Visiting someone with dementia - advice please?

[itsabingting]

My elderly dad has dementia and is in hospital after a fall. I'm going to visit tomorrow and just looking for advice.

His dementia has taken a turn for the worse since his fall and he is constantly talking about killing himself unless he can get out of hospital, and suggesting ways he can escape or get out. He's saying that no-ones state of mind could ever be so low and seems to talk of nothing else.

So far I've not visited him as I've had Covid. I'm all clear now hence the visit tomorrow.

Is there anything I can do or bring which might help him, or anything I can say?

He can't read and so I can't bring books though I could read to him I guess. I wondered about bringing photos but not if it triggers him into a downward spiral.

Just wondering if anyone has any advice from experience.

His favourite music in a portable format and some headphones to listen, special foods? (my grandad always had a soft spot for marzipan).

“I am sorry you feel like that Dad” and then change the subject. Talk about things he remembers, his life when he was little etc, if he is able to do this. The kind of chat that doesn’t require him to keep track otherwise. Take him tempting things to eat, and anything that might make him feel more comfortable, maybe something familiar ?
I am sorry, dementia is really distressing .

I have a relative with dementia that can get into depressive cycles. I usually acknowledge what they say and then change the subject to something lighter. It’s tough and I hope the visit goes well.

Hello!

As a student I had many placements on dementia wards, I would spend a lot of time with each person, getting to know them etc,

I learnt quickly that many people with dementia have a lot of negative feelings and it can be hard for them to 'escape' those feelings

However, I would do different activities with them to help distract them.

Music - if there's a particular type of music they love, from a certain era etc, you could get them downloaded onto your phone to play for them, or get CDs and see if it's ok with the hospital for you to get a small portable CD player with headphones etc. A lot of people I worked with would often have me dancing to the songs they loved or would sing to me and it was so heart warming to see how much it improved their moods.

Games - if there's any simple but fun games you can think of, ones he may have enjoyed in the past etc (you don't always have to stick to the rules on the box either), Card games with pictures, board games, dominoes. Things like that - they can pass a lot of time and can be fun for everybody!

Puzzles - Dependent on the person, jigsaws etc can be fun!

They were the popular things for people I worked with :)

There's also more ideas on the Alzheimer's society website (link below for you)

shop.alzheimers.org.uk/collections/games-and-activities

Usually with dementia I'd say just go with what they're saying, but that doesn't feel right here.

I agree with PP to acknowledge he's feeling very low, say sorry, and then try to distract him. Perhaps think of a few things beforehand (favourite places, pictures of family, play a song/piece of music he likes, favourite chocolate) that will help move his mind to a less gloomy place

And as others have said, if he makes comments like those you mentioned, acknowledge them, say something simple such as "I'm really sorry you're feeling that way" and then try to gently change the conversation towards something else. :)

So sorry that your dad is feeling like this, it's very hard to witness.

My mother had dementia and said similar things: why do they keep me alive, I want to die, it's awful here, why can't I go home etc. She wasn't like this all the time - sometimes she was cheerful and lucid-ish.

I found that sometimes if her thoughts started to darken I could distract her by talking about something else and she'd be ok again. But other times there was nothing I could do to change her mood. She'd also get very angry and sometimes we just had to leave and hope she'd be in a better mood next time.

I used to show her silly things like animal videos on Youtube (I'd bring an iPad). She loved to read so I did bring books, and I also showed her photos, but if she started to react badly to them I'd put them away quickly. I also brought foods that I knew she liked, as she wasn't keen on the meals provided, but check with the medics before doing that.

My mother was in a care home and was put on a small dose of antidepressants which definitely helped with her mood. Think it would definitely be worth you speaking to the medical staff to ask whether that might be appropriate.

One last thing, if your visit goes 'wrong' or your dad's mood is very low, please don't blame yourself. It's a horrible disease and neither you saying or doing the wrong thing is responsible. And don't be put off visiting again. Sometimes I'd have a nightmare visit with my mum, dread seeing her again, and then when I did she was all sweetness and light and clearly didn't remember a thing about the previous time.

