Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

No play dates at all

22 replies

QuertyGirl · 16/01/2023 17:19

My DS(6) has a lovely best friend at school. At least he seems lovely when I see them together after or before school. Hardly know him.

I've tried to arrange play dates for them. Suggested park, my house drop off, my house parent stays and all have been politely declined.

I've stopped asking now.

Thing is, they're clearly trying to arrange it between themselves. It's really sad.

I suspect it's me, not him. I'm sort of the scruffy hippy type and his Mum is very much more polished. I think she's very career driven too. I know this boy has play dates with other kids as well.

My son is NT (I am not) polite and well behaved.

How do I deal with this?

OP posts:
superplumb · 16/01/2023 17:31

Aww I don't think you can. What does the mum say when she declines?

Original poster
QuertyGirl · 16/01/2023 17:35

Previously it was just that they were busy.

The last couple of times there has been no response.

DS has no idea I'd even asked

OP posts:
FatAgainItsLettuceTime · 16/01/2023 17:45

I hate play dates, for a few reasons.

I work full time so by the time I'm done with work it's too late for a weekday play date. Which means it has to be weekends when I have eleventy billion things to do because I can't do them during the week and I'd also like the opportunity to do fun stuff out of the house with my DD and DH or to just slob on the sofa in my PJs.

However DD likes them so I have a small number of parents in a similar situation and we set them up around work and in a way that we know will work, we're clear on timings, we know we can't be loosey goosey on being late because there's other stuff planned.......

It's possible that this mum has a similar relationship with the parents of the kids that she's setting up play dates with.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

6 year olds Families
Original poster
QuertyGirl · 16/01/2023 18:11

Ah, so it's more about the relationship between the parents than between the kids.

OP posts:
SheWoreYellow · 16/01/2023 18:14

QuertyGirl · 16/01/2023 18:11

Ah, so it's more about the relationship between the parents than between the kids.

Not for all play dates by age six, for all people. By then IME it was about what the children wanted in most cases. But you may find there are some parents who ask their friend over with their child, or has their friend’s child over as a favour and that uses all their time up.

Ginger1982 · 16/01/2023 18:17

QuertyGirl · 16/01/2023 18:11

Ah, so it's more about the relationship between the parents than between the kids.

I would say yes. I'm in a chat group with other prospective P1 mums which started through Facebook before DC started school. Although I let him pick who he wants to invite to play dates, I probably do tend to subtly gravitate him towards the kids of the mums I've become more friendly with. But by the same token, I like to think I'm welcoming to all, so various mums have been to my house.

Thereisnolight · 16/01/2023 18:23

The other parent sounds like a cow.
You’ll get posters saying “she doesn’t have to have a play date if she doesn’t want to” - but her child wants to. And she arranges play dates with other children, just not with her child’s actual friend. She’s happy to disappoint her own child - and another child, and a mum who has reached out a hand in friendship - because she is a cold, snooty, social-climbing cow.

harrassedmumto3 · 16/01/2023 18:25

I would have jumped at the chance when mine were little, OP!
Don't let her get you down - clearly she's not worth it.

WestOfWestminster · 16/01/2023 18:27

Its probably more about limited time, especially as you say this mum works. Don't take it personally, it could be she feels if she says yes then she'll have to reciprocate and she just doesn't have time.

Or perhaps her child is saying to her at home that he doesnt want a playdate, but she doesn't want to upset you by going into the reasons why.

Its likely whatever the reason is it'll be more about her than something personal against you or your child

ExactlyasIsaid · 16/01/2023 18:31

I know he would like this particular child to come over but could you invite a different child over instead?
In my experience, having any friend round to play is exciting and fun and he won't be thinking he wishes it was the other child there instead.

For whatever reason, the other mum isn't keen on a playdate with you. I wouldn't worry about it or take it personally.

DuplicateUserName · 16/01/2023 18:36

There's nothing to 'deal with' at this stage.

He's only 6, there's plenty of time for play dates as he gets older, or makes more friends.

