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Original poster

Feel hurt and used

52 replies

Hurtaboutit · 16/01/2023 15:29

A few months ago a friend was struggling and needed some bits for her baby that was due . I’m not well off but asked her what she needed and got her some things, not the best brands but new.

She was really grateful and told me on a few occasions she was using the bits. She then seemed to not respond as much if I messaged and she didn’t call often I thought maybe she was busy but I didn’t want to pressure her and keep on

Anyway I’ve just seen she’s selling everything I got her. New, unused, tags on. So she didn’t need it and lied saying she had used it I feel so hurt and stupid

OP posts:
prettyrainbows · 16/01/2023 16:30

Oh, and do not help her anymore. You're only used if you allow yourself to be OP. know your worth.

uncomfortablydumb53 · 16/01/2023 16:33

I'd message her saying you'd seen the items, and as she was dishonest , you want the items back for someone genuinely in need

LaLuz7 · 16/01/2023 17:11

gamerchick · 16/01/2023 16:26

A gift is a gift

Show quote history

No. It's not. Context matter. This was not a regular gift, it was a charity gift, only offered because the friend misrepresented her circumstances to elicit pity. It's more akin to fraud.

LaLuz7 · 16/01/2023 17:13

gamerchick · 16/01/2023 16:26

A gift is a gift

Show quote history

If you gift me money to help out with my cancer treatment and later find out I never had cancer and used the money on shoes... I guess you can't feel used or ask for it back because "a gift is a gift".

Gotcha!

Bunce1 · 16/01/2023 17:14

You’ve spent lots of money on her! That’s insane. You need to tackle this and establish your boundaries and I promise you you’ll feel better for it. You have nothing to lose from this! She’s not a mate.

Tamarindtree · 16/01/2023 17:19

You sound like you are a lovely, caring friend, op.

She has shot herself in the foot because you can’t put a price on a good friend. Over the course of time you would have probably continued to have been generous as well as providing support with child care/lifts etc and just being there for her.

She may have got away with a haul of goods this time but you will never be duped by her again nor help her out.

You can hold your head high, she will always be a lowlife.

Mossball · 16/01/2023 17:21

That's a lot of stuff to buy for a friend. Are you normally so generous? Nice as it is for you to do this I do wonder at it - you have basically bought everything the baby needs. If you were her sister or mum I'd understand but for a friend I think it's odd. Was she expecting you too?

Emmamoo89 · 16/01/2023 17:23

Demand them back

Luckingfovely · 16/01/2023 17:24

Please do at least do something. Don't let her get away with it, even if confrontation is awkward.

LaLuz7 · 16/01/2023 17:27

Blendy · 16/01/2023 16:14

people treat you how you let them 🤷🏾‍♀️

Yep. Hard to swallow truth, but so liberating.

You teach people how to treat you either by standing up for yourself or by being a weak doormat. Your choice.

LIZS · 16/01/2023 17:30

Why were you doing her school runs? She sees you as a doormat, and has little respect as a result. Text her saying you note she is selling the items you bought on her behalf, is she planning to reimburse you.

toocold54 · 16/01/2023 17:50

Going against the grain but I wonder if she did need them but told other people the same thing too so ended up having doubles.
But she told you she was using them as she didn’t want to hurt your feelings.

She is going to have ‘cooled off’ from the friendship a bit of she’s got a young baby and is barely sleeping, let alone anything else.

I would probably give her the benefit of the doubt on this one but be aware that she could be a bit of a CF.
You’ll know when she next reaches out to you whether it’s to ask how you are/to meet up or to ask a favour.

LaLuz7 · 16/01/2023 17:54

toocold54 · 16/01/2023 17:50

Going against the grain but I wonder if she did need them but told other people the same thing too so ended up having doubles.
But she told you she was using them as she didn’t want to hurt your feelings.

She is going to have ‘cooled off’ from the friendship a bit of she’s got a young baby and is barely sleeping, let alone anything else.

I would probably give her the benefit of the doubt on this one but be aware that she could be a bit of a CF.
You’ll know when she next reaches out to you whether it’s to ask how you are/to meet up or to ask a favour.

If she ended up having doubles, isn't it amazing that she didn't keep one single thing she got from OP? How likely is it that 1) she got everything in doubles and 2) everything was either the same brand/color or she preferred the other item over the one she got from OP?

