Parental drinking and child attitudes

[TortillaChipAddict]

Hi, I’ve been thinking about this a lot recently as I stopped drinking a while ago as I realised I had a problem with it. I wasn’t drinking masses, 1-3 glasses wine at a time, but was drinking alone 3-5 nights a week, relying on it to manage my emotions and was thinking about it throughout the day.

Anyway, it got me thinking about my parents and what I saw them doing growing up. They have always drunk every night as long as I can remember, often get emotional and chatty when drinking (not like this usually), and it’s very much part of the family culture. Always nice beer and nice wine. I thought of myself as a bit of an aficionado before I stopped. I think that’s why I didn’t realise that the level of drinking I saw was problematic - because it wasn’t ‘cheap plonk’ but ‘carefully curated’. But there were incidents of relatives falling down the stairs etc and also talking about things that I found difficult to deal with, which they wouldn’t have said if they weren’t drunk.

So now I’m not drinking I’m wondering what effect that will have on my DC - will they be more likely to be rebellious and drink loads or less likely to drink if they are not seeing regular drinking around them? DH would happily have most nights off and only really drinks when he meets up with his friends in the pub a few times a year. I’d be really interested to know your experiences!

I wasn’t bought up around alcohol at all , but I inherited my absent fathers taste for it !

Ahh the middle class drinker. Myself and my husband both enjoy a drink but parents are very different, mine drink a lot, in laws extremely rarely if ever. I think peers have a much bigger effect on choices, especially in the teen years. All you can do is empower with knowledge and try to set a good example of moderation

Interesting question OP. My Dad was a (functioning) alcoholic and I was given loads of alcohol as a teen. I drank way too much as a teen and in my 20s but since becoming a parent I barely drink at all, because I remember how much I hated seeing my Dad drunk (even though I was getting drunk myself, oddly).
My brother has followed a pretty similar pattern, albeit he had a much more problematic relationship with alcohol in his 20s than I did.

There's a lot of research showing that young people are drinking less generally, so who knows what attitudes will be like when our kids are reaching the ages of drinking...

My late father was an alcoholic. Not a functioning one. 😕i don't drink much... virtually tee total except for the odd glass of fizz on very special occasions.

Lots of my old school friends come from very middle class families where their parents are virtually functioning alcoholics but it's fine because they drink expensive wine in their architect designed kitchen extensions. Their kids have grown up to be the same.

I really resonate with your post OP! My family and extended family are very much middle class drinkers. I’m starting to wonder if I might have an odd relationship with alcohol because of this. I’m just in there considering making a change phase and kind of hope I might get pregnant and have a good time to test out sobriety…

My dh and I have always enjoyed a few glasses at the weekend, and used to drink on weekdays when our kids were younger, but now that they're 18 and 16 they're not showing much interest in it. Their primary school used to give assemblies or pshce lessons on the negative impact of alcohol, in the same way that my school and tv adverts used to do similar for smoking in the seventies/eighties (which was enough to stop me from ever taking up the habit). My boys have also been very sporty, and encouraged by their coaches to be careful what they put in their bodies. They do have friends that drink, so the messages don't get through to all, but I get the impression anecdotally that the current generation of young people drink less than my generation did. (I was regularly out on pub crawls at age 18).

This all sounds very middle class drinking which is easy to pass off as normal and not a problem. Maybe that's true at a certain level.

For a different perspective I grew up pretty poor, no one ever drank wine 😆 Men drank beer and whisky, women drank vodka and coke or g&t if you were older. Everyone drank to get drunk and have a good time.

I carried that on through uni but fell out of love with it and moved towards middle class drinking but don't have much of a taste for that these days either.

My parents still drink heavily and my siblings still go out every weekend night and special occasion and get wasted to the point of falling over and throwing up complete with photos. All stories at Christmas were about what had happened when they were drunk and my nieces and nephews who are all late teens (16-20) are adding their similar stories and even going out to get rat arsed with their parents.

Of late I've been concerned that my younger teen dc are very entertained by these stories glorifying getting pissed. Fortunately we only really meet up at Christmas and my dc and friends are part of the 'my body is a temple' crowd so hopefully no harm.

Research shows that children whose parents don't drink or rarely drink tend to have similar attitudes to alcohol. There are lots of posts on Mumsnet that give the impression that it's the children denied alcohol who go on to develop problems with it. The research does not support this and it's much more monkey see, monkey do.

I don't drink these days and I look back at my teens and very much regret getting drunk. I'm so glad no one had a mobile like they do now. I ended up in some risky situations and it's by the grace of God that nothing untoward ever happened to me.

My parent very rarely drank, maybe at Christmas but it didn't feature in my life when I was growing up at all. As a teen I drank a fair bit, I suppose the same way lots of teens do. Once I hit about 21 it moved to maybe a few times a year. Now I might have a drink on a sunny day in the Summer or maybe at Christmas but I haven't been drunk for years and years and never really have more than one drink. I'm not sure it was down to how I was raised but I do know that all of my siblings are similar. Alcohol just isn't a big part of any of our lives, it just never occurs to me to have a drink really.

I grew up with problem drinkers middle class drinkers for parents. As a young person myself and my siblings all thought drinking every night was completely normal. I was definitely one of the heaviest drinkers of my friends in my twenties. My experience is generally the opposite of your concerns - the more the parents drink the more the offspring drink was the trend in my group of friends. Maybe not on big nights out, that was all pretty equal…but drinking something every night seems to be hereditary. My siblings and I all saw the light in our 30s now and none of us drink, which I think is also quite common eventually for the offspring of middle class drinkers.

