Horrible Situation! Please help

[Jenny2321]

I’ve been put in a really crappy situation and I have no idea how to handle it.
My best friend has been my mate for 6 years , she’s like my sister and I’d do anything for her. She’s been with her bf for 2 years and I’m really good friends with him aswell as I’ve got to know him through her. As a couple they’ve both got me through my last breakup and was there for me.

A few days ago I was talking to him while waiting for her to come home and he was saying how he’s been feeling down and that they’ve not been talking and things don’t feel the same etc. I know they’ve had a rough patch but I was under the impression that things were getting better. I said to him he just needs to keep talking to her and keep the communication open. At the end of the day she’s my best mate and my loyalties will always be with her.

He then started hinting that he gets on really well with me etc and that we have more in common. I really tried to shut it down because I didn’t want to be put in this position , I kept saying you need to talk to her about your concerns etc. He said he would but he’s tried before and nothing changes.

Im now wracked with guilt because I’m not sure if I should tell her the conversation? If it’s worth potentially damaging their relationship if they end up working it out? I don’t think my friend realises he still thinks there’s a problem. I’m also worried I’ll lose her as my best friend.
Part of me thinks I should just see how it plays out over the next week - see if they talk ? Distance myself from them as a couple ?
I really need some help here please

You say he was part of getting you through your break up, so is presumably used to talking ‘deeply’ with you.

She told you they had a rough patch. He considers you ‘close’ and a friend, you didn’t give him any advice that undermines your friend, just held your boundary and told him to talk with her.

Say nothing , avoid being alone with him.

Eek. I don’t honestly know what you could say. He’s been a bit out of order there, hasn’t he. Suggesting that he gets on with you better than he gets on with her?! That because you aren’t in a relationship with him, probably, so you haven’t encountered relationship type issues.
more important to be breezy around him and say “ grass is always greener, eh?” type of comments if he refers to other people - or you - being easier than his gf.
hopefully he will realise his commitment has to be to his gf, and shopping around for an exit route is damaging.

I had this one time with a friend's partner. I was staying over at their house and my friend went to bed, leaving me to watch TV with her DP. He starts telling me all about the difficulties in their relationship and at first I listened. He then moved to sit on the end of the same sofa as me and used a remote control to dim the lights. There was just this 'look' in his eyes and I suddenly realised what was happening (dur!!). I quickly made my excuses and shot off to bed.

I never told her because a) technically he did nothing wrong and b) she would have been devastated and maybe thought I'd imagined it. I just made sure from that point that I was never alone with him again.

You have no reason to feel guilty. You shut the conversation down. Personally I wouldn't say anything but I'd avoid being alone with him again.

Distance myself from them as a couple ?

I think do the opposite - don't put yourself in a position where you're alone with him and only hang out with him if she's there too. So only hang out with him in the couple context.

That will send the message to him that there's zero chance of anything happening between you and you're absolutely not interested in him other than as your friend's boyfriend, and it gives zero opportunity for anything else to be said behind your back (which you might then feel a duty to tell her).

It doesn't sound like there's anything to tell her at this point, and it's not your responsibility to keep him from straying elsewhere- all you can control is whether or not it ends up being with you.

I also think you should set some boundaries in terms of how involved you get in their relationship issues - you shouldn't feel like you need to be passing messages between them and facilitating their communication as a couple - that's just weird. Plus, if he's showing signs he wants out, then now is the time to take a step back from him as you'd presumably want to support your friend in a breakup rather than him or being caught in the middle.

Have you got 2 threads about this?

Sounds like you handled it beautifully. He put you in a horrible position and was a bit disloyal to your BF. Agree with PPs don’t be alone with him again and arrange to see your friend on her own. No need to say anything, it’s better to leave them to communicate together and not be involved. So many ways that can go pear shaped. You sound like a loyal friend.