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What helped most with grieving a parent.

22 replies

SlaveToTheVibe · 19/01/2023 23:04

My mum died and I am heartbroken.

Two months on and I am falling apart after a good start which I now see was shock.

it feels so lonely as none of my friends have actually lost a parent. DH has been incredible but probably doesn’t know how to help me.

what helped you the most?
what was the best advice you had?

Would appreciate any tips or tricks!
I am desperately sad

thanks

OP posts:
EVHead · 19/01/2023 23:07

Sorry for your loss.

After my dad died I started taking anti-depressants and I went part-time at work.

Time and headspace helped. Some relatives liked to visit places that were significant to them on his birthday etc but I got nothing from that so I grieved in my own way.

Be kind to yourself. The wisest words I have seen are that the grief never goes away, you just get used to living with it.

Usernamenotavailabletryanother · 19/01/2023 23:17

I’m so sorry. When I lost my mum a few years ago, I fell apart.

what helped you the most?

Time. Leaning into the feelings. Bereavement counselling. Finding others who knew what it was like to lose your mum.

what was the best advice you had?

The hole that people leave is differently shaped, as each person and each life is different. What works for one person’s grief may not work for you. Find the things that give you comfort, no matter how fleetingly.

I’m sorry I don’t have any tips or tricks- there’s no shortcut, but try concentrating on putting one foot in front of the other. Just getting through each day, hour, minute is a huge achievement. Be proud of yourself.

In my experience, it gets easier. And I never thought it would.

x

DecommissionedVag · 19/01/2023 23:18

I lost my mum in 2014. It does get easier in time, you adjust to the new 'normal'. A year after she died it occurred to me that as difficult as the year had been, this was the natural order of things. That she had been a good mum, she had nurtured me, imparted wisdom to help me live my life and she wouldn't have wanted me to be eternally grief stricken. Don't get me wrong, I miss her every single day, but you have to try to live your life grateful that you had them and in a way that would make them proud.

BannisterCannister · 19/01/2023 23:23

❤️

AnnieFarmer · 19/01/2023 23:23

So sorry, OP. 💐Had counselling and took antidepressants but what really helped me was exercise (running and swimming). A friend convinced me to do a sponsored half marathon with her so I had an aim and I had to train. It gave me a focus. It improved both my physical and my mental health. Needlework was also very therapeutic.

DecommissionedVag · 19/01/2023 23:23

Also, it's not uncommon to have a delayed reaction to grief. I did very well in the immediate aftermath of my mum's death. After 6 weeks I had a full on breakdown and was sent home from work by my manager, with instructions to get signed off. I was signed off for 2 months and had counselling. This was what I needed and certainly helped me.

I'm so sorry for your loss. Please look after yourself.

AnnieFarmer · 19/01/2023 23:24

DecommissionedVag · 19/01/2023 23:18

I lost my mum in 2014. It does get easier in time, you adjust to the new 'normal'. A year after she died it occurred to me that as difficult as the year had been, this was the natural order of things. That she had been a good mum, she had nurtured me, imparted wisdom to help me live my life and she wouldn't have wanted me to be eternally grief stricken. Don't get me wrong, I miss her every single day, but you have to try to live your life grateful that you had them and in a way that would make them proud.

I also absolutely second this.

AyeCarrumba · 19/01/2023 23:26

DecommissionedVag · 19/01/2023 23:18

I lost my mum in 2014. It does get easier in time, you adjust to the new 'normal'. A year after she died it occurred to me that as difficult as the year had been, this was the natural order of things. That she had been a good mum, she had nurtured me, imparted wisdom to help me live my life and she wouldn't have wanted me to be eternally grief stricken. Don't get me wrong, I miss her every single day, but you have to try to live your life grateful that you had them and in a way that would make them proud.

That's lovely 😊

JupiterFortified · 19/01/2023 23:28

Sorry to hear of your loss. I can’t offer much advice as my dad only died a few weeks ago but people who have been through the same have just told me to take it day by day (or minute by minute if you need to), don’t expect yourself to just bounce back to normal because you’ll be setting yourself up for a fall.

