I posted this over in the SN section but not had any responses. Would love some help if possible (sorry it’s long!).
My dd has just turned 9. She is lovely, very bright and doing well at school, but a recent incident has pushed me to wonder if I should pursue a diagnosis/extra support.
Her teacher left me a message a couple of days ago saying she was quite emotional/upset at school this week and wanted to know if she had mentioned anything to us. He said he had spoken to her and she said about her friends ‘looking at her funny’ and raising their voices at her. This is something she had been upset about after school earlier in the week, and she often tells me she thinks everyone hates her. This was mentioned by her teacher back in year 2 who said they thought she had some problems misinterpreting social cues, as she often thought her peers and teachers were mad at her/unhappy when nothing was wrong. They said they would try and get some extra support for her but it never really went anywhere. She’s now in Y4.
I didn’t get to speak to her teacher as I’ve been working late but I’ve emailed and basically explained that I suspect she has some neurodiverse behaviours (sorry if that’s the wrong term) and I assume she masks very well at school. I’m worried that he’s going to brush me off as an overbearing/anxious mother and say her behaviour is just normal 9 year old stuff but I’m not sure… I have suspected this for a very long time and did actually go to the GP when she was very small and the doctor was very dismissive.
The following are behaviours which I don’t think are neurotypical so would love to hear what others with more experience with ASD think.
- Dd was a late walker (20 months) and always had some sensory issues around uneven surfaces. For example, even when she was a toddler we couldn’t go to soft play as she would freak out at the squishy floor underneath her feet. She still hates uneven surfaces or anything which makes her feel unsteady. Terrified of escalators and struggles with stairs (has to hold on for dear life to the hand rail). Has only just started to use the slide and swings at the park but does panic if it’s too high/goes too fast.
- Very sensitive to noise. She really struggles with unexpected noises. I’ve never been able to use hand driers in toilets for example. She panics if a noisy motorbike goes past and will slam her hands over her ears. If the fire alarm goes off at school she gets distressed and cries. Many more examples but you get the idea.
- Sensory issues around clothing and how things feel. I have to cut the labels off all her clothes and there’s certain things she won’t wear at all. Really panics if her hair is wet after going in the bath and it touches her skin, for example.
- very sensitive to smells. Will refuse to go somewhere or have to leave it somewhere smells ‘bad’ to her. We had this earlier in a cafe which smelled slightly of fried food and she had a bit of a meltdown because she found it so disgusting and we had to go elsewhere
- She’s a very fussy eater compared to her friends. I have a friend whose son is autistic and his diet is way more limited than dd’s so she’s not too bad, but she does eat the same few things repeatedly. Often she will eat something she usually likes and decide it’s not ‘right’ even though it’s exactly the same as usual and refuse to ever touch it again.
- She has always been a terrible sleeper since being a baby. Will often still wake in the night and has to be patted to sleep by a parent
- She can be very anxious. This seems to be bad for a while then get better again, so comes in waves. Was particularly bad during covid times but we worked through a lot of stuff with the help of a book which was recommended to me on here at the time. She is still an anxious worrier but it has been worse than she is currently
- She doesn’t react well to plans changing, and needs to know every fine detail if we do something. I’ve got into the habit now of talking her through every plan we have, where we are going, who we will see, what they will say etc, as it relieves her stress and anxiety somewhat
- She’s very much a homebody and would happily not leave the house for days if I let her. She loves to ‘chill’ and have a lot of downtime which seems very different to how her friends are
- Related to the above, she’s exhausted all the time. So she will go to school and just be so tired every day and need to spend time alone not doing much to recharge herself. Even when she’s going through a period of sleeping through the night, she’s shattered all the time. She wouldn’t cope well with doing more than one activity in the day, for example. So an hour or so trip into town to run some errands would mean she would struggle doing much else outside of the house that day
- She’s a stickler for the rules and is completely incensed if someone isn’t doing something ‘right.’ She doesn’t understand that someone wouldn’t follow the rules and often gets caught up in trying to tell people they aren’t doing things the right way
- She’s very sensitive in general and very empathetic, especially struggles when her friends are upset or hurt
- Very much a perfectionist and gets extremely frustrated when things aren’t perfect
- I’ve picked up on this a lot more recently as it can be quite subtle but she constantly interrupts when you’re speaking to someone. She’s generally quite mature and has a good understanding but can’t seem to grasp when she should speak during a conversation etc
- Her ‘play’ for quite a few years has involved setting up or sorting out toys but not traditionally playing with them. She has a desk and loves organising her things, or setting up scenes with her teddies, setting up a dolls house when she was smaller but never going beyond that. I joke that her dream job would be to set up the fake rooms at IKEA!
- I’ve only just learnt this can be a trait in girls, but she is obsessively attached to her teddies. She has tonnes of them and her most special ones are precious to the extreme. I often think she really does believe they are real living things. It seems to be getting more intense as she gets older. She loves teddies and would have the house full to the brim of them if I allowed.
- She has an incredible memory which really does amaze me sometimes. Her dad is the same (I do suspect he is ASD too). Not sure if this really is a trait or not?
- She’s often very literal but on the other hand she has a great sense of humour and understanding of jokes
- I’ve only just realised this but when she’s happy she does what I think may be some sort of stimming. She jumps up and down and flaps her hands a bit when she’s excited (way more than I’d expect a 9 year old to do), and I can tell when she’s really happy because she will sing constantly
Those are most of what I can think of at the minute, but on the other hand she finds it easy to make friends, is very popular at school and interacts well with her classmates. She’s very academic, is a brilliant story writer and has a great imagination. No problems with making eye contact etc, so a lot of the more obvious signs when I’ve read about ASD aren’t there. But when I’ve researched more into girls with ASD I think she ticks a lot of boxes. She gets on fine in life, but I’ve been reading a lot about girls with ASD getting to secondary school and really struggling, particularly with anxiety, so I’m thinking if there is something there it’s worth getting support earlier rather than later?
Again, I am sorry it’s very long and thank you to anyone who manages to read it all. I do think her teacher will brush it off, but I’m keen to help her as much as I can. Any advice would be massively appreciated!