My Mother was an abusive alcoholic x prescription drug addict, my father didn't drink. Two siblings ran into trouble with alcohol in their 40s but turned things around. One sibling is an ill alcoholic now. His liver is failing and he's lost everything and everyone except me but considers drink his best friend. DH and I don't drink. I have a mental illness and, when I'm in the depths of despair and need a strong drink ,I'll leave my teabag in my mug! Alcohol wouldn't cross my mind. My 3 grown up DC only drink a few times a month.

My parents have drunk every night my whole life. I do not drink at all and never have done (I'm in my 30s). My brother doesn't drink often but binge drinks when he does.

My parents rarely drank and I don’t drink. I don’t like the taste of most alcoholic drinks. And it just doesn’t cross my mind to drink really. I might have a half measure of vodka or whatever in a cocktail with my friends once or twice a year but that’s about it. And haven’t done that for over a year.

Quite recent studies show that giving children alcohol to “get them used to it” actually encourages problem drinking. You are endorsing drinking to them - shit parenting basically. Sounds like you are doing great and setting a very good example .

I think peers have a greater influence. I met a boozy crowd at my first job and then again at uni and I really associate alcohol with having a good time. DH had a similar crowd and until recently we definitely drank far too much at weekends because of it. My sister didn’t get a part time job at sixth form, her uni friends weren’t drinkers at all, her social circle are mostly tee total to this day and her DH barely drinks too - so she will go months without having anything and when she does it’s like one cider and that’s it. We had exactly the same parenting - alcoholic dad and a mum that drinks a little on social occasions but I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve seen her drunk in my life.

My parents have a glass of wine nearly every night with dinner (a bottle will last them both 3-4 days so small glasses). I sometimes do, sometimes don’t. I was allowed a tiny glass from about 13. I really enjoy cooking and paring food with wine. When I was pregnant I had a glass of champagne at new year and Christmas. It was a treat for me, didn’t crave it but really enjoyed my small glass. We have a full wine rack, but on average we drink 1-2 bottles a week between us. Sometimes none at all, if we have friends over we can drink a bottle each. I’m happy with my relationship with alcohol. I used to be a smoker and that was worse as that I admit was a proper addiction, but never felt like that with alcohol.

Great insight!

My DM drinks a lot, borderline alcoholic I would say and has got worse, my DF hardly drank, if he was it'd be those small bottles of beer on a weekend but I've never seen him drunk, they split when I was 13. My friends drank a lot (over the field at 14 etc) so I've been very much exposed to it but I hardly drink unless I'm going out. Hardly drink the house, had one glass of Prosecco at Christmas and that's it. My brother is the same, we're just not interested and roll our eyes at our DM.

Is it because she drinks a lot it's put me off or do we just take after our DF?

Wow thanks for all the responses, this is really fascinating. Yes I hold my hands up I am very middle class! I forgot to mention that I was given wine with meals from the age of 9 - very French apparently at the time, but I think wasn’t great as I got a taste for red wine pretty early on! Also interesting what people are saying about peers - I have only ever drunk wine because anything else gives me heartburn, so as a teenager and student I appeared pretty tame compared to people drinking alcopops and spirits and mixers. But I think I had a less healthy relationship with alcohol than a lot of my friends at the time.

I’m mid 30s now and recently had a drink with a meal when out with friends after having not drunk for months and realised that I was still easily outpacing them without really noticing. Turns out that maybe moderation isn’t for me, will stick to the fizzy water next time!

Very pertinent comments re kids. I think what I want mine to know is that emotions are ok to express any time, not just when under the influence of something.

I think what I want mine to know is that emotions are ok to express any time, not just when under the influence of something.

Such a good point. I think one reason I drank so much as a teen was because I had no confidence unless I was drunk, then I was the life and soul. Similarly I kept a lot of shit hidden inside until drunk. I also relate strongly to the comment a PP made about thank God nothing bad happened. I put myself in some very stupid situations.

Good to know that research supports the minimal drinking parents - minimal drinking kids equation.

It's an interesting one - my parents drank daily and I saw it as normal. What I didn't realise until much later was that my mother drank to cover up undiagnosed and untreated PTSD from WW2 trauma (I am old). After my father was diagnosed with dementia, her drinking spiralled out of control and it killed her.

I didn't drink much in my twenties because I was too broke, but once I got married and financially comfortable it was a different story and I followed my parents' pattern. My husband also drank a lot and became a functioning (and later non-functioning) alcoholic.

I had a bit of a revelation in 2015 and did a dry month which completely reset my relationship with alcohol and now I drink very little. One of my DC doesn't drink at all, one drinks occasionally with their fellow students. That generation definitely has a better attitude towards alcohol.

@pointythings I’m so sorry to hear about your mum. Do you mind me asking how old your children are? When I was at uni 15 years ago there was very much still a big drinking culture - it looks like this is less now?

@TortillaChipAddict they're 22 and 20 - oldest is a graduate, youngest is in second year. The hard drinking culture has definitely changed - there are still students who drink often and in large amounts, but it is completely socially acceptable not to drink often, or at all. Neither of mine has reported any pressure to drink when they've said no thanks.

For me it would depends on exactly how it affects her.

As a functioning alcoholic, her tolerance is likely to be much higher so a bottle of wine may not have the same effects as it would an occasional drinker.

Moreover, how quickly does she consume said bottle of wine? A bottle of wine spread across an evening is not going to make someone drunk to the point of being unable to care for a child, in my opinion. If she's glugging it within a an hour or two that's a different story.

Wrong thread ....