Looking for help on calmer confrontations

[Teapleasebobb]

So, I had an issue with a parent at a child's party yesterday (dc felt like they were being bullied by the parent), this had built up for a while and yesterday was the straw that broke the camels back, I was absolutely fuming and called the parent and went in all guns blazing. I was so angry that they had made my child feel that way.

So whilst I don't regret having the conversation as it's unacceptable for an adult to make a child feel that way, I wish that I had been calm for the conversation and I wasn’t so angry and shouty.
I was so angry yesterday and felt that I couldn't let it go and couldn't calm down before I spoke with the parent, I felt that I absolutely had to have the conversation there and then (dh said wait until I had calmed down, but I was having none of it).
Now, on reflection, it was a heated conversation (my part was heated) and I wish that I had had the conversation calmly, but I was just so furious. I spoke with this parent again today but in a much calmer way, still reiterating the issue.

Now, looking back, I have done this a few times before, when someone has done something shitty that has affected one of my dcs, I've gone on to have a raging conversation with them about it, then regretted that I hadn't been calm, however, I don’t know how to be calm in this situation! Even when something had happened a week before (different situation) I was still angry when I spoke with the parent a week later and couldnt take the emotion out of the conversation. I can’t seem to calm down at all before I confront them about it, even time doesn’t calm me down, i can’t seem to take the emotion out of the situation and talk about it in a calm way.

So anyway, my question is, can anyone suggest any tips/ideas/books that can help me to take the emotion out of situations like this so that I can deal with them in a factual, calm and non emotional way?

It’s hard to control ourselves when it comes to defending our kids, especially if it was an adult being mean to them. Here are my suggestions

Write it down first - make it a rule that you have to write down what you want to say before you talk to that person so you give yourself the time to calm down and also rationalise your thoughts

Turn your phone off - when you feel the tension rising turn off your phone, this allows you to disconnect and stops the temptation to ring right away. Find something else to do and come back to it in 10 mins when you’re not as angry.

Great tips, thank you! especially the writing it down! I think also that if I wrote it down and then came back to it, I'll read the emotion and hopefully it'll make me realise that it's too harsh!
It's the calming down when I'm furious that I really struggle with!

Meditate. A lot of it involves practising noticing your thoughts and feelings without getting carried away by them.

I've recently set myself the rule of meditating or breathing for at least 5mins before I do any mindless faffing about on my phone. I love faffing on my phone, so have consequently done lots of meditating. I'm only new to it but am honestly feeling noticeably different.

Also, is there anything deeper going on? Certain types on situations, where your DC has been affected, have had you especially angry. Maybe there something in your life or past that makes you particularly alert to this sort of problem? Maybe the anger is misplaced on the parent, and actually belongs with someone else or a different situation.

Thank you. I'm have actually never meditated before but I think it could help, I am generally a an anxious fretter too so this could benefit me in other ways also.
Now, in both situations I am thinking about, I don't like the parents that my anger was aimed at. Both of them show bulling behaviours, dh worked with one of them and he made his work life so much harder with his lack of teamwork and changing plans at the last minute (as well as being rude and unpleasant to dc on occasion, which we didn't challenge at the time) and with the other one, he has shown abusive traits, he's financially abusive imo and his partner gets very anxious when she has to talk about money with him, so actually, I already had a dislike of them so I guess it was quicker and easier to get pissed off with them iyswim?

Hi, I would suggest reading The Chimp Paradox by Steve Peters, which is excellent for explaining how the different parts of the brain work and how to manage 'your chimp' (immediate emotional reaction). It really helps to have an understanding of why you react in certain ways, and how to manage such situations in a way that is less emotional and confrontational. It's perfectly normal to do as you have done and that's fine; but the book suggest other ways to achieve the same ends that involve less emotional energy (which can be exhausting).

How old is your child?

Perhaps explaining to them there are dicks and bullies in the world so if something happens you have a code, shrugging shoulders, rolling eyes, yeah a Karen/Kyle/gammon etc.

So you diffuse what sets you off. Which is harm to your kid. Then you might contribute to showing your kid there are just people like that and as they grow they know to just roll their eyes and not take it personally.

We deal with football parents, oh my word. There is a ref on the pitch eh and it's not the FA cup final

Thanks @soddingspiderseason I've just ordered that book! I feel that when my confrontation is so heated, that I'm the bad guy and it overshadows the issue I'm dealing with and that then becomes the issue.

@frozendaisy we do do this usually but occasionally something happens that goes beyond just being a dick and moves in to bullying or a real injustice and I just can't help but get so angry about it and then when talking to that person about it I'm angry and shouty. I need to control myself at that point and I just can't seem to!

You are reacting with animal instinct to defend your young.

First step is to recognise it is an animal instinct, and unhelpful when you need civilised reasoning

Are you having these conversations standing up or sitting down? Sit down for your phone call, or face to face discussion, it does take a lot of the heat out.

That might help for a start

I don't want to derail, but don't teach your child these awful stereotypes.

I've been on the receiving end of a similar rant to the ones you've described OP from a relative. The person's reaction was disproportionate to what had happened, completely focussed on a skewed take on things and failed to recognise the issues with the child's behaviour, which was dismissed rather than addressed. You really do need to sit on your hands and not react. Writing things down is cathartic and helps you to vent in order to then analyse and work out how best to deal with things.

Plan what you need to say first.

And think "what would hugh grant say". Think English gentleman 🤣

Never raise your voice. The minutevtaht happens you have lost the argument.

Be calm. Speak slowly and carefully and say as few words as possible to have the maximum impact.

You shouldn't have phoned her afterwards. You should have stepped in at teh time as. Y then you have made yourself more angry by dwelling.

A simple." Please don't speak to my child like that" at the time and then walk away would have stopped all this