and the time just passes.

My grasp of passing time has gone. It used to be that a few hours would pass without me registering. This year it seems that the entire month of January has floated away.

It's a desperate situation and usually when I talk about it to anyone they give a knowing chuckle and talk about their procrastination issues but this is not a remotely amusing issue it is an entirely different damaging, self-sabotaging cycle.

Another day, another fail. I can't live like this anymore. DC are in after school club so I can get more work done and I've done nothing. I feel like the worst human being. Maybe not the worst. Maybe just the most stupid.

Yes the entire month of January has just floated by. I wish I could just quit my job and not have this stress every single day but we need the money. But for how long can I coast like this? I live in constant fear of being found out.

I have a performance review with my boss later today and not only do I not have anything to show and have not done the things he suggested I do but I also haven't prepared the document I was meant to for the review. I'm tired of sounding like an idiot and I'm tired of feeling guilty and I'm even tired of feeling sorry for myself but at least ok good at that. Both the self loathing and the self pity are strong with this one.

how are you getting on?