I’m not supposed to date him am I?

[Letthecarhuntbegin]

Just thinking out loud here.

Basically I have been single forever. I have made peace with the idea that I will live alone, have lots of pets and be everyone’s favourite auntie. It makes me a little sad, but I’ve always been 100% sure I’d rather be on my own than with the wrong person. Also, I’m reasonably sure I don’t want children. Or rather, I don’t think I could cope with children. I am one of those adults who have ‘self diagnosed’ with ASD/ADHD and regardless of whether that’s a valid thing to do (I know it isn’t) the upshot is that I have enough trouble looking after myself! I also feel depressed at the way the world is going and bringing a child of mine into it just makes me feel sad and sorry because I wouldn’t feel hopeful about their future.

Anyway I dated a guy 6 years ago. He’s a lovely sweet man, kind and attentive, but I ended it because I could tell he was much keener or me than I was on him, and it made me a bit uncomfortable. It was like he was always on his best behaviour trying to impress me. I’d find it much more attractive if he was more confident and effortless, though I feel a bit mean saying that! He’s not all that attractive, but realistically neither am I.

Anyway he found another girlfriend and I was happy for him.

He just sent me a facebook message saying hi after 6 years, I checked his profile and he’s single again. I suspect he’s hoping for another date.

We’re both 38. So I’m second guessing myself because it’s a now-or-never situation for children, isn’t it. I sort of feel like life is giving me one last chance, in case I’ve changed my mind. I know he’s nice. I know he likes me. I like him but I don’t love him, maybe I could grow to love him- but what if I can’t? And I’m super ambivalent about having children anyway!

I’m not supposed to date him again, am I?

I'd see him again just to test it out! A lot can change in six years.

Do you want to date him though?
You must be a bit tempted if you are posting here? If it was a definite no I don’t think you’d be giving it any further thought…

Do not have children, you don’t really want them. They are extremely hard work and turn your life upside down. It’s not fair to bring them into this world unless they are very much wanted.

Now that that’s out the way, you don’t have to date this man because of child related time pressures!!

Just have coffee.
You don’t have to decide if you want to marry the guy.

haha 😂 Thanks. Late night social media scrolling and a bit of rabbit-hole thinking! He hasn’t even asked me out!!

I think I’m only wavering in my life choices because my three remaining childfree friends all announced pregnancies since beginning of December. I feel like I am doing life wrong somehow.

I am, but I’m not sure if I am tempted for the right reasons.

I suppose life is feeling a bit grim (middle of January, birthday and getting older, cost of living, bit stressed at work) and my friends are all busy having babies and seeming really happy.

Christmas is all “love is all you need” etc etc. Maybe I need more people in my life to love? I don’t know. I really don’t.

Christ, he only said 'Hi'! 😂😂

Maybe he is looking for a date, or maybe he's just catching up with people/friends/whoever from the past?

The best time to do it is when you're single, as there's no-one who may potentially get upset or feel unnecessarily threatened.

What’s the worst that could happen?

Forget the babies- it sounds, at the moment, that you don’t want them. Him and babies are irrelevant. If you change your mind about babies, there are ways to begin a family that don’t hinge on getting a date now.

It’s so great that you’re comfortable being single, and you absolutely need to keep hold of that independent attitude.

But, equally, why not reply asking how he is, have a bit of a chat and see how you feel? Responding to a casual “hi” isn’t leading him on, and there’s no harm in it, as long as you’re not setting yourself up for disappointment.

I agree with you really. It’s hard though to truly know if you want children isn’t it. It’s not like you get to pick the child you want, and have a trial period!! But also people say that you just love your own child no matter what, come what may. Every single friend has them. I am second guessing myself.

Also this 😂

😂😂 I know!! It was just unexpected and triggered some bigger thoughts!!

I can empathise with this so, so much, and I think for me, I don’t feel the need to have children, but always assumed it would happen with the right person. That hasn’t happened yet and is unlikely to happen- my current partner doesn’t want children, and I don’t want children with him.

There’s a lot to be said for not having children- aside from the whole overpopulation etc etc, I really don’t think it’s a healthy attitude to think that life isn’t complete until you pass on your genes.

I can see myself fostering in future, but right now am content in being happy without progeny 😊

But also people say that you just love your own child no matter what, come what may. Every single friend has them. I am second guessing myself.

Have a look at some of the threads on here about regretting having children ! Yes we all love our children but it’s bloody hard and your life is no longer your own.

i honestly think that if you wanted children you’d really, deeply want them.

it is hard when you feel the chance to do something running out though

I will say to what I say to everyone one the fence. If you aren't sure DO NOT DO IT. It's so life altering. And not always in a good way. Everything about your life right now would change. Work, hobbies, friends, holidays, relaxing. All of it would change in some way.

Most people love their children to the ends of the earth - but that doesn't mean they love the life they have with children.

I think no to children but yes to responding to the guy. I think you know deep down he's not for you but it's good to get these things out of your system. I also think you need more people in your life to love as you said, perhaps some child free friends if possible. I'm terrible at this myself but in the past have found getting out and doing stuff helps-hobbies, events, volunteering, travel etc. January is a hard month to be single, someone told me never to make big decisions when you're feeling down which I've found to be good advic

Little beside the point but just wanted to say diagnosis for asd/adhd takes forever and costs the Earth so (except for the fact that it is necessary) there is nothing wrong with self diagnosis. It isn’t cheating! If it helps you understand yourself better, treat yourself with some compassion, find stratergies that actually work for your brain and start to accommodate your own needs rather than fighting them where is the harm? 38 is the average age for women to be diagnosed with adhd meaning most women have being living all that time with plenty of other labels that didn’t sit quite as right with them. Meaning also that most of those women were only diagnosed because they figured it out for themselves and sought out a dr to confirm it.
About the guy, do meet him if you are curious but only date him if that idea is exciting! You are 38. You might not want children. Def not time to be talking about settling! I might say something different if you desperately wanted kids, if that mattered to you enough to compromise just about everything (because having children will mean compromises in every area of your life and having a relationship with a man just because he is decent and kind is a bloody huge one - for you and him). I know it is really hard when our lives suddenly look really different to our friends (for me I was having a baby when my friends didn’t). Your paths are really different suddenly but it doesn’t mean you aren’t on the right one for you. I am the same age as you and I’m coming to terms with the idea I can’t have all the 9 different careers I wanted and more children and I prob won’t go and live in Italy or blar blar blar. I might do some of those things but prob not all. So the ones I choose should be the ones I really really want.

The most together person I know in life is a woman child free by choice who is in mid forties. She also happens to have an absolutely great partner, quite interesting job that means some regular travel. and is extremely well organised. She has just become an Auntie again for the third time and is involved with her nieces and nephews. She loves travelling and send pics sort of stuff like canoeing in Canada and at a roadside food stand in Vietnam. I have known her for 25 years and she has never wanted children, it is ok to not want them. It’s not great thinking you need to to do something just because everybody else is.