How to get through the funeral?

[JupiterFortified]

It’s my dad’s funeral in a few days time. I’m just so sick of the world at the moment and the thought of the funeral fills me with absolute dread, like I can’t face it. How are you even meant to get through it? Does anyone have any wise advice please, I would be grateful.

Funerals help your grieving process.
You are allowed to be a mess.

I have buried my mum and dad. It's just something you have to do. The ceremony leader guides everyone through.

It's a moment to reflect on the life your dad did have, honestly it will help. You might not realise that now or at the time but in the days afterwards there does come a small step towards peace.

It will be ok.

Im so sorry for your loss. July 2021 for me and I miss him every day. For me it helped taking control of everything so that my mind was filled with making sure it all ran ok on the day but its probably a bit late for you as its only days away. You will probably and hopefully find that you are zoned out during the service and as soon as you arrive it'll be time to leave. Its something you have to do for your Dad and I'm sure he'll be immensely proud of you. It does get easier to live with I promise.

Ok, well, first things first. You don't have to go to it.

But, not many people do that. And if you do go, somehow, someway, you will get through it. Even if it's in a fuzz of tears. Everyone there will understand.

At my mom's funeral, I had shingles. I also read the eulogy and carried the coffin. I didn't sleep a wink the night before. I was in agony. But, I did get through it. And everyone was so lovely to me. It really helped actually.

When my friend's mum died, she had to have diazepam to get her through it.

Just take it slowly, try and stay in the now. Think about related things, like what you'll wear, timings, but don't think too hard about the actual funeral and trust in the process. We do these things for a reason.

Have you got an support in real life?

Sorry for your loss op. My mum's funeral was over 20 years ago now and what I remember from the day, apart from the sadness, is other people's kindness. Seeing others supporting me and my family really helped. Whoever comes to your ddads funeral will be there with love and respect and I hope that gives you strength. The day will be over quickly and hopefully allow you some closure and peace.

I’m so sorry for your loss. I felt the same before my Dad’s funeral. I also think the “it helps your grieving” stuff is mostly total b*llocks - funerals help the friends and colleagues and distant relatives, I don’t know any primary bereaved who have found funerals helpful.

I did a couple of things - asked for a very low dose of Xanax from my GP, who was happy to oblige. I don’t know if it did too much but it took the edge off and worked as a placebo, and also meant I couldn’t drink which was really helpful because I think drinking would have been awful for me.

I set some hard boundaries - I refused to walk in behind the coffin, because that seemed unnecessarily traumatic. No one needed that, least of all me. At the wake I took an hour to sit with my husband and best friend in a different part of the pub we were in and didn’t talk to anyone, which prepared me to go and do the “chat”. Honestly I wish I had not done any of the socialising in hindsight. Everyone wants FaceTime with the widow/the kids to say how sorry they are and it’s overwhelming. I hated the hugs/the sorrys. It was too much.

I also had a weird coping mechanism during the funeral. I used to sing and so I just went through this vocal excercise warm up in my head which involved singing numbers in different orders up and down a scale. It’s quite complicated to remember and so I just focussed on going round and round that in my head whenever it got too much, so I could zone out and disassociate. I would recommend finding something like that to focus on - remembering French verbs or a Shakespeare speech or something that makes your brain focus away from the situation. I still do that at funerals now and it helps!

I’m so sorry for your loss. In my experience, the healing starts after the funeral. You will get through it.