Looking back on relationships/friendships with different eyes

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So I’m hoping that I’m explaining this correctly but I’m happy to be told I’m being a moron!

when you start understanding/implementing boundaries or just recognising behaviour that you thought was normal, but isn’t (maybe childhood, attachment issues etc etc)
for instance, favouritism, being excluded, backhanded compliments. That kind of thing?
it could be with family, friends, partners, colleagues - anyone really
like that wake up feeling of “oh so I don’t need to be played off with others, or be insulted about where I live” that type of thing

how do you deal with it when you’re still in contact with people? Like for example, they did these things some years back and you’ve distanced since… but you’re now realising their past behaviour was really shitty?

do you have to have a convo because it’s weird to just ghost out of the blue when you wished them happy birthday 2 months ago, type of thing?

I don’t know if I’m making any sense
i guess I’m worried that I’d now look like a psycho for going “you were really wanky to me for a long time and I’ve only just realised it now?”

The easiest way I can say it - I think I attracted many people in my life who took the piss because I didn’t understand properly what piss taking was. Now I’m resentful. But I still have some semblance of normality with many of them.

It's a tricky one. But hindsight is a wonderful thing, and often we are just completely unaware what we are doing as we are acting out a well worn script. As to what to do from here, I guess the choice is yours.

Unfortunately that’s exactly where I’m at!

I have tried to just carry on being mates and stuff but with new eyes, but I feel so resentful of all this bullshit that went on before

it’s super confusing

Once you see someone for who they truly are you can never unsee it. You can either try and convince yourself to get over it but you will end up resenting either them or yourself or both. I recently had my eyes opened to what a long term friend had been doing and once I saw her true colours my brain started to process all the things she had done to me throughout our friendship and I realised we were not friends I was just a crutch for her and someone who kept her secrets for her. It was never a true friendship. I did not get angry and surprisingly was not hurt when realisation dawned but I just could not bring myself to speak to her again. I suppose technically I ghosted her but she knew why as we had had a huge argument first. I will never unsee the real her now.

This is so relevant to me in every area of my life so..looking for some practical responses..

I’m a ghoster.

With a history of massively dysfunctional friendships but now having lovely functional friendships.

a couple of times I’ve notnghosted and had a conversation. Waste of time. They’re not going to suddenly become functional beczue of what you say.

there’s no good way to end friendships ultimately.

i look back now and just feel relief at the friendships I’ve left.

I have actually been ghosting!

bit I read on here that ghosting is such a terrible thing and it’s made me feel a bit guilty

but to others - yes it really is like, the veil falls and you can’t unsee them

If you're up for listening to Jordan Peterson on resentment, this might lead you to some answers. It's tough, good luck

It sounds immature but you do it to them, otherwise they can't understand why it annoys you. If someone talks about your clothes, do it to them but massively exaggerate so they get how it feels in short time

Immature I know, but words can't explain

If someone is screaming at you, record it, and play it back to them when they are back in their normal mode, they will be horrified

Depends how far back we're talking and whether you're still close, whether their behaviour has now changed.

I was very shitty to my good friends as a teenager but now as adults we're all very close, even though I was immature and unkind to them all those years ago.

If it happened during adulthood then that's different. If you've lost contact anyway just move on and don't bother starting off fresh drama with them. If they're good friends to you now and they've clearly changed, then I don't see why you can't stay friends. If you're worried they'll relapse to their old ways then you can always let go of them only when that actually happens. Friends aren't life partners or spouses, you can meet up, socialise and chat, without trusting them with your life.

If someone has been deliberately hurtful, underhand etc. that's one thing. However it's hurtful to be ghosted by someone you thought was a trusted friend, when you have no idea why.

To be fair when i say i ghosted her its not really true i guess. She physically assaulted me and then tried to manipulate me into thinking I had done something wrong for her to do that. I do not condone violence in any way shape or form and when she messaged me afterwards i replied swiftly but did not engage in anything further as her actions have sickened me to the core. I did not really realise how manipulative she was until this all happened and she lied about me to everyone with ears after this all happened. I dont care what her friends and family think of me but as with any toxic relationship I am glad I am out of this one. She finally deleted me from social media this week.