It’s awful and I can understand how you feel xx

Alli13 · 19/01/2023 23:36

My father died almost 11 years ago and although it wasn't unexpected and I managed well for a few weeks I then went into dreadful reactive depression and took 6 months off work. My best advice would be not to carry on as usual, be kind to yourself, and give yourself time to grieve. Don't expect to be able to bounce back quickly. I did, and was quickly floored. Sounds like you are experiencing that.
Speak to your GP. I needed antidepressants, they helped me.
The other advice I would give is that eventually you will remember as I did that you will always carry your parent with you. They are a part of you. A few months after my father's death I walked with my dog and listened to the birds (the names he had taught me) singing and saw the trees (the names he had taught me) and saw a dragonfly resting on a leaf. I knew that my father would always walk with me xxx

Spaghetti201 · 19/01/2023 23:41

When my mum died it felt like I broke. I viewed it like having broken legs, I felt disabled. I couldn’t do anything. And I realised I had to treat it like I would if it was physical - cry it out, rest, and let time heal. It may feel like the sadness will never end, but it does. Emotions come in waves and peak within 1 minute and then descend. It’s cringy quote but “ride the waves” of pain. Suppressing the sadness just prolongs the process.

Teaseall · 19/01/2023 23:52

@SlaveToTheVibe I'm so sorry for your loss.
For me, it's one of the hardest things I'm having to deal with, I lost my dad in August last year and even though I've had other losses it's a big one for me.

I'm definitely a work in progress but things that 'help' me is recognising when I'm struggling with my grief and being truthful about it. I tell people, not the details but I might just say I don't want to talk about it now as I find it too upsetting or I maybe say I going to cry but I'm ok with that just to prepare them.

I also allow time to just 'let it out', might be to sob in the shower or take a drive and howl ... but need to be careful with that one! 😉

sadeyedladyofthelowlandsea · 20/01/2023 00:09

I think what helped me most (my dad died suddenly last year) was just being in the moment. I had overwhelming anger after the shock wore off, and it had absolutely nowhere to go, it was just this huge ball of emotion that I couldn't divert anywhere. So I danced. I danced like a massive twat, almost all day, every day in my kitchen. It didn't achieve anything - other than aching thighs - but it got this horrible knot of anger out of me. I also made a lot of soup, which didn't get eaten, but it made me feel like I was doing something.

Then on days when I was low, I read books I'd loved as a child. Nothing demanding or emotional, just for comfort. Tucked up on the sofa, with a bag of sweets, letting familiar words wash over me.

There is no right or wrong way. My mum just got on with things. My brother went straight back to work. My sister fell apart. I've had a few days where I've sat & howled at the bottom of the stairs. Grief just hits you so oddly, and you have to navigate your own way through. It doesn't matter how many times people say to you 'it'll hit you strangely' - you can prepare yourself for that, but then suddenly there will be a day when out of nowhere the riptide grabs your ankles & drags you out to sea. So just do what feels right for you. And christ is it awful, and I'm so sorry for your loss.

Ladybird69 · 20/01/2023 00:42

I’m so sorry for your loss. When my mum died I used the services of the charity Cruse Bereavement they offer advice and support, they were a great help. And they encouraged me to talk about her whereas everyone else just stopped talking about her, which hurt me so much.

dontgobaconmyheart · 20/01/2023 00:55

So sorry OP.

I think two months on it's very normal to be feeling this way, and for that pain to not have lessened. In a way I think it's also normal to be feeling worse, because initially you will have been in shock and that subsides after a while.

As a society the way we handle grief is not conducive to a quick or healthy recovery from it or particularly nurturing of it. When it is our turn to find ourselves there, only then do we realise how profound and painful a loss like that is.

Finding others who know how it feels was helpful to me, following the ethos of purposeful grieving by way of keeping that person with me where I could - writing to them, 'talking' to them, honouring them on their birthdays or anniversary dates and continuing to love them and cherish our memories whilst purposefully reshaping my 'new' life in line with that loss, because it was very different and loss often leaves a huge gap. They loved us very much and we are still here and need to reshape our lives in the best hope of having a fulfilling and happy one, as they'd have wanted.

In a more practical sense I spoke to cruse bereavement, my counsellor was lovely and so supportive. It meant so much and was exactly what I needed in that moment to hear that I was doing well, that even getting up out of bed and showering in the early days was an achievement and so on- just the genuine acknowledgement from someone who had been there themselves of how bloody awful grief is and how normal my response was, was everything. I also have heard very good things about the Untangle grief app for connecting with other people going through similar things. Reddit was helpful for that too, where there are lots of bereavement forums.

