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Original poster

Advice about distressed 2.5 year old

11 replies

toddlermum83 · 14/01/2023 13:42

Just looking for ANY wisdom or words of advice about our son's behaviour at the moment...

Context is he's a happy and very very confident boy (2.5yrs) and has attended part-time nursery since 18 months, no problems. Sleep has always been good, with the occasional regression at key milestone moments, but otherwise good.

Family is secure / no changes recently, except that over Christmas nursery closed and he was at home with me and DH for those two weeks.

Since returning to work / nursery at start of January we've seen the following new behaviours / emotions from him which is steadily getting worse everyday.

  • crying and really distressed at nursery drop-off (though staff say he's happy 5 minutes after we've gone and happy all day)
  • crying and desperate not to leave nursery at pick up. Crying out after his carers, hysterically saying he misses his carers and not wanting to leave. Running away and hiding so not to leave. (Subsequently happy at home during evening).
  • bedtime absolutely awful - desperate for us not to leave the room. Crying hysterically. Calling for Dad / Mum whoever isn't there, then wanting the other one. Trying to get out of his sleeping bag, crying and really distressed. Until he wears himself out. Bedtime taking around 1.5 hours. Usually falls asleep around 9. Bedtime is usually 7.30/7.45 after bath at 7. etc.
  • early wake ups. (He can't be getting enough sleep). Used to wake at 7.00 ish, and now it's getting earlier and earlier.

We've tried reading more and more books at bedtime to tire him out, as he's happy doing that but screams when it's time to get into bed.

We've tried different things but each of these times of day are getting worse and worse. Lunchtime naps at home are also awful, taking an hour to go down though he does seem tired, so I'm not sure if it's time to drop it. Usyaally naps around 1hr-75mins.

I feel so sad to see him upset and distressed regularly 4 x a day. I don't know what to do.

It's exhausting for him and us.

Can anyone advise?

OP posts:
ProblemsBacktoback · 14/01/2023 13:47

Sounds like he is struggling with transitions and at the same time has realised he has some control via his behaviour over those transitions.
some picture cards (3 or 4) for each routine maybe helpful to give him some prior warning that a transition time is approaching (eg a morning one - getting dressed - breakfast- car - nursery etc) and just lots of explaining and patience and hopefully that will help. Let him have control in other areas that he can eg choice of clothes or breakfast (not too many options maybe just 2 at first) I hope things improve soon

Original poster
toddlermum83 · 14/01/2023 15:08

Thanks. Picture cards sound good. I'll try to find some.

OP posts:
Original poster
toddlermum83 · 14/01/2023 15:20

Also wondering if we persist with same bedtime or wait until he's even more tired - or if that's the worst thing we could do!

OP posts:

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DCINightingale · 14/01/2023 15:29

Sounds like it's a double whammy of the change of routine in the christmas period and also him finding these emotions. The absolute best thing from my experience is to be consistent. You can empathise with and acknowledge his upset, and still hold the boundary that it's time to leave, go to sleep etc. This manages his expectations that whilst it's ok for him to be upset or cross, what will happen is going to happen. Picture cards or stories around the difficult areas may help, or roleplaying with toys, one of the toys can feel upset that it's time to leave nursery but they understand they'll be back again tomorrow etc.

The more consistent you are, the more he will know to anticipate and expect, and to accept what is going to happen. It is hard though. I'm through the other side with 4yo DS but my DD is just 2 and is becoming incredibly willful!

MrFlibblesEyes · 14/01/2023 16:43

That's a really long nap for a 2.5 year old! Are you sure he still needs a nap as maybe the bedtime problems are being created by him not actually being tired enough? By that age ds and all of his little friends had stopped daytime naps (unless falling asleep in a car or buggy). The clingyness could be related to being overtired from not getting enough sleep overnight due to the long daytime sleep?

Original poster
toddlermum83 · 15/01/2023 11:57

MrFlibblesEyes · 14/01/2023 16:43

That's a really long nap for a 2.5 year old! Are you sure he still needs a nap as maybe the bedtime problems are being created by him not actually being tired enough? By that age ds and all of his little friends had stopped daytime naps (unless falling asleep in a car or buggy). The clingyness could be related to being overtired from not getting enough sleep overnight due to the long daytime sleep?

Really @MrFlibblesEyes do you think 1hour is long?? I didn't think so? He used to have 2 hours when he was younger but has been pretty consistently 1hr or an absolute max 75 mins for the past few months...

OP posts:
MrFlibblesEyes · 15/01/2023 12:25

@toddlermum83 They are all different but going by my ds and his friends of a similar age, none of them were napping by 2.5 in the day at all. I found that if he napped he would take ages to settle or wake up early but after cutting out naps he would fall asleep really quickly! Maybe try cutting it down to half an hour if you really think he still needs one?

nameisnotimportant · 15/01/2023 12:29

I think this is a few things

  1. He needs to drop the nap. They can look tired but if their fighting bedtime it's usually time to drop it and for the first month or two bring bedtime forward a little bit to about 6.30pm while he gets used to it:
  2. It's hard going back to nursery after having time off with parents. It can take a few weeks to get back to normal.
  3. He may have separation anxiety or be starting to get scared at bedtime ? Is he able to tell you what's wrong ? We introduced a very dim red light at this age which helped a lot. I would also just lie with him in the bed for a few nights. If you drop the nap, he will fall asleep very quickly.
BeBesideTheSea · 15/01/2023 12:29

It may be that he doesn’t need a nap anymore, but if he does don’t worry that everyone is saying their child didn’t. DS didn’t drop his nap until he went to school (and even then fell asleep on the way home every day).

We did try, Nursery tried - he just took himself off into a corner, lay down on the floor and went to sleep.

Kindofcrunchy · 15/01/2023 12:33

My 3 year old has a 2 hour nap most days, and definitely still needs it!! Don't drop the nap if you think he needs it OP, the bedtimes will get better - it could just be adjusting to nursery and perhaps a sleep regression. Does he get up to much after his nap? Maybe he needs a bit more tiring out before bedtime?

FlounderingFruitcake · 15/01/2023 12:37

Another vote for dropping the nap. I know some children still sleep in the day until 3+ because my eldest was one of them but it doesn’t sound like your LO needs to. Taking an hour to go down for the nap, fighting bedtime so it takes 1.5 hours, going to bed late, waking earlier and earlier - all classic signs that his sleep needs have reduced and the nap isn’t needed.

As for nursery, mine have always gone through phases of that and it’s always after a change- new classroom, having been on holiday, time off for sickness, a parent away for work etc. Stay consistent with your pick/drop routines and timings and it should hopefully subside.

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