Where were you at 30?

[2023willbemyyear1]

As the title says..

I am turning 30 this year. I am in a job I hate, in a field I am not sure about. I am single and never been in a long term relationship, and not having much luck dating. I am really quite overweight and don’t have much self-confidence.

And I always thought that by the time I was 30, I’d have some of my sh*t together.

I know in the grand scheme of things, 30 is still very young. And people who want to are getting married and having children etc a lot later. But I still feel a societal pressure that by the time you are 30 you should have achieved certain things and I am just a bit lost… 😔

I am trying to listen to podcasts to motivate me but if anybody has any recommendations on self help resources then send them my way!

I was living in New Zealand, had jacked in the job that was making me miserable (two months before my 30th birthday) and started my own business, which I ran for almost 10 years and provided me with some incredible experiences - and I got married that year as well.

There have been plenty of ups and downs since then though with people passing away, health stuff (I had horrible surgery for an ectopic, for example), mental health stuff, deciding we didn't really love living in NZ at all (we're back in the UK now), and the financial rollercoaster that comes with owning your own business. My 30th year was just a snapshot in time, it doesn't tell you the whole story.

I'm not sure I'll ever feel like I've completely got my sh*t together 😅

I was pretty lost, career-wise, at 30 and had no confidence. At 45 I am still lost career-wise and have no confidence but I did meet DH and have two lovely children after age 30, and I am quite happy in my job despite feeling lost.

What do you want to achieve or do OP? 30 is no age and you still have time to do whatever you want.

I am 30 today!

I am married, own my house (family house) with mortgage, completed a degree, qualified professional in my chosen field, decent salary c£75k and still relatively junior in my role

I feel like I’ve ticked everything off that I wanted to achieve by the time I was 30

But having achieved those things I aimed for I don’t think I’m happy, I’ve had a bad few years with mental health and put on 30kg in weight which I’ve only started to budge now

Id much rather have turned 30 and be genuinely happy so what I’m trying to say is a lot of stuff I listed above as what I’ve ticked off by 30 doesn’t really matter

At 30, I was about to have my first baby, in a job I loved, earning quite well, married to a man I thought was immature & disorganised but who was good & kind & would essentially get his shit together, especially when the baby came.

Well...

By 37, I had been made redundant (while pregnant with DC2), my H had also been made redundant as well as constructively dismissed (with significant amount of personal responsibility for that), had 3 DC, was inches away from a nervous breakdown due to my financially, emotionally & occasionally physically abusive H.

That year I finally got him to leave.

I'm 46 now, he's made life miserable for 9 years, I'm struggling to finalise a divorce, it's been so hard to manage my career & 3 DC with no help. But it is still a million per cent better than it was being married to him.

The point is perspective is everything. Don't have a set view of where you 'should' be. Pick one thing you'd like to change & take one positive step towards doing it. The rest will follow.

I was in an amazing job but it paid nothing. I was with the love of my life but he dumped me a few months after my birthday and I had no single friends and no idea what to do. I didn't like being alone and I started drinking heavily and was taking a lot of drugs. I was extremely lost. Over the course of the next few years I gathered my strength and changed everything I could. I quit my job, changed the area of the country where I lived and quit drinking and everything that made me feel bad. I eventually met my husband and had 2 children in time for my 40th. Life has only really got better as I've got older. You can make it anything you want it to be but you have to face up to what's working and what isn't and then be very very brave and jump off the cliff and go for it. Good luck.

I had left a horrible abusive relationship 18 months before. I had literally grabbed my baby and ran.
At 30 I was living in my own little house with 2 year old , dating casually, working full time. I wasn't loaded but I was managing.
But I was so happy to be free.

I was in a similar situation to you OP.

When I turned 30 I was in an ok job, had been single for quite a long time and was living alone in a rented flat. I was ticking along.

Then about 4 months later I met my (now) DH on the same day that I got a promotion at work. Everything changed for the better.

Separated and devastatingly poor, to the point I couldn't afford bills. I literally paid my rent and fed my children (not even feeding myself - and yes, we very much could afford kids before my life got turned upside down, before anyone starts) studying to become a nurse.

It got worse before it got better. I fell into an abusive relationship and went through an extremely traumatic event which left me with PTSD which I am still dealing with. I got out at 33 and have somehow managed to not only rebuild my life but also end up in a better career with better pay, more prospects and a lovely DH.

At 30 I was divorced with two kids. I'd recently met (now) dh and we were enjoying wild sex and boozy dates. I also had a great social life. I had my own business which I wasn't really enjoying at the time.
Now im44 I've had two career changes, got a degree, got married, had another child and had a breakdown. I cared for my mum till she died . I now work part time in a library. I have lost touch with a lot of my friends and life is a lot smaller now.

