Is this an ASD/ADHD thing?

[freespirit333]

DS7 on the pathway for both conditions.

He is often rude/hurtful in what I think he feels is a jokey way. For example my parents bought him a board game for Christmas which he’s enjoyed playing, when I asked him to tell them how he’d found it, he said “it’s the worst game ever, so boring”, in a jokey way but I find it so rude and offensive.

He does the same kind of thing quite often, will say oh I had the worst time doing xyz (something he enjoyed). Sometimes if I then say well we won’t do it again then, he says “just kidding”. None of these things are said in a stroppy way but with this kind of smirky attitude.

Just wondering if this is an ASD/ADHD “thing”, and how to handle it (other than the obvious correcting) or if it’s just a typical 7 year old thing…

Just sounds rude and a bit arrogant to me.

My ds (10) with adhd doesn't do this. He will definitely tell me if he doesn't like something but will always fake it to the person who gave it him if he really didn't like it as he wouldn't want to hurt them.

Definitely not typical of anyone I know with ADHD including me and DH.

If ds doesn't like something, he will say but privately to me and will say thank you to the gifter.

My DS10 (ASD) can be a bit like this, but in his case, he's mimicking behaviour he's seen from YouTubers doing pranks and he doesn't have the social skills to realise it's inappropriate on his own. I told him; he makes an effort to stop now he knows.

It's not ADHD, sorry 😂. He's just being a bit of a dick.

I think yes potentially (although of course it varies) as it's a failure of social communication - not having the theory of mind to grasp the need to white lie in some situations and/or poor reading of facial expressions (hence the back tracking).

My DD with same diagnosis does this.

No magic solution but explain the concept of thanking for gifts/say why 'joke' isn't funny calmly. I do thank you cards with a pic of her on. Safer!

It’s hard to say but it doesn’t sound like a common behaviour of ASD or ADHD.

Possibly he’s realised that giving a fake bad reaction gets him attention so instead of saying anything like ‘we won’t do that again’, if he said he didn’t enjoy it (and you know he’s lying) I’d just say ‘ok’ and when he says ‘kidding’ don’t reply or a simple ‘ok’. Ask your family to do the same and when he gives a genuine response, lots of praise and attention ‘thank you for showing how grateful you were for that present’ ‘I love hearing how much fun you’ve had today, I’ve really enjoyed spending the time with you too’

My DD is not horrible or rude generally by the way!

My eldest son is 7 in July and likes to be a joker and will often come out with things like this but not with the smirky attitude. He's trying out his jokes and on people to see how they're received. He'll say in response to "how's your dinner" "rubbish" followed by a quick "only joking" could it be the same with your son?

I'd say it's this too.

Ds 14 asd suspected would say the exact same. He once straight faced asked dh if I was the best he could do. It really hurt me tbh. Not the words but his tone was so serious..

It’s clearly meant to be a joke, to be clear - he did like the board game. But because it does come across quite arrogantly, it feels very rude. So he’s not saying “I didn’t like it” in a blunt way, which perhaps I would’ve thought more typical of ASD. It’s like he has this mean sense of humour!

Yes @Haribo16 sounds similar. He is a joker and can be genuinely funny but he really misses the mark a lot of the time and it’s rude.

AuDHD Adult here 👋

I would assume he has quite a dry sense of humour (think Jack Dee) and this is his attempt at sarcasm. But since he is just a 7yr old boy who literally has a disability which affects his ability to gauge social interactions and communication then he’s not quite getting it right…

I have an ASD/ADHD child and his idea of a joke is not what others would consider a joke. He makes himself laugh 🙄. It sounds to me to be part of the communication disorder but you need to correct him every time he does it because it's just rude. He may not appreciate how rude but I've had to do this myself with my son. They have to learn. God it's hard work at times

@freefreespirit333 sounds like he is experimenting with humour to me like my son. He got a joke book for Christmas as he just loves to be funny. Doesn't always get it right but I'm quick to tell him when something isn't funny.

This is what I'd think too.

He's going for dry sarcasm, but doesn't have the skills (yet) to carry it off. Those social situation gauging skills being additionally hampered by ASD.

Either way, presuming smart, and reasonably kind, you should be able to explain this to him.

Everyone in my family does this... as a joke!! For example, if we are booked to go to a theme park, we'll all say in a silly voice "oh DS doesn't like rollercoasters, he doesn't want to have fun at the theme park, worst day ever'l It's a complete joke in serious voices but with smiles on our faces. Could he be doing that?

My DS8 attempts the sarcasm himself now and is genuinely funny.

I not sure if it would be asd, I am autistic and do not understand that at all why would you say something not true even as a joke? I could not have done that as a child or even now but I massively struggle/d with communication anyway

I hope you took the game away ! That's just rude and spoilt you can't blame everything on autism for gods sake.

I agree.

Two autistic DC and a third on the pathway. Trying to joke/be witty and trying to be sarcastic often backfires as they struggle to judge their audience, their own tone of voice, and how well such comments will be received. Problems with social communication are a known facet of autism.

Social stories around gift giving, manners, jokes, etc can help. There are free ones online or you could write your own alongside demonstrations of the behaviour you want to see so he can mirror it and gentle correction when he gets it wrong (with a clear explanation of how he got it wrong and what he could do next time). My DC also respond well to 'scripting' where we practice scripted responses they can use - for example "what do we say when Nanny asks if you liked your gift?" and then practice some appropriate responses, Dc have said this helps them a lot when they're unsure what to do/say.

Except autism is a developmental disability and one of its known traits is difficulty with social communication. When an autistic child behaves in a way that is socially inappropriate then its best to assume that this is down to social communication difficulties and to attempt to manage these in a developmentally appropriate way rather than calling them rude and spoilt from the get-go. It's very often lack of understanding rather than naughtiness.

@ukholidayseeker yes it is tricky to know, and I guess it depends on the context/tone/rest of the conversation as to whether it’s appropriate to be funny or not.

@Iam4eels quite. Hence why I didn’t tell him off there and then, just corrected him. I did give him a stern chat later on and he said he will apologise to my parents. He claims he was trying to be funny.

It’s hard as sometimes his wit is spot on, and he’s been like that from an early age. A couple of years ago when DH and I were really exasperated with his younger sibling who was playing up in the car, DS said in a really dry way “why don’t we leave him in a tree as a snack for the owls”. It was hilarious and so obvious that he was joking that it wasn’t inappropriate (he was reflecting how the rest of us felt!). But sometimes his “jokes” make me cringe as it just makes him seem obnoxious and spoiled.

@Todaynotalways yes he’s definitely smart, and I think he is kind at his core - it’s hard to say sometimes as he can be pretty awful.

I’ve explained to him and made a wider reference to the fact that none of us find these “mean jokes” funny. I hope it sinks in. Problem is he sometimes does that kind of thing to be silly/wind me up. Sometimes I can take it well humoured but other times it just irritates me.