Hearing that time is the best healer for grief can be very enraging and depleting when you are in the early stages but it is a long game and all you can do is support yourself to get to that point by doing whatever you need. I recently hit the first anniversary of a death and was swept off my feet by how much it affected me, it is as though the body remembers even if you aren't date watching.

I'll stop as this is long but you are not alone OP. Sending Comfort.

HeddaGarbled · 20/01/2023 01:21

My job. 8 hours a day of keeping my mind occupied with other stuff.

ClaryFairchild · 20/01/2023 01:35

Letting yourself grieve. I think trying to get over it too fast has the opposite effect. You bottle up the emotions and then when everyone thinks you're doing ok you turn into an emotional, grieving mess and no one expects it.

Go through photo albums, read any letters and cards you have, cuddle a shawl she wore and just CRY.

SlaveToTheVibe · 20/01/2023 03:11

Thank you everybody

and sorry for your losses.

I am so utterly grateful that you all took the time to comfort me.
❤️❤️❤️

OP posts:
Terzani · 20/01/2023 03:19

Give yourself time to grieve, because you need time. Maybe months, maybe a year or more. The pangs of grief come and go like waves, but now the only constant thing is exhaustion, because grief consumes a lot of your energy - it's like the equivalent of a grave physical illness. So don't push yourself to do anything, get as much rest as you can and try to avoid any additional sources of stress, major decisions, difficult projects. Sometimes, even browsing through her things or reminiscing can be unbearable, too much; sometimes, a friend or relative or bereavement counsellor can make you feel even more lonely, or angry, or discouraged - it's ok, you can reject or postpone anything that makes you feel worse.

To me, the only thing that was really helpful after I lost my mum, ten years ago, was journaling, but this happened only a year and a half after her death (I didn't have any counselling). This is how I understood that grief is so painful and exhausting because it is basically a mixture of intense fear and anger: we can't actually understand and accept death, the radical separation and loneliness that comes with losing a dear one, and this is frightening and makes us angry. It may sound obvious; but the fact that I understood this about my own grief, instead of being overwhelmed and unable to process those emotions, was helpful.

Later I remember feeling a small hope when I listened to a sermon - the priest said something like this: if we feel so sad, for so long, after losing a dear one, it just shows that our love for that person was strong and is enduring; love is stronger than death, your bond with the deceased is stronger than death. Then slowly I started to feel better, to see myself through the kind eyes of my mother (instead of blaming and hating myself for the bad things that I've said and done when she was alive) and to get used to this loneliness. Time only heals this sharp pain of grief, not the loneliness - but eventually you will find the power to cope with this loneliness.

Roselilly36 · 20/01/2023 05:33

Just time really, distraction is also good, and letting emotions out when you need too.

When we lost MIL we were all really upset, the first few months were a struggle for us all, and it still is tbh, but in time whilst the grief doesn’t diminish life moves on and the total overwhelming sadness and the loss being on your mind every minute of the day, from when you wake till going to sleep, lessens. You never forgot that raw pain. But I promise it will get easier.

So sorry for your loss OP, it’s a horrible time, I wish I could take the pain away for you Flowers

Atovell · 18/03/2023 01:02

Sorry I know this is very late but I came across this. I’m sorry for your loss. No one can prepare you for the loss of a parent.

you have to sit with your pain. Sit with it. Feel it. Don’t avoid it. Pain and grief is horrible but it’s the natural part in losing someone you love. Don’t avoid it. People mah say keep yourself busy, which in some ways you should as you still need to get on with your life, but you have to a knowledge the pain that you feel. If you don’t, it will rear an ugly head in the future. Remember, this pain won’t last forever. Love and memories do. I hope you are feeling somewhat better now, time is the only healer for anything.

Atovell · 18/03/2023 01:07

Also try and think of death in a different way. It was probably hard at first but once you have overcome that initial first pain, it’s easier. Their body may not be here, but their energy always will be. We are all made up of energy, this will never leave. You may feel them sometimes….that is their energy around you and guiding you. Even though you can’t see them, doesn’t mean they aren’t here. If you feel you aren’t receptive to these feelings, next time you feel them, don’t shrug it off…..

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