Good luck with it OP, it's not an easy situation.

I thought about this but he's not able to operate things. He wouldn't know how to switch it on. He was sitting watching the back of the tv the other day.

I wonder if he needs anti depressants to help lift his mood as depression is not a normal symptom of dementia, although depression can be common in older people.

I worked on an older persons care ward recently for a shift where there was a lady (who may have been cognitively impaired) who was very unhappy & crying constantly. I did suggest to the staff nurse in charge that she could be offered anti depressants. You wouldn't leave a younger person in that state!!

I remember when I had depression, it was awful as I just wanted to die, I didn't even want to eat or drink.

Anti depressants saved my life and massively improved the quality of it.

If I was OP I'd ask to speak to the nurse caring for your father, and if s/he's not helpful, ask to make an appointment with the dr caring for him.

yorkshirepuds, you sound lovely 💐
Did you stay in the same line of work?

@itsabingting it's at times like this that we feel helpless. It's such a cruel condition and definitely made worse when people like your dad are not in their usual space.
My mum has Alzheimer's and I often sing along with her to things like Morning has Broken, stuff she would've learnt in her youth.
💐

We took my grandma a soft toy cat as she was away from her own cat when she was in hospital. It gave her some comfort though we were a bit taken aback when she started talking to it like it was real. Was one of those laugh or cry moments

Lots of lovely ideas on here. Hope you find sonething that works well x

@LilyAndTheKing unfortunately I didn't! However, I changed work in order to care for my grandmother who had dementia (which I absolutely adored doing!) she passed away and I just didn't feel ready to step back into it, I'm now a stay at home mother to my toddler and I'm expecting again, but I've decided that once they're both a bit older I'd like to return to working with those with dementia, but I'm thinking of going into a care home setting rather than a hospital,

I absolutely loved working with dementia patients though! I originally set out to become a midwife, as I wanted to welcome babies into the world, I had a placement on a birth centre and then a placement on a dementia ward straight after and I realised that I absolutely adored bringing happiness to those with the illness & helping them to feel happier and have a better quality of life❤️

When my mother was in hospital in a similar state of mind I asked for anti depressants for her, it helped a bit and she stayed on them.

My late Dad was the same. He knew he had dementia and hated it. I mainly went to see him with my Mum, one on one he wouldn't really remember how to have a conversation and seemed more stressed out.

As another person mentioned younger people wouldn’t be left having a depressive episode they would be given medication. Feeling suicidal is not just dementia and they should not be left that way . My mom is on a very low dose of anti psychotic and they help stabilise her mood and help with anxiety . Please try and push for help with his mental state as he can’t do it himself. Is he under the care of a memory clinic ?

Thank you. Noted about the antidepressants. I'll ask the nurses / doctor is I see them.

Still trying to work out what I can bring. Wondering about taking a pair of old fashioned headphones and my old iPod and just playing him his favourite music. He might get into a fluster with the buttons but the he can just take off the headphones if he's finished listening and the iPod can keep playing. It's not something he'll be able to manage by himself but might be nice during my visit.

I'm going to take some family photos too.

How about a pot plant? Its something you can focus on and tend to when you visit, a distraction and something to do.

My Dad had Vascular Dementia. I remember him being put on some antidepressants, to help his mood. He seemed very low, so I spoke to the nursing staff, and they put him on the tablets. I would say, just sit and listen to what your Dad has to say. Just acknowledge how he feels, and don't tell him not to think the way he does. I would say take some of his favourite music to listen to. Show family photos, or photos off your 'phone (or whatever technology you have). Just wondering too if your Dad is bed bound, or could he be wheeled around in a wheelchair? My Dad loved to go outside the hospital for a change of scenery, or to get a drink at the hospital cafe. It really depends if going outside would confuse him more, or not. He hated being stuck inside the ward for days on end. He also liked being taken some of his favourite sweets and chocolates. Hope your visit goes okay.