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Original poster

12yr old in trouble on social media

23 replies

stupidsocialmedia · 23/01/2023 14:40

Yep the obligatory name change mention, but this is embarrassing and shameful, so don't want it to be attached to my other name(s).

I have a 12rd old DD. She goes to a selective school and has always been happy, engaged with her work, etc. She has now contacted Childline and been advised to contact SS by her online friends.

We found out she was using a messaging app, which also allows video calls, through her love of Roblox.

She told me that someone on the chat had asked her about masturbating, then apologised. We talked again about online safety and blocked the app through Quostudio.

All was fine, till I heard her talking in her room and heard young lads talking back. She'd shut down as soon as I walked in. I found out she'd been using her chromebook to act as a hotspot for her phone and laptop.

After this the app was banned on the router.

I continued to have doubts and was sure I heard voices in her room, so took out her chromebook, only to find the next day that she'd put a book in it to fool me (we cannot put Quostudio on her chromebook as it's licensed to her school).

Saturday she came and told me she'd continued using the app and had lost her best friends on there as she'd made a spoof account and lied. I don't know how she's been accessing it. I'm guessing it's an app, but she's been using through chrome, but my DH is the more tech savvy so will talk to him later.

I talked to her about how she shouldn't have been on there, but acknowledged that she was upset at her friends telling her they didn't want to talk to her anymore. We spent a lovely day together, which we hadn't in so long as she's always in her room (on this bloody messaging thing I now know).

So today I looked on her laptop - sure enough the app is there. I looked through her messages. There is nothing inappropriate.

However, on Friday night, just after the fallout happened, one of her other friends asked why she did it. She said that she doesn't know, her head is all over the place. He told her to tell us. She said she couldn't. That we don't care about her, that we throw things at her if she comes in the room and that we hit her to make her go away and stay in her room. She was advised to contact Childline and SS, sure enough she has an account on Childline (which I didn't look at) and has searched for SS and told this friend that she contacted both.

The next day she messaged him saying she'd told me about the rift, and was much happier. She never told me that she contacted Childline or SS.

I don't know what to do. If I tell DH he will go in all guns blazing, but I can't help but think how damaging these online friendships are. Her grades have fallen and she lives for Roblox and talking online.

She went away with school a month ago and was happy when she came back, and she'd not been allowed her phone or any electronic gadgets.

I've tried to encourage her to join outside groups. She was so different until she discovered Discord, now it rules her life.

I have a bruise on my arm from when I found out she was still able to access it and said I'd tell her dad. She gets so angry about not having access to it.

OP posts:

Original poster

stupidsocialmedia · 23/01/2023 14:59

I really don't know what to do except block her browsers as well, which obviously won't allow her to do homework, and she can access it on her chromebook anyway and we are powerless to prevent that.

OP posts:

MrsTerryPratchett · 23/01/2023 15:03

No screens in bedrooms. That way they are downstairs and you are monitoring their usage.

For the rest SS are very used to children exaggerating online.

FriedEggChocolate · 23/01/2023 15:12

Her responses sound like an addiction; to my mind someone who has that level of need to access this app and Roblox has good reason to take time away from it.

I have a 13 year old, so get how important these online contacts can be to this age group but she was told no, and went on to find a way to access it 3 (?) further times. I'd agree with @MrsTerryPratchett - no screens in bedrooms and devices only somewhere public like the dining room table, not in an arm chair tucked in the living room. She's determined to keep an unsafe app, when you've explained why she shouldn't be using it. For me, she'd be on thin ice heading towards supervised use for home work only. I'm stunned she kept going when you'd said no.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

12 year olds Families

Gazelda · 23/01/2023 15:12

Talk to her school. They will have staff who are experienced in this and who will either know of possible solutions, or be able to signpost you to support.

Soontobe60 · 23/01/2023 15:15

Remove ALL devices today. She is a vulnerable child and you need to be the grown up.

CherieBabySpliffUp · 23/01/2023 15:19

If she has a Chromebook you can install Google Family. Then you can limit the apps she has and set it that she needs to ask you to authorise any apps and websites in future before she can.

Pinkyandtwerky · 23/01/2023 15:19

She only had access to her school laptop when she is downstairs and visible to you. No devices at all in her room or when alone.
get her into something else asap eg sport or dancing or choir or whatever. Get her out her room.
it’s so frightening how they get sucked in.

MrsPeas · 23/01/2023 15:27

If it helps, I have family link on any Google operated device and I block the websites and apps on there. I have a 13DD so I totally understand. It also set screen time and app times to limit usage. It locks after the time has been reached.

They should have to show Phot ID or get a parent to verify for social media accounts. It's awful online.

Original poster

stupidsocialmedia · 23/01/2023 15:41

Thank you all. I think the no screens in the room is a good idea.

I guess I'm scared of her/what she'll do. She says that if she can't have Roblox/chats, that there is no point to her life.

My son tried to kill himself when he was 18. He turned out to have undiagnosed autism, and it was a due to not being able to cope. He's fine now and 31. I'm scared she will do something to blackmail us (she is very good at blackmail).

I can't believe that she has managed to access the app, but from looking through the chats, it seems that she's been given hints.

I will try the family link. We've tried to adjust settings on there, but it's licensed to her school (although we paid for it), so we couldn't put anything on. If the family link works that would be a great help.

Thank you, I need to man up.

OP posts:

SkyHippoOnACloud · 23/01/2023 15:52

She says that if she can't have Roblox/chats, that there is no point to her life.

