Handhold after DH cancer diagnosis?

[Scaredas]

Today my DH was told he has a rare form of cancer (stage 2) The cancer seems like it is probably, with luck, treatable from what I'm frantically reading online but I'm in complete shock. I can't stop shaking and am breathing very quickly. Worse that my kids are at home all day today too.

I've already found some amazing support groups online (including here) which I plan to engage with but just wondered if anyone had tips for getting through tonight or words of reassurance for an internet stranger?

We're waiting for further tests and such and it's the uncertainty around it all (what is its worse than they think) is killing me. I was quite level headed and calm for everyone all day and now I feel like my chest is going to explode. He's peacefully sleeping next to me and I'm wondering whether I'm in shock or something.

Just take a pause for a bit, no screens, get yourself a hot drink while the house is quiet and just sit with your thoughts.

You've just taken a big big hit, and you probably need a bit of time for your head and your heart to catch up to each other, the research is a normal phase BUT there is no empathy in a search engine, so try to avoid rabbit holing.

Yes, you are probably in shock, all I can say is just keep on talking to your dh, I found open air was the best. You'll both ricochet with the news, and it will take a bit of time to wrap your head round. Having a firm diagnosis and treatment plan does help.

Thank you sincerely @Timeforabiscuit for your kind and helpful reply. I had a vague feeling that all the scrolling on my phone was making things worse and that confirms it. I'm going to step away and make a cuppa without tech.

That's massively reassuring about the firm diagnosis and treatment plan. And a good reminder that I won't feel like this indefinitely. Thank you again kind stranger on the internet.

It is a huge shock, first thing is, don't go searching on the net, it can and will lead you down all sorts of paths. I remember being in your position on initial diagnosis of my DW, I didn't sleep a wink that night. But let the shock subside, take stock, just do something normal with your DH and DC tomorrow as much as possible. It's shattering news, I know, but you will find a way through once you have a clearer picture.

It is often a bit of a waiting game, but you will get and can ask for all the info you need, specific to you DH, that's the important bit as the days and weeks follow.

Sending you all my very best wishes to you all.

Hi Scaredas, 💐for you. My lovely DH was diagnosed suddenly with a rare form of leukaemia a few years ago so I know just how you're feeling now, the fear that grips at you is like nothing you have ever experienced or can explain.

You're doing just the right thing in reaching out for support and help - engaging in Facebook support groups helped me so much (and continues to to this day, I still attend zoom groups for friends and family so I can support others and am active in our Facebook community). The more you talk the more you're not alone with your thoughts.

The best thing I learnt was to break my coping time into manageable chunks - on my worst days that could be 5 minutes and on my best it could be whole days. That's all I had to get through, and I wasn't allowed to think any further ahead, just get through that period. Squash the fear down and wade on through. Accept help where it's offered, because it will be. Say yes to everyone.

And right now, if you're still reading, play tetris for 20 minutes. All of us, my husband, me and my 2 children, we all have diagnoses of PTSD following his illness. It's been shown that following a sudden trauma (and receiving a sudden diagnosis like this definitely qualifies), playing tetris for 20 minutes helps your brain to process it in the same was EMDR therapy works later (but doesn't take a year and cost thousands of pounds 😂). I wish I'd known about it at the time.

All the best and please don't hesitate to reach out any time.

Thank you both so much and I'm so very sorry that you had to experience this with your other halves too. What wonderful advice - thank you.

I like the idea of doing something normal with the kids tomorrow and the advice to play Tetris is just fantastic and exactly why I love mumsnet.

I know it's been a few months but I hope things are looking better OP ❤️