I had just met my now partner but I hated my job and had a terrible CV. I had no money. I was a bit of a car crash in my 20s. I had lots of fun experiences but I also drank too much and didn't look after myself.
I'm now 40 with two kids. But I now have a job I really, really love. I work hard and never imaged I'd do the job I'm doing. It's a completely different sector and I'm learning something new everyday. I wonder what I'll be doing in another 10 years....

I changed companies at 32, same field of work though. I am now 37. Through this company i gained qualifications, which culminated in a master's degree, I have had 3 promotions, got married and will be buying my first house this year. I had my children in my 20s. I never expected what happened to me these last 5 years but can say my 30s have treated me well

Degree educated and climbing up the ladder in my career, advancing further in my training.

Then met a man who I fell in love with.

Had a baby at 34.

Currently 35 and finishing my last piece of training to put me at my highest earning potential. Will be done by this summer. At which point we'll probably try for a second child and I'll happily take a break from work for a couple of years at least.

Pregnant with 3rd DC, graduate, just moved to my third house, a five bedroom detached house in the south east of England.

Look, it depends what you want. When I was 30 I was in a job I hated, single, pretty skint and miserable. The following year I got a new job, still poorly paid but loads more interesting and actually in a very competitive field, with prospects if you were prepared to re-train and work super hard.
I met somebody and started a relationship.
Over the next 6 years or so, things didn't really improve. It became clear that my partner wasn't the right person for me long-term, and job prospects didn't materialise. For a long time I couldn't find a full time job so I had three part time jobs, very stressful and none of them were very fulfilling.
The relationship ended. I lost two out of three jobs. I had to move back in with my mum and then the pandemic hit us.
Now... I'm nearly 42, still single. No kids but I don't want them. Have finally found what I think is my 'niche', career-wise, new job which is hard work and scary but it feels right.
I have spare money for the first time in my adult life so I am learning to drive and paying for the therapy I have needed for a very long time. I feel like my life is finally starting.
I don't really know what advice to give you OP, other than to figure out what will make you feel happy and fulfilled, and then try to make a plan to get you there. I wish you the very best of luck xx

@prettyrainbows @Binfluencer so sorry to hear you were also widowed young. It's really shit. Wish you all the best x

At 30 I was miserable, grieving, in a job I not only hated but was severely damaging my mental health, and I was battling infertility and at the start of my long IVF journey and up to my eyeballs in debt with no foreseeable way out

8 years on, I have been running my own successful business for almost 8 years (thanks to my last job causing a breakdown and me quitting!), I have 3 amazing children, debt free and quite honestly very happy with how life went. I was still a baby at 30, and as I approach 40 I remind myself I'm still young and have so much of life ahead of me

At 30 I left a very good job I'd had for 11 years and went backpacking round the world on my own. Travelled for over 18 months.

The people I knew who were married in their 20s, producing children and earnestly working through their five year career plans blah blah tended to go off the rails in their 30s and 40s. Male colleagues leaving their wives for secretaries etc.

I wasn’t a bit bothered about not being married, aged 30 (I’m 51 now) and nor should you be. I never lived with a man before I was married and I wouldn’t describe any of the boyfriends I had in my twenties as ‘serious’. I had long periods of singledom, like many women of your age. Didn’t bother me. You need a group of similarly placed single female friends, that will make you feel better.

At 30 I was worried that I wouldn’t get the career I wanted and that I’d fall behind etc etc but that was offset by having loads of fun with my mates and enjoying not being tied down. Weekends away, meeting random people, etc. Seriously, my thirties were my absolute prime. I had my own house and was independent. I met my husband when I was 36 and got married aged 37.

The work thing, you can sort out. The weight thing, ditto. Be positive and have hope.

In London, 2007, living my wildest life, earning £50k, travelling constantly, going to gigs two or three times a week, but had few friends to call my own and was relying on boyfriends for a social life as all of the people that I knew were work colleagues. I stayed there until around 2007 when I came back to my home town and my life actually became genuine and 'mine'.

Lone parent, scraping by, a part time job i despised and on such high anxiety meds living in a hole of a flat, well the block was grim. Couldn't drive

2 years later. Met my now DH. 2 more dcs, step mother. House although rented. Married. Now driving. No meds. Own LTD business.

And although not much spare cash im so much happier.
I never thought id be here.
I have daily struggles with my MH but i can cope

EVERYONE told me in my 30s I'd meet someone wonderful, get married, have children the lot. I was so excited for them and put all I had into making that happen.

Sadly it didn't, and I feel if I'd stuck to my gut feeling that those things aren't going to happen for me I'd have spent less time on dating sites, less money and heartache on IVF and done more travelling, bought a home in a nicer area etc.

There are other positives of my 30s though, I no longer suffer from the crippling depression of my 20s, I know myself better, I no longer try to impress the wrong people or do things that don't have purpose or bring joy.

Many people will say age is just a number but I feel there's a massive difference from 22 to 32 (for example), unless you're a very confident, sure of yourself 22 year old.