VyeBrator · 16/01/2023 18:39

Thereisnolight · 16/01/2023 18:23

The other parent sounds like a cow.
You’ll get posters saying “she doesn’t have to have a play date if she doesn’t want to” - but her child wants to. And she arranges play dates with other children, just not with her child’s actual friend. She’s happy to disappoint her own child - and another child, and a mum who has reached out a hand in friendship - because she is a cold, snooty, social-climbing cow.

Oh wind the hatred in for goodness sake.

You have literally no idea why this woman is refusing play dates, none whatsoever.

Iwritethissittinginthekitchensink · 16/01/2023 18:46

Have you tried suggesting anything that needs zero effort from the other parent?

eg collect the kids from school for play/dinner and then drop the kid back at their house before bedtime.

Original poster
QuertyGirl · 16/01/2023 18:48

Iwritethissittinginthekitchensink · 16/01/2023 18:46

Have you tried suggesting anything that needs zero effort from the other parent?

eg collect the kids from school for play/dinner and then drop the kid back at their house before bedtime.

Yep! Too busy

I work too, albeit part time.

OP posts:
Prinnny · 16/01/2023 18:53

If she’s having other kids over then it does sound like it’s you that she’s got the issue with. Forget her she sounds like a cow. I agree with with PP invite some other kids over. Has your son ever had a birthday party? Just wondering if stuck up mum fetched her son?

PinkSyCo · 16/01/2023 18:57

I think 6 is still quite young. I’m not sure I’d want my 6 year old going to the home of someone I didn’t know at least a little bit. Do you chat much with this mum on the school run OP?

GeorgiaGirl52 · 16/01/2023 19:04

When my DDs were primary age, I agreed to playdates and overnights only if the other girls involved were living with single mothers and had no older brothers. I was working 8-10 hours a day, I did not know the school parents well, and I thought "Better safe than sorry". It may be that the other child's mother has some prescriptive rules too. Like "no playdates if there are dogs," etc.

Rubyupbeat · 16/01/2023 21:44

Thereisnolight · 16/01/2023 18:23

The other parent sounds like a cow.
You’ll get posters saying “she doesn’t have to have a play date if she doesn’t want to” - but her child wants to. And she arranges play dates with other children, just not with her child’s actual friend. She’s happy to disappoint her own child - and another child, and a mum who has reached out a hand in friendship - because she is a cold, snooty, social-climbing cow.

I totally agree!

whattodo1975 · 16/01/2023 21:53

GeorgiaGirl52 · 16/01/2023 19:04

When my DDs were primary age, I agreed to playdates and overnights only if the other girls involved were living with single mothers and had no older brothers. I was working 8-10 hours a day, I did not know the school parents well, and I thought "Better safe than sorry". It may be that the other child's mother has some prescriptive rules too. Like "no playdates if there are dogs," etc.

So you wouldn’t let your child go to play date if the other kid’s dad was there?

JohnnyMcGrathSaysFuckOff · 16/01/2023 21:59

Cold social climbing cow is a bit much!

A number of working mums I know have routine "playdates" that are actually childcare, so Mum A has 2 kids on Mon after school and Mum B reciprocates.on Tues etc.

Likely the other playdates are this and the 6yo obviously doesn't realise.

I can't do playdates after school due to work and weekends are insane.

Equally her son may not be as keen. DD1 sometimes got caught up playing with kids who bossed her around and then didn't feel able to say no to them. So we protected her by saying no for her. Are you sure the other boy is keen?

TheYearOfSmallThings · 16/01/2023 22:12

I would encourage playdates with other kids, because as he gets older your DS will want to do things outside school, and if his best friend isn't going to be available, he will need other friends.

Secondly, when your son asks you to set up a playdate with his best friend, I think it is fine to say firmly that you have tried, but his friend's mother doesn't want to, so you are not going to keep trying. However you can certainly set up a playdate with Y instead, if he would like.

Daisybuttercup12345 · 17/01/2023 00:14

Never had playdates. Would drive me mad. But we lived in a culture de sac with a couple of dozen kids all playing out so was never a problem..
If you must have them then try meet ups in half term. Other parents may have a bit more time then than on regular weekdays.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page