So jealous of happy families

[GingleAllTheWay2022]

There's been a lot going on lately that has really brought to a head what a poor relationship my family has with each other. I have quite a big immediate family (parents, siblings, aunt/uncle etc.). We aren't close. We don't socialise together. We don't spend time together at all outside of big 'family' events. If it's an emergency then someone will help someone else out but there's no significant contact on a regular basis.

It just makes me so sad. I know there are plenty of dysfunctional families out there and at least there's no violence/abuse etc. But fuck me how I would love a warm, close family. People who want to spend time with you just because they like to, not just because you're 'family' and they feel obliged to get together for certain events.

No wonder my self esteem is in the toilet. When it feels like your own family don't even like you, why would anyone else?

Do you have children op?

Yes I do. I'm talking about my relationship with my own family, not with my children.

I have a teeny tiny extended family
and I’m a single parent

but… I don’t give a hoot because the two most important people by a huge enormous and gigantic stretch…. Are happy and healthy.

Focus on what you’ve got (which involves children and happy/healthy?) and don’t waste time wishing for an ideal which mumsneta itself reveals to very often not be the ideal (I am talking threads about big extended family gatherings and holidays which seem to involve a bunch of people going away that don’t really like each other! But…. To the outside world would like like the Brady bunch)

My own family is small (me, sister, mother, father) but I know what you mean with regards to big families. My DH family is as you describe. We have nothing to do with them, really. Thus, DS has no grandparents / aunties / uncles on that side. Even though there’s loads of them! They like to gift, that’s more important to them than spending time with us (or anyone).

Sister’s in-laws are the opposite. Lots of hands-on brothers & sisters, who are loving aunties & uncles. Lovely, involved grandparents. Plenty of babysitting & family events / holidays. Big Christmas / birthday celebrations. It’s so nice for their DS. Just glad that we have my mum & dad. But my sister is much more involved with her in-laws than us... Understandably!

It's rubbish OP and I understand your desire for a close, warm family, but the truth is you will drive yourself mad longing for something that just simply isn't reality of your life. Also, it's not the reality of most people's family life - the picture you paint is very much a minority - most people have some level of strained relationships/ dynamics with their family because we do not choose our family.

I have a somewhat dysfunctional family too but I have satisfied my need for good, solid relationships by nurturing a very close and loving circle of friends, chosen carefully, over a number of years. I now have a kind of intimacy with them that I would love with my family, but don't have, and that's OK.

I did this very intentionally so that I would have people to rely on and love spending time with!

There are ways you can get what you need in life and it doesn't have to be from blood relatives.

hey its india,
completely get where u are coming from. most of the time i just live in my own little world rather than spend time with my family. i get jealous of my boyfriend's family because his family is so close and caring and my family makes me want to scream.

all i can say is i find the caringness and understanding from other people in my life and try to remember others have it worse. from india

My family are utter crap too. There have been several cousins who have taken me off Facebook not because we have fallen out but because there is no dialogue. In fact one of them has taken me off twice. If I were to bump into them at any stage they would not be remotely interested. It is not likely anyway as most of them have never had the bottle to leave the county we grew up in.

I get it. I love the idea of a close extended family but mine haven't worked out that way either. Do you have anyone else in your life that you feel close to like friends? I think we should all focus our efforts on those who are good to us and try not to worry about whether they are biological family or not.