Asking for a friend - bf problems

[Iwannabeacrocodilehunter]

Genuinely this is not about me (and I’m asking because I am in no position right now to offer relationship advice myself, having had a recent absolute shit show of my own)

but I have offered use of my MN account to get advice for a friend who has some minor concerns about her boyfriend.

Overview.

BF and friend have been together about 3 months. He had only recently split up from 18 year relationship- his wife’s decision and no cheating or funny business involved. He’s 39 yo and friend is 41.

He is apparently lovely and kind, but he keeps trying to get friend to do things he did in past relationship, such as;

*go on holiday to the same place
*try the same foods
*do certain activities at the weekend

At first friend said it wasn’t that noticeable, but now it’s becoming obvious. He even suggested she should grow her hair as it would look nice long. Ex has long hair.

Friend has mentioned the ex a few times and her BF refuses to discuss. He won’t have anything negative said about her either, not that friend is saying horrible things, but even the slightest thing e.g. when ex was late to drop off their DS.

She is worried that BF is not over Ex and making unconscious mental comparisons all of the time. He’s also lovely to her, so doesn’t want to overthink this and ruin a potentially good thing.

Anyone experienced anything similar? Friend is here until 8ish and able to read responses.

Thanks

Why doesn’t your friend just join mumsnet? Hardly an onerous process

The guy is clearly devastated and still yearning for his ex.

Its not going to be easy after all the years they were together and the fact he didn’t initiate the split.

I would not hang around whilst he gets over her regardless of the fact you may take comfort she no longer wants him (hence no risk of them getting back together)

let this one go……….

Not alarming she’s already met the ex’s DS?!

Does your chum not understand that 18 years is a very long time and he is understandably used to a familiar lifestyle and routine?

He is clearly not ready to love in and your friend is naïve to think she can easily replace someone of 18 years!

She does understand. That’s why she’s thinking about it now before it goes even further.

She hasn’t met the DS. She left earlier than necessary as DS was due over.

How old is the child?

The reason I ask is because I would be wary of someone whose wife had left them if they had young kids. That'd be a red flag to me because I'd be thinking "he must've been no help at all for her to consider raising a young child by herself"

The rest of it wouldn't bother me, but as a PP says he's been in a relationship for a long time and a certain familiarity is maybe comforting.

How old is your friend? What’s her relationship history?

The DS is a teen.

Friend is not complaining here, she just wanted to see whether her instincts are correct or whether they deserve a chance.

Already she thinks her instincts have been confirmed from the few responses.

Friend is 41, single for 5 years.

She just doesn’t want to waste both of their time.

3months in and reservations
very long marriage
kids involved (your friend too?)

No way.

Yes friend has children too.
She said it’s a real shame as he’s a nice guy but seems timing is wrong.

So he didn't make the decision to leave an 18 year long marriage.

Yeah he's not disengaged yet. Maybe not for a while

Lovely as he is he sounds like he's still in denial.

Even if he had instigated the split I would expect a long period before being ready to date again anyway.

She said he seemed to want to move very quickly, making future plans etc and instead of reassuring her, it’s sort of got her spidey senses tingling.

I hope he doesn't want to move in with her too soon.

I would run a mile if someone suggested I changed my hair without being asked for an opinion. It feels controlling and weird.

It took me over a year before I could say I was "over" the breakdown of my 14-15 year relationship (no kids)

The first person I "met" had the same unusual first name 🙈 he fled quickly and I got it.

It's very hard to get out of the habit of your favourite places, eg restaurants, holiday destinations, pubs, even the types of movies you watched together. It's all part of the life they lived and it was his places and things as well as theirs if that makes sense.

I took my current partner to the same holiday villa I've been to with my ex (owned by a family member) he didn't mind and I was there with him not reliving memories of that makes sense.

I wouldn't ditch him based on this but maybe take things slower, be friends for a while longer and let him slowly get over his marriage breakdown and prepare for a new relationship with your friend.

I’d advise her to run. This all sounds very intense. Forgive me, I’ve read the full thread but can’t see if you’ve stated specifically when he split from his wife? It sounds like he’s not over his separation at all, looking for a replacement rather than new relationship both in terms of going back to the same places and suggesting she change her hair. That and the rushing into things plus talking about the future (get her to look up “future faking” and see if it rings true) all suggest someone who has potential to be controlling as time goes on.