I think it’s got to do with boundaries and ways of enforcing them.
People who treated us like shit, what do we do with them?

Ultimately, do we still want them in our lives?
Do we want them to repent?

So many questions!

What I did was this: family…well, it’s complicated. I mainly realised that they themselves are a product of dysfunctional upbringings, so it’s nothing personal, it’s just what it is. Do I want to be around them? Sometimes we don’t have a choice, so what I do I keep it neutral, when I visit I never stay with them, the conversation topics are very neutral etc.

ExH, partner, friends…I don’t ghost, I’m upfront: I don’t like the way you treat me, something’s got to change or you’re out.

That sort of thing.

I had a friend who was very hard work. Heart in the right place, but self absorbed. It was like going out with a toddler, very much a Goldilocks. I ribbed her gently a few times, but then she was horrible to another friend of ours. She was outraged I pulled her up on it. So I said it’s time to go our separate ways, and that was that. I still see her sometimes, we say hello, but I leave it at that every time she suggests we meet up.

Thank you for the suggestion I’ll listen to it

resentment is exact word!

Thank you all

i guess a lot of it is that maybe they have changed (or I have changed) but it’s like I’m only just now seeing how shitty it all was and I’m so pissed off about it that I’m not sure a convo would help

have also been doing easy breezy “hello” “have a good Christmas” type responses but it’s annoying me because I feel I’m being 2 faced

not as far back as 20 years and I do accept that being a bitch as a teenager but as good mates much later, I’d prob let that go
its more continued behaviour over time. It’s more people I thought were good friends pretty much weren’t! I have tried to make extra effort with people I now realise have been great friends to me
ocer the years

family - i think they kind of realise now that I’m not playing the game so that seems to have resolved itself

sorry totally monologuing now haha

Ah, it's easy to come on here and find black and white views. These things are all about the context tho. I feel shitter carrying on pretending to be friends with someone who I start to actively hate and want to avoid. Sometimes we have to do what we need to do

I think I’d quietly distance myself rather than suddenly ghosting. Just become less and less available, whilst remaining polite.

I think it depends where you are at in the process. When we’ve just recognised what Games People Play and our part in it, we can feel aggrieved and resentful and even punitive, and we can go emotionally chilled.
Further down the line we might start recognising that our behaviours or words can be or were construed negatively by others, and that perhaps life on one level is a patchwork of miscommunications and shadows, even if our hearts are essentially in the right place.
for me, when I’ve felt I’ve been used I’ve chosen to look at what I got out of it, what kept me in the game, and try to cut my losses accepting sunk cost .what I don’t want, is to feel emotional wary and chilled. We’re all fallible and not many of us would choose to behave badly, if we had a menu of options available.

I’ve felt like this. And like a pp said, once you have seen a persons true colours, you can’t unsee it. Also once you start noticing it, you start to realise it’s often a core part of who they are.
I fade people out like this instead of Ghost. My replies to them are vaguer, I show less interest, avoid meeting up. It fizzles out and seems more of a mutual decision then. I don’t keep people in my life if they hurt me repeatedly.

This is a great post, thank you.

Does anyone else ever find themselves thinking that we've had over a century of psychiatry & self help, but we don't seem to be any better at learning how to relate to each other? Its still something we have to go looking for when we realise something is wrong. Why aren't we learning about functional relationships in school?

I think I’d quietly distance myself rather than suddenly ghosting. Just become less and less available, whilst remaining polite.

This is what I would do too. I would view ghosting as just suddenly stopping all contact with no explanation, and it is hurtful to be on the receiving end. That's a bit different from quietly disengaging though. I wouldn't prompt any conversations but I'd reply at some point to communications in a limited but polite way. Just distance myself basically. They do usually get the message.

Yep frequently!
but I’m just as guilty of being a bit poorly wired too but I am trying ha ha