Paralysed by... procrastination? anxiety? I don't know!

[EnterFunnyNameHere]

More and more in recent months I've found myself utterly unable to "do" my work effectively. Some things are ok - usually when they are totally unavoidable. But many things I will procrastinate over to such a ridiculous extent, I barely know how to describe it. I have a report I need to review. I absolutely know I need to get on with it. Every day this week I've told myself I have to get on and start it. But here I am at 4pm on Thursday and I've done nothing.

I don't think I'm particularly lazy - although I've always been someone who works in fairly short very intense bursts then needs a break... I think in general my productivity is above average and at a good quality (based on feedback), but this seems to be born out of the extreme productivity of the "focussed" times... I've also typically been someone who tends to "lean in" to less than pleasant work - it's not like I try to get out of doing some of the shittier/boring aspects of the job. I'm genuinely known as someone who is a good "gets shit done" person at work - it's just people don't see the level of "feeling shit about myself" that happens in the process before doing it in a hectic rush at the 11th hour!

But increasingly I will literally be sitting, sweating, heart rate up in fear over something that I need to just "do", but still seemingly unable to just bloody "do" it.

I don't know what I'm asking really - I'm sure the answer is basically will power and just getting a fucking grip! But does anyone relate to this weird situation??

That's really interesting - thank you for writing that out.

I do have moderate anxiety (and mild to moderate depression) as diagnosed by the Psychological Wellbeing Service in my local area (as opposed to a GP, not sure that makes a difference). I have done online self-guided CBT and it made it a lot worse unfortunately, most likely because I didn't find it possible to really use the tools properly.

You're definitely right that I (like most people probably) like the immediate reward of helping someone solve an immediate problem, albeit I hadn't thought about it in those terms. But 100% true that the pay off for doing something a not getting a bollocking vs the payoff for directly helping someone are not on the same scale (for me at least).

I have just had a look at common ASD behaviours. Some are a eerily good fit (terrible in crowds, hate variations from my routine, need to plan everything to the nth degree and stress out hugely when I need to deviate), but others not at all (I enjoy company 1-2-1, I think I'm good at reading social cues and body language, I definitely emphasise with peoples feelings (even if they are just characters in a book or something) and get emotional over their struggles).

Maybe I've just trained myself to be lazy - I like helping people and am good at it such that I get a lot of opportunities to do that. So I procrastinate on the routine day job stuff because I'm consciously waiting for someone to need my help, which feeds my ego more directly?

So basically - will power and getting a ruddy grip!

I’ve been experiencing this in recent years too (I’m my own worst nightmare) but I’d put it down to early peri/menopause because that’s definitely in progress.

I have pretty much every symptom for inattentive ADHD but never struggled when I was younger at all, so it can’t be that.

I had terrible anxiety at the start of peri, which has thankfully passed, but I feel it’s permanently altered my brain and the way I think/deal with tasks and stress, and organising myself in general. I’ve really lost my edge and just struggle with my everyday to-do list nowadays.

I’m so glad I work for myself and don’t have to go to interviews, speak in meetings and work in a team anymore, because I’d be rubbish at it now! 😕