Friend cancelling

[itswednesdayy]

My childhood friend has a history of making plans just to suddenly say she’s not going at the time we were supposed to meet. She’s done this dozens of times over the years.

I have tried to give her the benefit of the doubt due to her mental health. The cancellations continued so I distanced myself & kept in touch occasionally on socials.

She wanted to go to an expensive restaurant this weekend, I booked a table, but now she hasn’t responded to my message for a few days. This is usually what she does if she isn’t going to go out. She’ll ignore me until the time of the event just to say she can’t go

Annoyingly if she doesn’t go, I’ll be on the hook to pay a no-show free regardless. wwyd?

Next time she books

And call her out from the start every time something is planned.

Defo cancel it

Text her and let her know if she doesn’t respond in a set time you understand that she’s not feeling up to it. Then take someone else.

Also stop doing things with her that need her. This is cruel but I’m not saying don’t do things with her just not things that you’ll have to cancel if she doesn’t go. Invite her to museums or to a nice coffee place or a walk somewhere that you want to go on. You can be there for her without a) putting the pressure on her to do something she’s not up to and b) having to worry about her letting you down.

She's got history but you still made plans 🤷‍♀️

I’m so annoyed with myself cause I did go through a phase of telling her to book things herself as she always cancels! I softened this time cause she’s been alright after I was firm, regretting it now I’m going to be out of pocket

Can’t you go with someone else?

This. You only got yourself to blame OP. Stop being such a chump.

Can you cancel it right now and not pay the cancellation fee?

Is out money on her really wanting to go for that meal with you but anxiety not allowing her to follow it through. I'd also our money in her feeling terrible knowing you will be annoyed.

I agree don't make plans that are dependent on her coming or that leave you out of pocket. Could you message wondering if she's feeling anxious about going and see if she opens up to you?

*I'd put money
Sorry

Find someone else to go with and tell her you've made new plans because she hasn't responded to you.

Have you posted this exact same thing fairly recently? Has she done it again?

Just tell her she needs to pay if she cancels.

I would message her and let her know about the no show cost. I’d also not make any more plans with her. It’s all fine to be understanding of mental health issues but that doesn’t give you a licence to treat people badly. She could be upfront, she could realise she may not be up to going and do the booking herself. Or she could not suggest somewhere fancy that has a no show fee.

Can you cancel now and get a refund? If you can, do it and text her and let her know you've cancelled as you've not heard from her

If she cancels tell her she owes you the whole cancellation fee

Can you get someone else to go with you?

I messaged her the same time I posted this thread and she’s actually replied to me. It’s fine, she’s going.

I feel bad now for jumping to conclusions. It’s weird cause everything is normal when we’re together & she is a good friend so I feel bad for holding a grudge almost and judging her on what’s happened before!

Don't feel guilty for jumping to conclusions. Your mind went there because previous experience told you there's the highest chance she was flaking out on you versus anything else. It's ok to not feel able to trust someone who has repeatedly let you down and proven themselves untrustworthy. Sensible even.

Just because she's good company when she shows up doesn't mean it's ok to treat you like crap other times. If she flakes out of arrangements she should foot any cancellation charges. If she doesn't offer to, that's really selfish. No way would I ever book anything that leaves myself open to that again if a friend did it to me. In fact, I'd not be making arrangements with them again, unless it's genuinely something I was going to go to alone anyway. I'd also cancel on her in a heartbeat if I got a better offer, something I'd never usually do, because I'd be gutted if I missed going somewhere fun with someone else and then she stood me up.

She reminds me of those toxic boyfriends you think you're in love with but really they're trouble, charming while you're in their company but always letting you down and acting like you don't matter whilst expecting you to put up with it and forgive them each time. When really what's best is to walk away and not look back.

I’d just send a tough love message @itswednesdayy dear Flakey friend, I’m rather concerned that your silence means you won’t be attending our agreed meal at X this weekend. Just to point out if that is the case - I will expect you to reimburse the fee of £X.

just send it and see what happens?