I don’t know what to do (TW: child sexual abuse, DV)

[Sharkpenis]

I have name changed for pretty obvious reasons, but I really need some Suggestions? Support? I don’t even really know. I've changed some details so it's not so outing and put in chat for traffic hopefully.

My daughter is in year 5 and has SEN, ADHD, complex developmental trauma, Dyslexia, depression and anxiety and is showing sign s of a fragmented personality. Academically, she's around 4/5 years behind. She was sexually abused by her father and exposed to severe domestic violence from birth to age 3.

Her mental health has gotten increasingly worse. She's been in an SEN class but ive recently taken her out as they repeatedly let her down (it was a brand new class in a sister school based on their other SEN class (which she was in before) and had A LOT of issues) and i have her at home because it really affected her and made her suicidal.

I can not home school her. It is not an option. I have a meeting next week with my daughters home school to talk about her returning to this school part-time with interventions and an online tutor for the rest. Although I'll get their proposals next week.

I've known for a long time that my daughter needs a complex needs school, and I've been ok with this. However, I've been thrown a bit of a curveball today as it's being suggested she needs a therapeutic school, potentially a residential school.

The team of SENDCO's/pastoral care/family support at the school is great, around 90% of the time, and they've had various people in to assess her and are generally very supportive. My daughter knows more staff and has a better relationship with staff in the home school.

I don’t really know what to do. I want her in the best place for her, I want her to heal and have a chance at having a childhood. I feel awful for everything ive put her through, I feel awful that she's been struggling so much, I feel alone, I'm the only person she has and I'm the only one who can make the big decisions.

If you've read all this, then thank you. I have nowhere else to turn and i feel to blame. If anyone has been through similar or has any advice id be so grateful to hear your experiences.

Thanks

Obvious question, maybe, but is she actually having any counselling/play therapy from somebody experienced in these issues?

That sounds like both you and your daughter have been through a lot OP. I was also wondering about a therapist and also that I don't think sending her to a residential school is the answer. Her need for a secure attachment with you currently seems fundamental and sending her away will damage this. But apart from that, just take time to make decisions and remember that yes you are the only one to make the decisions but you also have power to help her heal. That is a huge responsibility and a blessing. Take care and good luck.

How could Residential help ? Not an expert but agree with Coffee

i really really recommend a book by one of the biggest US psychologists “Creating Loving Attachment” it’s specifically for traumatised children (I have it on kindle)

it advises on very specific way for engaging with a child who’s been through trauma.

sending love x

Yes she has, she was working with a trauma specialised counsellor for about 9 months and is about to start play therapy. We are also being assigned a new childrens worker who will work with me/her together and seperately. Im not keen on a residential school at all, and i dont think its needed but im second guessing myself now. Being at home with me is her safe space and she struggles with being away from me. She is much much more settled at home so i dont want to take her away from that. Also, i want her here with me. Thank you for reminding me that i can have time to think. It all feels very serious and urgent.

Hmm. Unlike others, I wonder whether the fact they are offering a therapeutic place is an indicator of how great her need is.
They are like gold dust.

I'd want to know more.
Where is it, is it Monday to Friday, 40 weeks a year?

What else can be put in place at home, instead?

Pros- specialist provision, consistency, potentially the opportunity for you to heal and recover, too.
Cons- unsettling her, interrupting her current progress by changing her therapeutic workers- she'd lose the bonds she's made with her current therapists.

You may both benefit from space from each other- maybe- as you might be triggering each other.

Have you done theraplay already? Read Dan Hughes books, that can't dance won't dance woman, and Caroline someone, parenting the child that hurts?

What about EMDR?

Sorry, I'm just ransacking my brain for resources and chucking it down.

You've clearly both had a terrible time. I'm so sorry you had to go through all that.

Dan Hughes is the US psychologist I mentioned earlier for traumatised kids

@Sharkpenis really really worth reading (I only have experience of the book I mentioned ) … it’s likely that it helps you alter a bit the way your engage or even talk with her so the hours/days you’re together , might turn out to be super productive for you and enjoyable for her x

I cant tag because the site is quite glitchy.
She does have significant mental health needs and its been highlighted that she will likely need mental health input with a wide range of approaches for potentially years.
The options for a theraputic residential are 38weeks or 52 weeks. At home we're fairly settled, we have a nurturing household and im very mindful of her difficulties. School presents a lot of challenges for her and causes a lot of anxiety. Finding the right school is going to be key i think. I just dont really know what im doing and im scared what it will mean for her if she goes to a theraputic school.
I will look at the books mentioned. EMDR hasnt been suggested for her yet. But im optomistic about the play therapy and the therapist sounds amazing.
Thank you for taking the time to reply everyone, i really appreciate it.

I can only imagine how hard this is for you. Remember to look after yourself, too. It's easy to miss what you need,when you have a DC with high level needs.

Thank you.

Im doing ok i think, im not going to lie, it isnt easy. But my biggest concern is my daughter, and getting her the support she needs, and getting her into a suitable school. Her attendance is 58% and right now there is no plan on what the next steps are but i HAD to get her out of that SEN class.

I should hear from the LA next week, and the school and play therapist so hopefully something will come of that.