If she genuinely feels that way then it sounds even more like addiction so more reason to stop access to it. But it also sounds to me like the things teenagers typically say, deliberate over egaggerating for dramatic effect, when someone tries to stop them doing what they want.

I'm scared she will do something to blackmail us (she is very good at blackmail).

She's already blackmailing you with her comments above. It's a low thing to say when she's aware of her brothers suicide attempt and the effect it had on the family. Emotional blackmail. It's why you feel scared.

Computer in a communal area, supervised use only. If you have to sit with her while she does her homework to prevent her accessing it, that's what you'll have to do. Hope things improve for your family soon

Soontobe60 · 23/01/2023 15:53

Regarding blackmailing you, do not give in to her demands at all.

MrsTerryPratchett · 23/01/2023 15:55

We spent a lovely day together, which we hadn't in so long as she's always in her room

This needs to be built in. As do other activities, fun and outside school groups. Try a few things and see what she likes. Liking and doing are optional but trying isn't. We've tried everything from climbing to wild swimming to musical instruments to art. DD hit on two she actually likes but it took a while!

I think you probably all need family therapy because the dynamic seems a bit worrying because of your fears. But start with a healthy pattern and maybe it will turn things around.

MrsTerryPratchett · 23/01/2023 15:57

Soontobe60 · 23/01/2023 15:53

Regarding blackmailing you, do not give in to her demands at all.

Yes, But your job as parent is to work out what the unmet need is under the want.

GreenLeavesRustling · 23/01/2023 15:59

As Pps have said, you need to take it ALL away and move to supervised use only.

She’s shown, repeatedly, that she cannot manage this herself. This isn’t one lapse of judgement, it’s repeated deliberate subversion of the safeguards you have put in place.

you have to be the grown up here, and risk being unpopular.

FriedEggChocolate · 23/01/2023 16:01

@stupidsocialmedia who owns the actual Chromebook, you or the school? If it's yours, it would be going out the window if my child threatened me in response to being told they couldn't use a specific app. If you end up with bruises, she really doesn't get how it's appropriate to treat her mother. Her behaviour is terrible.

SnakeOiler · 23/01/2023 16:03

She is 12 OP. She is a child. It is your job to keep her safe.

No screens out of family areas, none of this apps. If she wants to play roblox that’s fine but no messaging apps and in the same room as you. Your turn to be a parent, not a friend.

Cakeyface123 · 23/01/2023 16:09

stupidsocialmedia · 23/01/2023 15:41

Thank you all. I think the no screens in the room is a good idea.

I guess I'm scared of her/what she'll do. She says that if she can't have Roblox/chats, that there is no point to her life.

I can't believe that she has managed to access the app, but from looking through the chats, it seems that she's been given hints.

Thank you, I need to man up.

We had a very similar situation 2 years ago with DS. I suspect DS might be neurodiverse (his younger brother is diagnosed ASd/ADHD).

We blocked Discord on his tablet and phone but didn’t realise he was accessing it on his laptop (which is for schoolwork)….and he was doing so in the middle of the night too! He was also talking with people (video chat or on his mobile, not sure) and was being asked to do inappropriate things. I saw massive behaviour changes which is what prompted me to dig into what he was doing online. We have blocked Discord via the router now so there is no way to get round it. The teens are so tech savvy, it’s really hard to moderates everything. We also used Family Link until recently. DS is back to his usual self - it’s truly shocking how much social media etc can change them. Really scary 😟.

Cakeyface123 · 23/01/2023 16:10

Loads of reply’s popping up on here so just wanted to say again to block Discord via the router

gogohmm · 23/01/2023 16:11

Carefully monitored online activity is fine, it's the modern way they have friends- saying it's not is burying your head in the sand. The key is monitoring. We had no computers in the bedrooms until sixth form - it was in the study which we all used, and crucially could walk into at any time. My DD's both online gamed from around 11 and dd1 even met her partner on discord, but we as parents have to monitor them to ensure nobody takes advantage of them especially when young. Taking it away isn't necessarily helping, instead set up safe practices and scheduling with parental controls for contents

LeapingCat · 23/01/2023 16:13

I know you’re worried about the chat, but it sounds like she’s talking to someone very sensible there. Advice to talk to her parents and then when she claims they’re unsafe to contact SS and child line. She’s been very lucky in who she’s come across.

Does she talk to friends from school when she’s at home? Is there a way to let her only talk to people you’ve approved on Roblox? I do this for my DS for Minecraft, so he can talk to people but only people I agree to.

SpaceMonitor · 23/01/2023 16:22

It is clear from your post that you take no responsibility for any of this. You clearly don’t know how to keep her safe online and it is your responsibility to find out. There are so many resources about this subject online and it is your job as a parent to read them.

It is also your responsibility to limit how much time she spends on screens and where she is accessing them. Clearly having them in her bedroom is a terrible idea.

SpacersChoice · 23/01/2023 16:31

All her tech needs removing and only using downstairs under supervision.

My Y10 15YO isn’t allowed Discord, do you have any idea what sort of fuck awful stuff is on there? I’m guessing not.

You need to educate yourself about every single game and app before deciding whether to allow a child to have unrestricted access to them.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 23/01/2023 16:38

If it's school property, it needs to be returned to the school with a full explanation of how it is being used so that their IT manager can put suitable blocking apps on it, as it will be a risk to all children using their equipment. She will have to attend Homework Clubs in order to do her work there instead.

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