Nah, didn't happen.

Plus, if that was the case, the decent thing to do would have been to return them...

Unsure33 · 16/01/2023 17:57

I would put a message on where she is selling and say can you have them for free as you have a friend in need? Then don’t do anymore favours for her at all .

simplefree · 16/01/2023 18:01

I would be tempted to pose as a buyer and pretend I’m interested in buying, ask loads of questions then reveal myself - just for fun!

Or confront

Where is she selling it?

Original poster
Hurtaboutit · 16/01/2023 18:06

LIZS · 16/01/2023 17:30

Why were you doing her school runs? She sees you as a doormat, and has little respect as a result. Text her saying you note she is selling the items you bought on her behalf, is she planning to reimburse you.

at the end of her pregnancy she had a really bad back so I did a few drop offs and when baby was new it was freezing and I walk past her house so that wasn’t any trouble . I just can see in hindsight a pattern of more contact when she needed something

OP posts:
Original poster
Hurtaboutit · 16/01/2023 18:08

Mossball · 16/01/2023 17:21

That's a lot of stuff to buy for a friend. Are you normally so generous? Nice as it is for you to do this I do wonder at it - you have basically bought everything the baby needs. If you were her sister or mum I'd understand but for a friend I think it's odd. Was she expecting you too?

Luckily it wasn’t expensive most from asda but she is quite isolated no family support and her dp works away a lot so I just wanted to help as she kept getting tearful. I think In future I will think twice about helping anyone

OP posts:
GotAnyGrapez · 16/01/2023 18:10

I had a "friend" like this.

Block and delete. If she tries to talk to you in person just simply say "oh sorry I'm in a rush catch you later." Rinse & repeat.

These people never learn, they just move on to leach off the next person.

drpet49 · 16/01/2023 18:21

LaLuz7 · 16/01/2023 17:11

No. It's not. Context matter. This was not a regular gift, it was a charity gift, only offered because the friend misrepresented her circumstances to elicit pity. It's more akin to fraud.

Show quote history

I agree. Friend is a nasty piece of work. I wonder how many people she has done this to.

grapehyacinthisactuallyblue · 16/01/2023 18:31

I'm not sure. Maybe she had more offer than she expected, and it was duplicate gift. And if it was the case, polite thing to say is they are grateful and using them.
When she said she was struggling, did she ask for the specific items? Or you just gave her random stuff? Or maybe she didn't like what she's got. I know beggers can't be choosers and all that, but maybe she wasn't that desperate, she may have been struggling to pay for other stuff. Maybe she needed extra cash so she needed to sell them, but couldn't ask you for money. Who knows?
If you feel hurt, don't help her anymore. But unless you know that she has done this on purpose, I'd pretend I didn't see it.

gravyriceandchips · 16/01/2023 18:36

Where are they up,for sale?

I'd enquire about them

Maytodecember · 16/01/2023 18:37

gamerchick · 16/01/2023 16:01

And yet there's another thread running with the majority of responses saying you have no control over a gift when you give it and people have the right to sell them.

Make your mind up.

But a gift is usually unsolicited. The “friend” gave a sob story to elicit these items ( needed them so desperately) , then lied that she’s used them and will now benefit from things she didn’t need in the first place .
I can only assume OP that she’d tapped several people for baby items. I’d feel used too.

Choconut · 16/01/2023 18:37

She's a CF and absolutely taking the piss. No need to be confrontational, email her and say, Hi, if you don't want the items that I gave you could you please return them and I'll take them back and get my money back. Thanks.

That way she knows that you know what she's doing and she's either going to have to return it to you and explain or block and blank you (which would really be no loss).

pigwood · 16/01/2023 18:39

OP you sound lovely , I don't like confrontation but have got better at calling people out who have taken advantage . I can recommend it because it makes you so proud of yourself and why should you be the one sitting there feeling shit ?

ThreeRingCircus · 16/01/2023 18:42

OP I hate confrontation too but you really need to say something here, you don't have to go mad and just be calm and factual. Personally I'd say:

"Hi X. I've noticed you're selling all the items I bought for you when you told me you were in need. Are you planning on reimbursing me with the money raised as I wouldn't have bought them if it hadn't been for you specifically telling me that you needed them."

Then block her, cheeky cow.